Guard Your Heart
A thing happened in our family earlier this week that can only be described as the absolute worst possible nightmare. It's not my story to tell as it wasn't something that happened to a person who lives in this house, but still, it's shattering. Breathtakingly awful. I wish there was anything I could do to make it better, but wishing doesn't get anyone anywhere in this case.
So that's why I've been quiet. It's hard to piece together words when your heart is broken for people you care about.
While I'm not going to explain any of the details, I do want to write a small piece of advice for anyone who finds themselves grieving in the worst possible way. It's a thing I've learned from friends who have felt that awfulness and a thing I've observed. I will always be the person willing to speak up and defend this opinion - when tragedy strikes, it is not your responsibility to protect other people's feelings.
People say incredibly stupid things to people who are grieving. "It was God's plan" or "At least you're young and can have another one" is just a small sampling of some of the things I've heard said. And if you say those things, I know your heart is coming from a place of trying to help, but SHUT UP. Horrible things are horrible. There is no justifying them. Nothing about a bigger plan or moving past that thing makes any of it better. If you're saying those kinds of words, you're trying to make yourself feel better, not the person who is grieving.
Say "I'm here to listen" or "I"m so sorry" or "How can I help?" Do not try to make excuses for the universe. Do not act like dreams can be replaced. There are a thousand things you can say that are centered around the person grieving and not designed for your own benefit.
But if you're the one grieving and you're hearing these things? You don't have to stay quiet or say things to make the speaker feel better. You are not responsible for their sadness. Walk away, say "That's not helpful" ... do whatever you need to do for you. Protect yourself.
Because sometimes life is just plain awful and it's okay to do whatever you need to do to find your way to the other side.
Thursday, July 29, 2021
Reader Comments (3)
When my boyfriend committed suicide, I had a friend tell me he was in hell. I told her not to tell me that. Her reply? I am nothing if not honest. That's not being honest. We are no longer friends. I will never forget her words. I did later find out in counseling that a number of religions no longer take this line. Rather someone who does this isn't in their right mind and is forgiven and accepted into heaven. I'm so sorry for what ever is going on. There is too much right now. I hope they find peace and grace and most of all comfort.
I heard so many similar, unhelpful and hurtful comments after my daughter and her grandparents were in a car accident that resulted in the death of her grandfather. I was so busy trying to hold my family together as people were telling me God doesn't bring you more than you can handle. Bullsh*t! The accident had nothing to do with God and a lot to do with the jackass that cut them off. I was very vocal to people who said stupid things. Keeping your family in my thoughts and I hope they find peace and comfort in the coming days.
I am so sorry. I know how it feels to be part of a horrible tragedy that isn't your story to tell (though I did get to tell it after making sure it was ok with those closest to the tragedy.) My thoughts are with all who are grieving.