Far Too Many People Have Been Hurt By Good Intentions
They say there's no such thing as a dumb question, but that's not true. There is such a thing as a dumb question.
"When are you guys going to start your family?"
"Are you going to try for a girl?"
"Are you pregnant yet?"
"Shouldn't you be working on baby number two by now?"
They're all dumb questions. Unless you know the story, it's really none of your business. You shouldn't ask.
*****************************************************************
Many of my friends have stories that go along with why their families are the size they are. The stories are so varied and often filled with sadness and tragedy and heartache. They aren't unique, though. Their stories are the same stories that belong to many people.
And some of my friends have stories that go along with why their families are the size they are, but their stories are filled with joy and contentment and conscious decisions. They aren't unique either, as many of the stories are shared by many people.
The problem is you can't know who is walking around with unfulfilled dreams in their pocket and who is perfectly happy with their fertility situation.
And, frankly, it's none of your business.
*****************************************************************
"When are you guys going to start your family?"
Oh, sure, it's an innocent question. A conversation starter, if you will. But, really, if you ask a woman who has fought through years of fertility treatments and heartache that question? You're a jerk.
No. Really. You're a jerk.
Just don't ask. If she wants to tell you her story, she will.
*****************************************************************
"Are you going to try for a girl?"
Aw, that's cute how you think that because someone has two boys, she must not be satisfied with her family. Certainly she can't be satisfied until she has a girl, right?
Wrong.
It doesn't matter what the situation is, but perhaps she is happy with her family exactly as it is.
Perhaps she doesn't have a choice in the matter. Maybe thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in fertility treatments has gotten her where she is and she's just over-the-moon happy with those cards she's been dealt.
Maybe she had a pregnancy you don't know about. Maybe she relinquished custody of a little girl long before she was ready to start a family.
You just might be shoving a dagger in her heart when you ask that question. I know you mean well, but is it really any of your business?
*****************************************************************
"Are you pregnant yet?"
Wow. So you think it's OK to ask a woman that question? You don't think maybe she would tell you that she's pregnant if she were ready for that little bit of sharing?
What if she suffered a miscarriage just weeks ago? You can't know by looking at the woman, but you might see a glimmer of sadness pass through her eyes as you stupidly throw your words in the air.
Or maybe she desperately wants to be pregnant and has spent the past several months charting and testing and peeing on sticks and she has no idea what is wrong, but it's not working. Nothing is working. How is she supposed to respond when you ask her if she's pregnant?
*****************************************************************
"Shouldn't you be working on baby number two by now?"
That's cute how you think that's any of your business. Maybe it took over five years of trying to get baby number one and maybe she's just incredibly grateful that she was given that gift.
Maybe pregnancy is miserable for her.
Maybe pregnancy is dangerous for her.
Maybe another pregnancy just isn't in her cards.
You don't know.
*****************************************************************
In ten years of trying, we've been blessed with one beautiful, smart, vibrant little girl.
We think we're incredibly lucky.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Reader Comments (88)
You a so right about all of this. You are incredibly blessed with Alexis. You are also a brave woman for sharing your story with you blog readers.
I am of the group that can't seem to have a girl (I have 3 boys). I get the "when are you having a girl" question all the time. So annoying.
While pregnant I also hate the "what are you having?" I choose for it to be a surprise, and I don't care if you think I should find out or not.
that should be you "are" So right. not "a" sorry.
Your family is perfect and you described your daughter perfectly too.
I have three children. We were blessed with a girl, then a boy, and then another little girl. Some assume that since we had a child of each sex that my third child must have been an 'accident'. Why would anyone refer to my beautiful healthy daughter as an accident, especially in front of her? Jerks.
Well said.
My hubby and I have been married for almost 3 years and my MIL is chomping at the bit for grand kids, constantly making snide comments. One time I snapped back that obviously my woman parts belonged to her, and I also pointed at my hubby's nether regions, and said that those obviously belong to her as well. Fortunately, my sister in law and her boyfriend have taken some of the heat off us by bringing in the first grand baby. But we still get the "he needs a cousin" comments. Luckily, my parents are more accepting of the fur-babies as grand kids. ;-) In fact, when people tell me they are 'trying,' it kinda skeeves me out! (I don't really want to hear about your sex life!!) Very well written article. Thank You.
