I Am Not Mark Brown
You know that moment when you're keeping pace with a pack of cars and the highway patrolman pulls out? You know someone is about to get a ticket, and really it's up to him to decide who is going to get lucky that day. He has lots of choices.
It was my turn, apparently.
We were eight hours into our ten-hour drive when the Kentucky State Patrol Officer decided I looked like the best driver for the ticket. I was a little baffled as to how it was possible that the little go cart of a car I was driving was going fast enough up the long, steep hill to warrant a ticket, but whatever. There is no cruise control in that car, so anything is possible. Don't even get me started on the placement of the odometer, by the way. It's in the middle of the car's dash, so it's not within the driver's field of vision. I'm That Person who drives 45 in a 65 at times because I simply can't see how fast I'm going unless I purposely look away from the road.
Anyway.
As the officer approached my window, I grabbed my drivers license and mentally prepared myself for a wave of annoyance. It's never fun to pay a speeding ticket. Never.
We went through the wave of formalities and the officer retreated back to his car. As I waited, I volleyed questions from the Peanut Gallery in the back seat as I dug through the glove compartment identifying things that could be thrown away. Might as well get a little cleaning done while I waited, right?
After what seemed like an extraordinary amount of time, all hell broke loose. The officer approached my window with a pile of paperwork in his hands and said, "Ma'am, are you aware that your license is suspended?"
Time froze. My eyes conveyed, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" My mind added a few dozen adjectives and adverbs to that. My mouth, fortunately, didn't do anything. After a long pause, it finally opened slowly to say, "Uhhh ... no."
"We can't see why in the system, but your license has been suspended," the officer told me. He went on to tell me that he wasn't going to take me into custody since Alexis was with me, nor was he going to call CPS to claim her.
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, YOU GUYS.
Obviously, I was losing my mind in all sorts of ways.
As we continued through the conversation, the officer said we could go to the next exit and I could check into a hotel, but I wasn't allowed to drive past that. Because, you know, SUSPENDED LICENSE. The whole conversation took probably ten minutes and involved a lot of me answering questions slowly and deliberately so that I wouldn't say anything stupid. There was only one person in that conversation with any power, and it wasn't me. I blinked a lot, I'm sure. That's what I do when I'm beyond the point of anger.
As the officer followed me to the hotel, I called the husband. He was every bit as confused as I was. Which, RIGHT ANSWER. It's always good to know that your spouse instantly will say, "How the hell is that possible?" when confronted with the knowledge that you've allegedly done something that warrants a suspended license.
You guys, I'm the most boring human on this planet. I like it that way. I walk a straight and narrow path that includes relatively few cusses, no law-breaking, and certainly NOTHING THAT WOULD WARRANT HAVING YOUR LICENSE SUSPENDED. Heck, I stood at the grocery store a few weeks ago and told a cashier that she had just undercharged me $5 when she rang up the wrong code for some produce. I'm pretty sure if I had ever done something that could earn me a suspended license, I would remember it.
When we finally reached the hotel, I started to open the car door to see what the highway patrolman suggested I do next. The first words out of his mouth were, "Can I see that paperwork for a second?" I obliged and he disappeared back into his car.
It was the longest three minutes of my life because Alexis had started BAWLING at that point. She didn't understand what was going on, but she had figured out that we weren't going to our destination that night and SHE WAS VERY NOT HAPPY OMG.
The officer finally stepped back out of his car and smiled a wry, guilt-filled grin as he said, "So, you're not Mark Brown, are you?"
INSERT THE WORLD'S LOUDEST RECORD SCRATCH HERE.
You guys, we were a few miles from Mr. Beam's palace and even fewer miles from the land of Maker's Mark. I was absolutely certain the highway patrolman had been driving around getting a contact drunk because WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME IF MY NAME IS MARK BROWN, MR. OFFICER WHO I WOULD LIKE TO REFER TO BY ANOTHER NAME BUT WON'T BECAUSE STRAIGHT AND NARROW AND BORING.
APPARENTLY when Mr. Officer called in my driver's license number, two results came up. APPARENTLY he didn't think to double-check that before crashing my entire universe and acting like he was doing me a favor by not arresting me on the spot. APPARENTLY it is Mark Brown who has a suspended license and has a warrant out for his arrest. APPARENTLY I WISH I COULD PUNCH THAT OFFICER IN THE FACE BUT I WON'T BECAUSE STRAIGHT AND NARROW AND BORING OMG.
