Gone.
Distractions are welcome these days, so early this morning I threw on some clothes and prepared to give a presentation about social media to a group of real estate agents. There was no reason to cancel, even if a lot has happened in the month since I agreed to give the presentation. I needed to be there. For me.
As I stood in front of the mirror, I fussed with my hair. I'm generally a very no-fuss kind of person, but that's mostly because I long ago learned how to just go with the flow. My hair knows what it wants to do, so I let it do it. But this morning nothing seemed to work.
I primped.
I combed.
I sprayed.
I flat-ironed.
I primped some more.
Over and over and over, I ran through the cycle trying to figure out WHY my hair looked wrong. Why was it not laying right? Why was it so uncooperative?
I sighed as I figured it out. I had parted it on the wrong side. I have parted my hair in exactly the same place every day for the past fifteen years (at least), but this morning? This morning I had it all backwards.
It was the second time in just a few days that I've done that exact thing.
It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure out that I've lost who I am. There's no way to be the person I was back in November before everything started to fall apart. That person is gone. I'll never again be that person who fights to create a culture of learning at a construction company as she drives around in a Nissan Rogue, complaining about a noisy bulldog and remaining hopelessly optimistic about . . . well . . . everything. But most certainly hopelessly optimistic about that.
She's gone. That version of me is gone.
I haven't found the new me yet, but I'm looking. Bear with me as I try to find her.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Reader Comments (38)
My heart is still aching for you. I hope things start looking better soon.
Well, my dear, I don't think any one of us expects you to be the same. I don't think there's any way to be the same. If you WERE the same, I might ask you for whatever drugs you're taking.
I won't talk about "blah blah blah reasons for crap" and "blah blah blah silver lining" because that crap is CRAP. PURE CRAP.
But I will tell you that those of us who love you will stand by your side while you find yourself again. And damned if we won't help you even when you say you don't want our help.
Love you.
There are a lot of cliches that could explain it, but those cliches don't make it easier to get thru it, and in the long run, they just make me want to punch the people who repeat them in the face. You are an amazing person, and you will get thru all this to be still an amazing person. I suck at pithy, uplifting sentiment, so that thought is the best I can send you. I'm sorry, and wish I could translate my "been there, done that" better and have it help somehow.
Thinking of you my friend. You've had a whole shitstorm thrown at you in the past 2 months. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed every day and go from there.
<3
We're with you, my friend, from wherever we are.
We love you, and will be here for you when you need us. No matter what.
You will find yourself again. I am sitting here thinking about all the times I have lost myself and each time I have come back a stronger wiser woman. I would never have chosen the path of pain and yet, that is where I found myself. Don't give up on you. You are wise and talented. I admire that. Prayers for you and I am soo sorry for your losses.
Michelle, when you're done grieving, you'll find yourself again. I know the new you will strongly resemble the old you, with a few more bumps. I also know that you'll learn to love your bumps, as they are a part of wonderful Michelle, plus they give you the kind of experience that will eventually give you even more insight and wisdom. Hugs. <3
You will find her. Of this I'm certain.
I know I'm echoing the others above, but you will come back from this. It will take time. Be gentle with yourself.
From ashes, a phoenix arises.
You will find yourself again. It feels like the "you" that is missing is so far away, you can barely even remember what it's like. But when you are ready, you will wake one morning and realize there is that spark again. The spark that was there before. And it will feel glorious to realize that you are, truly, going to be okay. As a longtime reader, my heart goes out to you. 13 years ago, I gave an almost full term baby back to Heaven. My world was staggered. I wondered if I'd ever, EVER, be "me" again. I applaud your strength to continue to live through each day, as that can seem a monumental task at times. Take care of yourself, and things will fall into place Michelle.
Michelle, we love you. Much more than you will ever know, and much much more than we could ever show...
None of is going anywhere while you look for your new, different "me". Take your time. All time you need. I am sure you will find it and it will be an improved version. Yes, it will never be the same but those shitstorm periods in life indeed make us stronger and wiser in the end. Looking back these are periods of inner growth - as painful as they are.
I had turning points like this maybe two or three times in my life and I know you had at least one before as well, because the moment you lose your mother is one of those. Life as a motherless person will never be the same again.
When I look back now and ask myself if I would like to be that person again I was before these breakdowns, I can - looking from safe distance at the moment - say clearly: No, I do not want to be that person again because I think it's a better version of me now. I am sure it will be the same for you.
Would I have chose these challanges if I would have had a choice? Sure not, but nobody asked. So we cannot do anything else than get up, clean the dust out of our pants from falling on our knees and go looking for the new "me". And I promise - you will find it sooner or later.
Usually I would put in "Hugs" here, but I know better. So I just let you know that I will raise a nice glass of wine in your name this weekend to cheer on you and a bright future full of love and light.