Thank you for sharing this. It not only answers the questions that I never wanted to ask (but I had in my head), but also shows me the perspective of the people I never wanted to offend with my questions.
Very well said. Thank you.
(In a coincidence, a post on a very similar topic was published on another blog I read: http://apracticalwedding.com/2012/01/suburbalicious-choosing-not-to-have-children/)
Pregnancy is very dangerous for me and the fetus. It's caused a waterfall of decisions I never thought I'd be making in my 20's, but here I am--with 1 kid more than I thought I'd ever have.
And people still don't stop making comments about when the next one's coming. Nosy nellies.
Yep. All of that.
And you really are - she is pretty cool.
Wow! She's adorable! She's a wonderful gift from above! -Sarah-
I came home from work about 8 years ago and told DH that I would never again wonder why someone didn't have kids. A co-worker had shared her absolutely heartbreaking story with me and I was so upset for her, even though it had happened about 10 years prior.
Oh, and how about this~when I tell people my babymaker is broken, some people think that opens the door to asking me whether we have tried/considered fertility treatments or adoption. Um, telling you I'm broken is supposed to be a conversation ender, not a starter :)
Absolutely adorable picture of Alexis, by the way :D
I absolutely agree. I have been lucky to never have any fertility issues, but I still think those kinds of questions are callous and insensitive. People are so used to sticking their noses in everyone else's business than they don't realize anymore (or sometimes don't care) that their questions or "jokes" (ha.Ha. You are hilarious. NOT.) have stopped being just inappropriate and have entered "hurtful and mean" territory.
This is a beautiful, beautiful post. And your is a beautiful, beautiful daughter!
There was not supposed to be eight years between my two. I flipped out on my family one day for asking "are you pregnant again" one too many times. It's no one else's business but the two people who may or may not be wanting, or trying desperately, to get get pregnant. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this post. We battle this mentality all the time, because we were older when we got married. For our first Christmas, my MIL gave me a box of baby clothes as my present. An anonymous hater actually left a comment on my blog suggesting I was a closet lesbian because we do not have kids yet (thank goodness for comment moderation).
We do not chose to discuss the situation surrounding the fact that we do not have kids, but because all the situations you describe could be the reason, and the fact that it is do one else's business, I want to tell everyone to keep their nose out of my uterus.
Coincidentally, this was one of the very first things I ever blogged about when I started my married life blog. No matter how many of us write about it, though, people will still be thoughless.
Very well written. Having been married for 15 years and now in our mid to late 40's and having no children my husband and I get the "I can't believe you guys never had kids, you would have been great parents." That statement baffles me more then when people, 5 years ago, would say "when are you having kids, you're not getting any younger." I just don't understand why people do not realize children are not in the cards for everyone, by choice or not!
gave me goosebumps - you are such a gifted writer
Well said! I have a daughter from a previous marraige and DH and I have no plans of having another. Financially or physically, we just can't afford it. We like our life, we feel complete and he considers our little girl his daughter 100%. But we still get constantly harassed by friends and family members INSISTING we have another. What really gets me is when people say he needs his "own" child. She is his child, just not biologically.
Beautifully written. And as always, I agree completely. No matter the situation, it is never anyone's business why you do/don't have children and why you have the number of children that you have.
Jim and I were married for more than 5 years before Jack was born. I know that people started to wonder if we wanted kids, if we couldn't have kids, or if I just thought my career is more important.
For years people asked me about having kids and I finally just started telling people "We don't like each other like that." It was a perfect answer because I always said it very matter-of-fact and people never knew if I was serious or not so they completely abandoned the conversation.
I 100% agree with this post. I'm asked by a person at work at least once a week if I have children--and because I don't why not. Do I not want them? Yes I want them--but it's none of their business to into the details of what causes me to not get pregnant.
Just because I am of "that age" (what is "that age" anyways? I have a friend that is 41 and is being blessed in 5 weeks with her first--so happy for her) people expect you to be popping them out like hotcakes.
I was married 8 years before we had a baby, and by that point I was tired of people giving sympathy vibes- as if I MUST have been unsuccessfully trying all that time. We weren't, it was our CHOICE. And if we had been trying, the sympathy eyes would only have not been only annoying, but heartbreaking. If the way you act is at best annoying and at worst heartbreaking, why would you choose to act that way???