"You're free to go," he said as he STILL HANDED ME A STUPID FREAKIN' SPEEDING TICKET FOR GOING 10 MPH OVER THE STUPID FREAKIN SPEED LIMIT.
Call me crazy, but I think if you make my kid cry as you wrongly accuse me of committing a crime, YOU OWE ME. BIG. ALL OF THE THINGS. EVERYTHING.
So, long story short, don't speed in Kentucky. They'll screw up as they run your driver's license number and make a giant ordeal out of the fact that you have a suspended license when in all actuality, you don't. At all. Not even close.
BECAUSE I AM NOT MARK FREAKIN BROWN.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Reader Comments (22)
Well, I'm glad he figured it out sooner rather than later! I can see why you prefer boring!
I cannot believe how dumb things like this happen. My husband looked for a new job for two years and couldn't figure out why he never made it past the interview. No callback, no nothing. Turns out the cop did pretty much the same thing. Arrested somebody, saw two people with the same name and randomly assigned the (DV!) violation to my husband, despite a 100 lb disparity and a different hair color, not to mention, oh you know, a different SSN. Nice.
Two very stressful weeks and $1000 later we had the expunged and he could get a job. Insanity.
My BFF got a speeding ticket in KY. She paid it. Then found out a year later when pulled over in OH that KY suspended her license for not paying her ticket. It was quite the fiasco requiring bank records and notaries. So yes, don't speed in KY apparently. That is insane - I can't believe after all of that he still gave you the ticket.
ZOMG!! I would have flipped my sh!t and then some. Especially after the fiasco with my Mr. Husband and his DL getting stolen. Good grief.
Dude, that is crazy. Only you, Michelle, only you. {and well probably me, since I am sitting here giving thanks that this craziness didn't happen to me}
OH. MY. GOD!
That is crazy! Absolutely crazy!
Almost posted a nasty name. What a jerk.
Oh. My. I am glad he "put his glasses on" and realized you were not Mark.
I was pulled over at a stop light because an officer was randomly running plates and my plate came back as expired.
It was unreal since I had the registrar ration right there saying it was paid.
Finally, after some very tense unsure moments the officer (kudos to him) noticed that our registration and plate were 1 letter off. One had a M, one had an N ( when was the last time you compared the registration to your license?)
It had been that way for 2 friggin years because it so happened I had my car buying paperwork in the car...and we traced it all the way back to the dealer transfer pppwk.
Oh the blinking I did.
Thankfully no ticket was issued and we got to drive the car home.
Oh...and they pinged you because of your out of state plates...less likely to contest the ticket..more likely to just pay it. Every ticket the husband has gotten has been that way. That and police dont alway know which car in a group was speeding...so they like to pull up behind groups of cars and see if one guiltily pulls over...if not, they pick one.
What the WHAT?? That is nuts!
Whoa.
Like you look like a Mark, Brown or otherwise.
I can't believe he still gave you a ticket!
Wow, not only should he have ripped up that ticket, he should have awarded you negative points for that "inconvenience".
Holy freaking cow! And you still got the dang ticket?! That is ridiculous
I can't believe he still gave you the ticket! I'm a pretty straight and narrow person myself, but I don't think I would have been able to keep my mouth from saying, "You're still giving me the freakin' ticket after what you just put me through?!"
Wow. Just wow.
Seriously? What the heck?! I would have been so mad!
I too have a friend that got pulled over in KY and was given a ticket. She paid her fine and thought all was well. A year later she finds out her license has been suspended by the state of KY because they claimed she didn't pay it! I'm pretty sure very few in that state who deal with offical matters know what they are doing. I can't believe that officer somehow messed up the two names! That's ridiculous. And the fact that he still wrote you a ticket is absurd!
your delivery is just delightful. I promise I am not chuckling at your situation, but it's the delivery!
stupid kentucky
I hate Kentucky. We lived there for 9 months. It was the worst period of my life. Thankfully he noticed before you rented a room.
Uh, SERIOUSLY?! WTF, man? How could he have thought you were a MARK. It's not even like it's a gender-neutral name. I would have been FURIOUS. Ugh.
What was wrong with that cop, seriously? I am glad he figured out but I would have been very mad at him especially after he still gave you a ticket.
Goodness! Trips with kids never go quite as planned! Check out our Disney Land misadventures: http://chatonsworld.blogspot.com/2012/05/comments-from-vacation-disney-world.html. And keep blogging! Love it!
Did you happen to have Steeler plates, or bumper stickers or anything of the sort? My Mom swears they get her for no other reason but being a Steeler fan.
boobs. always wear low cut shirts when traveling out of state by car.