One day at a time lady, just take it one day at a time. I know it's totally cliche, but I think it works here. You will find the new you, I have no doubt about that. And I have to echo everything @Firemom said. We are here for you, whether you want us or not.
Sending you big, huge, cringe-worthy hugs.
If we didn't have lows, we would not appreciate the best days of our lives. Hang in there - the fact that you continue to post and love your sweet daughter and Mr. Husband and keep moving is testimony to who you are - she's in there, just know the tide WILL turn.
There are a lot of people cheering for you as you figure it out. Take your time.
You will come through this stronger and different, no doubt. With everything you've had thrown at you in the past 2 months, there is no way you won't be changed.
All I know is that the "new you" will be just as awesome as the "old you"
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Just know that we will be here when YOU get here.
It is such a lost feeling. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.
You won't be the exactly the same, but I bet you get close, only stronger and with even more wisdom than you had before.
Hang in there.
I'm so sorry that you are going through these things. I don't know if you are religious, but I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers.
20 minutes at a time. just 20 minutes. that is what my mom always said. when life was so overwhelming that i wanted to puke she asked me to talk to her for 20 minutes. when i got through that 20 she asked if i wanted to talk to her for another 20. eventually i could get through 20 minutes on my own. it seemed like it took forever, but i eventually got through an entire hour on my own. somewhere along the way an entire day i could do. things never go away, they will never be the same, but eventually, 20 minutes at a time, we find ourselves stronger.
if you want someone to sit with you, 20 minutes or 20 days, i'm here for you. we don't have to talk. or we can talk about as many squirrels as you want to. regardless, i'm here. we all are. you are so very loved.
Here reading as you try to find her. Look for hope in the small things, its there to be found, to be grasped onto, to lead you down a new path.
So sorry you're going thru such a rough time right now. Hang in there.
{{ hugs }}
I'm going to break a small rule of mine right now about not talking about football or pretending it doesn't exist, just so I can say this:
I'm okay that we lost. In fact, I'm even a little glad that we lost if it means you can still be the you who smiles and teases and dances with glee at pouty Tom Brady. See? Now THAT's someone who cares. :)
You'll find her. You. The new you. The real you. I won't say it won't suck in the meantime, but hopefully it will keep sucking less and less. And we're here - to perform "pouting Tom Brady" google searches to send you pictures and do whatever else you need.
Oh, Michelle. There isn't anything to say or do right now to make you feel better, but I hope that time helps. And distractions keep coming. If you need a distraction, holler. And since I'm pretty sure you won't holler, I'll holler at you girl ;)
You'll find her. Promise. Don't look to tomorrow, or next week or next month. Look to the next handful of minutes. 10, 15, 20...whatever it is.
In the meantime, so many of us are here. Regardless of if we've ever talked to you on the phone, met you in person or only communicated through FB, blogs and email...every single one of us is here for you. Never forget this. Ever.
I went through a similar experience. Most of my existence had been based on working/my job, and when that went away, I felt lost (and still do many days).
As others said, you will good and bad days (and good and bad hours), and with the bad you will better appreciate the good. But you really seem as if you have your crap together, way more than I ever have or will, so I have no doubt you will find an even better, though different, you.
Keep swimming.
Nothing I write will come out as beautifully as this: http://youtu.be/5k9QBNXCP0A.
So that is my request and dedication to you today.
Take all the time you need. I know you'll find her eventually. Until then, just take it one day at a time, some times one hour at a time. I know I've never met you and I don't visit as often as I used to, and yet, I consider one of my better internet friends. You are a sweet wonderful person. I'm so sorry you and your family is having to go through all this. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Take all the time you need. I know you'll find her eventually. Until then, just take it one day at a time, some times one hour at a time. I know I've never met you and I don't visit as often as I used to, and yet, I consider one of my better internet friends. You are a sweet wonderful person. I'm so sorry you and your family is having to go through all this. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Take all the time you need. I know you'll find her eventually. Until then, just take it one day at a time, some times one hour at a time. I know I've never met you and I don't visit as often as I used to, and yet, I consider one of my better internet friends. You are a sweet wonderful person. I'm so sorry you and your family is having to go through all this. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
This post really spoke to me. My husband and I had a series of unfortunate events take place a little over a year ago and the same type of thing happened.... I just got out of every routine I had, forgot all things before everything went wrong, and lost who I was. I am still trying to find the new me, and slowly and surely that is happening, but it is a process; a journey. Good luck finding the new Michelle, and hang in there.
Everyday we are different from past experiences, so just think that your NEW YOU will be as awesome as the old one.
I'm sorry. This is all just so not great. I went through a lot last year and I'm feeling more normal now... but I still don't feel like I did before it all. It will get better. (Hugs)
Take your time, we'll follow along and encourage you. And what you share may help some of us down the line, too.