Hear, Hear.
People never cease to amaze me with their boorishness. My mom used to say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Boy, was she ever right. Embrace the joy that is your Alexis!
Thank you for writing this.
After my wife and I have gone through three rounds of IUI and one miscarriage and the emotional and financial toll it takes. Even after certain parental units have told us we should stop, perhaps it just isn't in the cards, then almost immediately turn around and say "you know he really needs some competition."
While I have learned to let it roll, my wife feels guilty because she can't provide the experience of growing up with a sibling to our son, and because she always wanted more than one child, and because the very people you look to for understand just don't get it.
The culture has made it seem normal to be all up in other people's business... we see it on TV every day. I blame Oprah.
I'm sorry if I'm not exactly shocked if people no longer think before they speak... as in thinking about someone ELSE!
This is a great post.
It is SO nobody's business... and people bring it up like it's a casual conversation topic, when in reality it is intensely personal!
I love Amy's "We don't like each other like that."
And that is a great pic of A!
I agree wholeheartedly. Funny thing is, those same people who have no qualms whatsoever about prying into your business when you're not pregnant will avoid you like the plague if you do get pregnant and it ends in miscarriage. I found that in my workplace, the men were more apt to acknowledge my loss and grief than the women. Not sure why that is but that was my experience. Also, hearing that your child has "only child syndrome" is always an awesome thing to hear when you never intended for him to be an only child in the first place.
Thank you for this post! Mine are almost 18 months now and we just moved to a new area. On Halloween a neighbor I was just meeting for the first time told me I better keep my legs closed or it could happen again. Um yea it can't I lost those parts. People are just nosey and sometimes I think a bit crazy!
You have an amazing daughter and this is a great pic. Love the boots!
Every time someone asks me when we're getting pregnant, I have to fight the urge to burst into tears and say, "I CAN'T GET PREGNANT!" (not true, that we know of. but who knows?) because I can't help but think of all the women/couples they've asked that same question of, not knowing the hurt they're causing.
We have a plan. I could very easily share the plan. I don't share the plan because I want to embarrass them for being so crass and insensitive.
So far it hasn't worked. Sigh.
Thank you for this :)
there are so many things I could say, but you all know already. It hurts. Still.
This is all so very true. I never realized how hurtful those questions were until we tried to get pregnant with a second baby and were on the receiving end. My first pregnancy came so easily. The first month we tried, I got pregnant. So when we were ready to expand our family I thought it would happen immediately again. It did not. A year later and with some medical intervention I got pregnant with our second child. During that year, every time I got one of those questions I was crying on the inside as I was giving some brush off answer. I just didn't feel the need to discuss our issues with every random person that asked.
Now I am doing my best to share our struggles and also let people know how much those questions hurt. I figure if I can stop even one person from asking those questions anymore it's worth my time.
Of course now since I have 2 boys, I have lots of people asking if we are going to try for a girl. Of course I'd love a little girl, but I have no idea if I will be able to have another baby or not.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I would have loved another child. I was diagnosed with MS right before my son turned 2. MS is said to improve during pregnancy, but sometimes decline after. I'm very healthy now (no symptoms). We're not willing for me to take a risk of that changing due to choices we make. It's not fair to our son, who currently has a very healthy mom.
Same thing is applicable for the marital status too, here in India. The moment you are 21-22, "When are you getting married?" If you happen to reach the other side of 25, there are lectures about how you are beyond marriageable age, and will need to compromise on your choice of your partner!
I will be 28 next month, so am WAY beyond that "marriageable age" but people, including my family, tend to forget that I was engaged. at 24. to a jerk. That 3 months into that engagement left me with a severe depression and a dangerously high blood pressure. That just a month before the wedding I called it off. Maybe it still hurts and stops me from trusting someone. Maybe I want to get married too, but when I tell someone of that relationship, he never comes back. Or maybe I'm simply not ready yet. But that's none of their business... The sole purpose of everyone's life here is to get me married before my 28th birthday (which is exactly 31 days away! :D )
P.S. LOVE Amy's response "We don't like each other like that." :) :)
I can't fathom why anyone would actively ask anyone those questions (and expect answers!), but I have been known to tease my friends about having more kids. I know I teased you about it before, and if you ever wondered why I stopped, it's because all of this occurred to me one day. It dawned on me that one perfect, amazing, sassypants child might not have been a choice, and I might be making a total arse of myself AND hurting one of my favorite people. So I stopped. But I never apologized. I'm sorry. I was a complete and utter jerkface and I apologize.
