I Get To Go First
I prefer to assume it's normal, so if it's not, lie to me. I need to think that the fact that Alexis occasionally worries about me dying is a totally and completely normal thing. The alternative is to think that maybe she's crazy or maybe she's psychic, and no thank you. I'd rather not. Normal it is!
Every once in a while, Alexis will have a nightmare about me dying. And every once in a while, she will plead desperately with me to not die. The pleading is accompanied by sobbing and hugs and intense fear. It's truly a very pitiful thing. It happens often enough for me to not be shocked when it happens, but it does not happen often enough for me to come up with a good response. Instead I just sort of fumble through the moment. Which, now that I'm thinking about it, might very well be why she won't let it go.
Anyway. Normal. Right? RIGHT.
(GO WITH ME ON THIS. I already have enough issues with death and blah, blah, blah. I need not write another chapter about THAT.)
Today was yet another one of those days when Alexis' mind took a wrong turn and landed her on the topic of death. I don't know why, I just know that she came home from cheerleading and was on her way upstairs to take a shower when she looked over her shoulder, locked eyes with me, and said, "Momma, please don't die until after I do."
I threw something shiny at her instead of really replying because what I wanted to say was OH HELL NO. Unless we're talking about her living to the age of 80, which means me living until the age of 110, OH HELL NO. I go first. That is not a negotiable item.
This is the kind of stuff nobody warns you about when you become a parent.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Reader Comments (11)
I'm not lying to you. It's pretty normal. It may escalate if a friend's parent dies or she sees or reads something about a parental death. In my case, two of my daughters have already lost a mom to death, so I can't sugar-coat anything, but stress that we are all here now and that living in fear is no fun. Chances are we will all be together for a long, long time.
Totally normal for her age. Thankfully, it will pass!
It is completely and totally normal at that age. I can remember going through it myself. I shared a room with my sister (who is six years older) and I would start crying in my bed. "What NOW?" she' always ask (I cried a lot). "I don't want mom and dad to die!" I would say. It happened quite a bit. She still teases me about it.
My kids also say stuff like that. Every once in a while one of them has a freak out over the thought of me dying. It increases if they have heard about someone else dying too. When my father and then Todd's father passed away the kids' worry about us dying increased.
Completely natural!
My girlies went through it a few years ago when I came up with the brilliant idea of watching Land Before Time. STUPID MOVIE FOR TODDLERS WITH A BRAIN. Good god. Ahem. And I remember making my mom promise me that she wouldn't die, either. I honestly don't know what's worse - being the child completely terrified, or being the mama seeing your baby be that terrified. Un-fun!! But completely normal. Hang in there, Alexis-girl. All will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.
Yep, normal. And yep, it's not something you can prepare for - unless you are literally watching someone die (like we did with my MIL last fall). Even then, you think you know what they'll ask and what you'll say but, no. My oldest asked a lot about this when he was 3. I can remember the age vividly because we always told him he wouldn't die until he was "older". Turns out, we also told him he would be "older" when he was 4, so, well, you can guess how that went. He just thought he was going to die on his 4th birthday. Talk about traumatic - for both of us!
Totally, totally normal. I'd have bouts where I'd refuse to sleepover at a friend's house-- I needed to know where mom was. Actually, I'm still like that. Thankful for the "Find Friends" app so I know where mama is at all times. It's a security thing. While she's strong and independent (or becoming so), she's holding on to her comfort--you. Totally and completely normal.
Do we have the same child, because my daughter and I had this exact conversation this week too (and a few other times over the last year.) We were outside picking flowers and she stops and says 'I want to die first mommy, because if you die, I want to die too.' I told her it'd probably be awhile until either of us died, because we don't live forever - yet. Then her next thought was she wanted to grow up to find ways to help people not die.
I know it's normal for kids to think/say these things because I remember doing/saying the same things as a kid, but uggggh - heartstrings and brain summersaults!
totally normal.
i used to ask my mom to please not die until after i do. especially after i learned about the dangers of smoking. i drove her nuts until she quit.
when i begged mom to not die until after i did, she always gave me the same answer, that it was natural in the circle of life for parents to pass before their children and that she would do her best to look both ways before crossing the street, stop smoking, eat healthy, not do drugs, and all around take care of herself so that she reached old age.
mom was my biggest cheerleader, supporter, and completely full of unconditional love. i couldn't imagine life without her. i still miss her, seven years later. but circle of life and all that. also, #fuckcancer.
Jena is four and we have those moments. Of course, she was introduced to the idea of death at age 2 when her kitten died, and again at age 3 when her Papaw did, so... I think it's normal. I stumble thru it too, searching for the right words. No, I'm not lying :)
Also - Alexis' necklace is adorable.
I distinctly remember being about 5 or 6 years old and sobbing gut wrenching sobs at the dinner table with my dad about death and dying. (Mine was instigated by the neighbor across the street retiring to Florida, though, and I do remember crying that I didn't want to die.)
Its normal. Just be thankful she has these conversations at home. My 3 year old recently yelled " were going to die " inside a plane during take off.