I'm Dreaming of a Beach Vacation Without Chunks
In the interest of full disclosure, let me just go ahead and admit that the only reason for this entire post is that I wanted an excuse to post this picture:
Oh, how my old click-and-shoot camera sucked. But! But! A baby sleeping on the beach will always overcome camera inadequacies. Also, ::sigh::
Anyway, that photo was taken in April of 2007, back when Alexis was just one-year old. It's a deceiving photo that seems to tell the story of a content baby, but it's LIES. ALL LIES. Alexis' first encounter with the beach was a happy one for all of 13.4 seconds. I managed to snap this:
It is the exact moment when Alexis' face began to transform from an expression of "I might be OK with this sand stuff" to "OMG! WTF? WHAT IS THIS CRAP? WHY IS IT ON ME? I'M DYYYYYYYYYYYYYING! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A millisecond after that photo, the kid completely lost her mind. Anyone watching might have thought we dumped battery acid on her head while kicking Dora in the face and throwing Boots out in the ocean with a brick tied to his foot.
Once she had thoroughly shattered every ear drum within a 3-mile radius, she fell asleep. And that was the extent of her experience with the beach.
Pure loathing.
Fast forward almost four years. I had the bright idea that it was time to stop letting the kid keep me from the beach. I wanted to sit around and do nothing for a while, dammit, and if she wanted to scream the entire time, so what? I'm immune to her screaming at this point. IMMUNE, I SAY.
So we planned an afternoon at the beach while we were in Florida. I had talked up the ocean and the beach as if they were some sort of life-saving chemical that tasted like crap. It's fun! It's exciting! It's super-special! You'll love it! It's good for you! EAT THE LIFE-SAVING CHEMICAL, KID.
Things started out on the right foot.
And by the "right foot," I mean she refused to take off her water shoes, but oh well. Heaven help us all if that kid ever gets a speck of dirt on her toes. She might just melt.
The kid and her magic shoes managed to have some fun in the water.
Of course, it was all a sham. A SHAM, I TELL YOU.
I don't know how it started, I just know the sham started to unravel a few moments later. SOMEONE got a little itsy bitsy tiny little drop of sea water in her mouth. SOMEONE thought that sea water tasted like donkey ass dipped in sludgy milk. SOMEONE flipped her lid.
I have five years of training in the art of unflipping her lid, so I talked her down from the ledge in a matter of minutes. It was almost impressive how she went from this:
To this:
And then back to this:
VICTORY!
Except . . . what's up with the chipmunk cheeks? She wasn't storing nuts for winter. She wasn't rinsing her mouth out with mouthwash. No, she was trying to create a waterproof seal with her lips because OMG! The ocean was making her puke!
Alexis swore up and down and left and right that if any ocean water got in her mouth, she would puke. It wouldn't be her fault. Nope, the ocean would be to blame.
Hey, so, remember how my kid has that really awesome puking skill? You know, the one where can make herself vomit on command, just by thinking about it?
Dear people who were at Cocoa Beach the same day as us,
I'm really sorry about the chunks in the water. I tried to stop her. I swear I did.
Sincerely,
The Lady Who Is Going To Spend a Day Relaxing At The Beach Even If It Kills Her
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Reader Comments (15)
Oh. My. Well, at least she's developing her skill. And DANG it, she's the cutest little sleeping peanut on the beach ever.
And P.S. That running shot with the shadow? LURVE.
BB flipped about the sand and the water for our first two years. Now he gets mad when we won't take him in the Big Water. That said, I fully expect Disney World to FREAK HIM OUT next year. I'm sure he'll vomit. LOL
Oh Mama, you need a day off!
My youngest also has the puking skill. She hasn't pulled it out for ruining beach trips yet - only dinners involving anything green or otherwise vegetable like.
Thankfully my girls despise puking enough that they have not perfected the "puke on command" skill. They have, however, learned to like the beach, icky ocean water and all. My oldest was much like Alexis the first time we took her - she hated the sand, hated the water (more like clung to me for dear life and wanted NOTHING to do with it). She was about 3 I think. My youngest didn't mind it as much the first time (she was about a year old) and she walked around like it was no big deal while her sister continued her best baby Koala impression. The next time we went, about 2 years later, she had forgotten she liked it before and behaved very much the way her sister did at the same age.
You would never know it now that they both hated the beach as toddlers. Last summer when we were in NC, they both cried when we left the beach. They loved every part of it, especially the waves, except my youngest still felt the need to wipe the sand out of her shoes about every five minutes. : ) Hopefully Alexis will come around and refrain from "chunking" the ocean on future visits.
Just looking at the pictures one gets a delightful beach story board. A wonderful time at the beach as an adorable baby and so on. Glad I didn't read the words. (wink) The pictures were a delight!
Sea water makes me puke too. I love going to the beach so long as I don't have to get in the water. It's the devil I tell you.
So I guess when Emily is looking around for someone to go to the beach, Alexis will be hiding?
Those aren't "chunks"... it's fish food! All organic, too!
Thank you for composing a post, just so you could use that first picture. It is melt my heart gorgeous!
I have been dreaming of a beach vacation for years. Hope it doesn't completely fail at living up to my expectations, but that does happen a lot. I'm blissfully (or naively) optimistic.
HAHAHA!!!! That is hilarious!!
I mean... not funny. Not funny at all.
Perhaps you'll have to relax poolside somewhere. ;)
come on up to Erie (well, once it ever decides to get warmer than 38degrees). We only have stinky lake water that smells like fish and tastes like dirt ;-). At least it doesn't taste like donkey ass!
ZOMG
the baby cuteness.
Holy cow -- she's an evil genius. you're screwed;-)
I am dying over that first picture! OMG is that just the best shot ever! And when you put it next to pictures from this year's trip . . . man is she growing up. And blowing chunks in the ocean . . . gross, but the fish were probably happy to not have to hunt too hard for dinner.
As a mother to another child with alien gag reflex: HAHAHAHA!!!!
HILarious! Glad you blogged this one out to remember. I'm sure it will be making the rounds at family gatherings for ever after. :)