Its not just the married people that get this. I'm 39, single and childfree and occasionaly get the "don't you want to get married and have kids?" Well, I can't marry myself and if I wanted to have kids, I don't have to married to get them.
such a wonderful and well written post. helpful to clueless people like me. i don't mean to be intrusive, but i can see where i could be taken that way. these past few years i have seen friends and family struggle with fertility issues, which has been eyeopening and made me more aware of stupid things to avoid saying, but mostly because they talked about how hurtful it was when people not close to them made comments/asked questions. a post such as this is great for folks not intentionally mean (some parents/in-laws can be awful in their desire for grandbabies), but just not thoughtful/respectful. so this bull in a china shop thanks you.
and that photo? STUNNING.
ya know...you have me thinking. i wonder what it is about me that most people don't ask why i am not married or why i don't have kids...wonder why most people aren't all up in my business. then again, maybe people are, but i just brush them aside and write their asses off since my issues aren't as (understandably) emotional as some of the topics you have touched on here.
rambling again in your comments. you are welcome.
What a great post.
These words are true whether you have no children, or many children.
Did you know if you have more than two, some people feel it is their duty to tell you that you have a HUUUUGE family and OMG how do you keep track of ALLL those KIIIDS??? And then there's the wiseacres who want to know if you've figured out what "causes that" as if it was some type of disease.
The most painful comment ever was kindly meant. It was a month or so after our fifth child died at a few days old. Someone looked over my 4 living children, commented on how cute they were, and then said '2 boys and 2 girls! The PERFECT family!"
AAARGH! No, PERFECT would have been to have my 3rd boy alive and well, cooing at all of us from the snug warmth of my arms instead of being buried in a nightmarishly tiny casket. And what about families with 3 boys/1 girl, 4 boys, 4 girls, etc... are those sub-par families? NO.
But the sweet little old lady was trying to give us a compliment. I just walked away to hide the tears streaming down my face and let my husband handle it.
Last August we joyfully welcomed our 7th child, and we now have 6 living children, 3 boys 3 girls. We were content after #6 was born, and didn't exactly plan #7. Doesn't make him any less loved or cherished, but people judge. Sigh. It seems no matter what you do, SOMEone will always feel entitled to explain to you the many many ways you are "doing it all wrong."
(haven't read all the comments yet, but): COSIGN on this post. I have been so blessed and so lucky (except for that one time) and I HATE HATE HATE pregnancy questions and comments. if someone wants to share with me, that's cool. if someone asks my opinion (and they have to be insistent, because I'mma keeping my mouth shut most of the time), I'll give it. I heard a lot of "trying for a boy" when I was pregnant after Flora and Kate. I was just trying for a healthy baby!
This isn't the only subject that people should just learn to MTOB, but it certainly can be one of the most senstive ones.
I started a family waaay to early by having my son at the age of 16..but then my husband and I had our 2nd at 20 and our daughter at 27
I got the usual you need to keep your legs closed, you need to get fixed, you really can't afford more kids!
Which blew me away because I had NO idea how i choose to use my uterus was up for discussion..family or not
I'm only 34 and alot of people are just now starting their families...my husband's and I are perfectly happy with our 3 but it really grinds my gears when people think they are being good natured but in reality
Being a$$holes
You are so right! People have zero tact or common sense or manners -- especially when it comes to babies, pregnancy, or the absence of pregnancy! It's like they just can't stand not to say SOMETHING.
I'm sorry if you have been hurt by others' thoughtless words!
Thank you so much for this post. Can I print it out and have some in my bag just in case somebody AGAIN asks these dumb questions?
I always had planned to have kids. I love kids. I would kill for my wonderful niece.
BUT ... it did not happen. My life did not go down that road.
Am I happy anyway? Yes, mostly.
Am I sad because I wanted kids but have none? Yes, sometimes.
Is that the business of anybody just trying to make small talk? NOOOOOOOO!
