I'm Fired, I Guess

I've had a few years to figure this out, but somehow it JUST now came together in my head - when it comes to activities, the kids who have helicopter parents win.

Bear with me for a second here.

For one of the cheer squads that Alexis is on (UGH THAT THERE IS MORE THAN ONE), there is a points system. The intention behind the points system is to encourage proper participation, which is a good thing. Missing practices can cause the participants to gain points, as can forgetting to bring their gear, misbehaving, all sorts of things. If you get too many points, you stop being allowed to participate. It's all good.

Except.

Practices during the summer were often in the middle of the work day. They could be scheduled for 7-9:00 am, 9-11:00 am, 1-3:00 pm, or 3-5:30 pm. All of those things were possible. All of those things REALLY SUPER SUCKED for those of us who work traditional work schedules. I'm very fortunate that I have a lot of flexibility and can run out real quick to move my kid from cheer to home or camp to cheer or whatever, but ... well, sometimes there is something important happening at work and I can't cut out.

For me, Middle School cheer is not more important than my job. It just isn't.

But! It is really super important to Alexis. It's in her top 5 of most important things in life, easily. That said, she depends on me for a ride. She has no choice but to depend on me.

To bring it all together, if I prioritize my job over one of those cheer practices, Alexis gets a point according to the system. Do it too many times and she gets kicked off the team. We have officially conflated the importance of cheer practice with the importance of my job. The one that pays for cheer. We're punishing my kid for how I prioritize my life. Not hers.

Guess which parents don't have this sort of issue? THE ONES WHO HELICOPTER. While I completely flipped out at the practice that was scheduled to end at 9:00 but ended at 9:30 instead (thereby causing me to be late for a meeting when I thought I would be back in plenty of time), the ALL IN parents were standing there happily watching practice because they like to be heavily involved in all of the things.

The same thing is true of other activities. Alexis has missed out on opportunities because I'm not all up in her coaches' and instructors' business insisting that they do more/make things harder/etc. For example, she's not a team that she super wants to be on and the feedback I've been given from them is, "We didn't really know she wanted to do it."

I mean, she showed up for try-outs. Were they expecting more? YES, THEY WERE. They were expecting me to stop by and ask questions and insist that she get a chance. I didn't know it until after the whole thing blew up, but the flat-out fact is that because I'm not a helicopter parent, the powers-that-be didn't prioritize getting Miss Alexis into that thing. Other kids who were less qualified and skilled got in because their parents insisted.

It shouldn't be that way. But it is.

So the next time you're sitting at a Little League game and a dad won't stop yelling at his kid and the coach and it annoys you, just remember that the kid gets opportunities because of that yelling. It may have nothing to do with talent; it may be just to shut up the parent. That's how the system works sometimes.

Helicopters get the rewards.

Comments

[Mary]

That.is.so.wrong.

[Kathy]

I don't helicopter either and I know my kids have paid the price. On the other hand, sometimes I am glad they see the world isn't always fair and people often get what they want even though they aren't the most qualified, etc. They have also learned that while I have their back I am not going to do the work for them.

[kimmjo]

We found this out, the hard way as well. Ended up dropping school cheer because of the 9-11 and 1-3 summer practices on the SAME day/twice a week. We made the switch to all-star, not much better. Trying to get the gym and coaches to understand, if I don’t go to work, I don't/can’t pay for it. No one wanted to carpool, even though i followed the same 3 cars to and from practices. The all-star cheer world is like a small high school, clicky, full of favorites that your kid cannot seem to break no matter how talented they are and it is evenmore evident when your 80lb child is basing a 120lb coaches daughter.

I ended up saying, if you want to cheer, you need to cheer because you love it. I wish I could change it, but I’m not that kind of mother. if you love it enough, it’s not going to matter that your not up front or on top. it’s going to matter that your there. and if you love it, fight for it. i won’t fight for you but you know i have your back.

She’s 21 now, senior at carlow and recently told me she’s grateful she did it, but is really thankful i wasn’t like the other cheer mothers. compliment? i’ll take it.