I needed to read this today........thank you!
My husband and I have been EXTREMELY lucky that we've been able to conceive very easily. I'm just now starting to share the news that we are expecting baby no. 3. And just as you wrote, we are currently a family blessed with two boys. EVERY person I have shared this news with has responded with "maybe this is your girl" "Are you trying for that girl?" etc. etc. etc. Just as you wrote about. Its infuriating to me! I want A BABY. I am ecstatic to be carrying A BABY despite what this baby's gender is. It is a blessing. I hate that people assume.........And the you are totally right, the bottom line is that it's nobody's business!
Sorry for ranting when you've already hit the nail on the head.
I'm so glad you wrote this post. It's exactly true. All of it. People aren't malicious. THey have the best of intentions. But It's time to open this conversation up to let those nebby people know that it isn't anyone's business what goes on behind a family's closed doors.
I get the opposite of what you wrote. "OMG! So many kids! You have your hands full! What were you thinking! I hope you aren't planning to have any more kids! You are the reason why the world is so overpopulated.You are selfish to have so many " Yes. I have had ALL of those statements thrown at me. But only since I had Iz. 3 was an acceptable number to society, but 4 isn't. I suppose. It's all hurtful.
Yes, my family is blessed, and overwhelmed. I wouldn't trade a second of it. We all have our stories, and it's important to honor everyone's journey. Thank you again for writing this conversation starter.
I know a woman who has lost a baby, has miscarried (i believe), and now has a gorgeous daughter. I had seen some beautiful pictures of her little girl, and without thinking I said something like "you need to have more babies, because you and your husband make stunning kids".
I am SUCH an asshole. I know about her history, and for some reason my brain just wasn't working. This happened months and months ago, but jeez, i just feel terrible. I think I apologized, but if I didn't, I'm very, very sorry.
My ex-mother-in-law would make cracks to a family member about keeping her legs closed, demanding that she or her husband HAVE to get "fixed"- as if they're freakin' dogs.
I get stupid questions too. I WANT another kid, our daughter is almost 8, and is the most amazing person I have the pleasure of knowing, but i continuously have people asking me when i am going to have more, and all of the same things all of you have said here. I've had two miscarriages, and I agonize over wanting another child.
My hope is that we can all start realizing that everyone's story is different, so to think before we speak.
I usually go for the "Wow, your kid(s) is/are SO beautiful! You must be so proud."
And I HATE how people can't keep their conversations to casual, neutral topics. I had been dating a guy for years and he was away for two years when someone in my community asked about him and said "So, when are you getting married?". What the hell? I wasn't even engaged yet! He hadn't even moved back home! Another person asked when we'd be getting married years ago, and explained that he had a bet going on with his daughters. If he hadn't said that, they would have been invited to the wedding. (Is it bad that I hold grudges that long?)
I'm pretty sure I'd respond to these pregnancy questions with a nice little F-you and then turn around and walk away. Or if I was really offended, I'd make up a story and go into great detail, thanking them at the end very kindly, for their concern. Sometimes that;s better than a F-off.
Also, I've been reading for a while now. You're hilarious. You're so real. And your daughter is GORGEOUS! I pray that one day I might be so fortunate.
Yep - I'm with everyone above on this. People need to mind their own freakin' business. Thanks for writing this - hopefully it will stop a question or comment along those lines from at least one person that reads it. I love Amy's response, and like the idea Christina had to print it out and keep it with her.
Nothing to add to the discussion, really, but didn't want to leave this one without commenting. Kudos to you, and to every person. I never understand why people think it is OK to comment on anything like this to others.
I was blessed to have boy/girl twins. I'd be even more blessed if I had a dollar for every time someone I don't even know said, "Wow! Now you're done!" I'm so glad we're putting it to a general referendum.
Years of infertility and multiple pregnancy losses have me SO SENSITIVE about this. I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again (with what appears to be a keeper?), but I'm still so scarred by all that happened to us that I think about how people behave and I want to lecture ALL OF THEM. REPEATEDLY.
Instead, I will send them this post.
Awesome post.
I've found that if you answer those questions with responses like "I don't have a uterus," or "I am on a blood thinner which would cause major birth defects if I unknowingly became pregnant," people stop asking me if I want to try for a boy. Seriously, have you seen my girls?