I'm Not Afraid Of Snakes. I Just REALLY REALLY Don't Like Them.
I need to clean out our garage in a way that can best be described as OMG JUST DO IT ALREADY. It's bad. Very bad. We're talking about the sort of situation that lands people on reality TV, except with more dead stinkbugs and embarrassment.
This morning I set out to do exactly that. Armed with long pants and an old pair of gardening gloves to protect me from the dead stinkbug army, I walked out to our driveway and began to assess the situation. And then I decided there were about 37 other things that also need done. Procrastination is my superpower.
I managed to get through about 6 of those things before everything went haywire. And by haywire, I mean I WAS ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE. ASDLFKJALKDFJGALSKDFJ.
It's possible I completely freaked out.
Twitter had the pleasure of hearing the basic details of the encounter, but you are so lucky! You get ALL of the details! HUZZAH!
I don't know exactly what I was doing when I was attacked. All I remember for certain is that one second I was standing by the pond being a good little pond keeper and the next there was a snake. FOUR FREAKING INCHES FROM MY FOOT.
Words were uttered as I tried to figure out what to do. The husband is generally responsible for all issues involving things with more or less legs than me, but he was at work. He has something like fourteeen-eleventy-seventeen vacation days and today was not one of them. OF COURSE. Mind you, I know what he would have done. He would have picked up that snake with his bare hands and walked around with it, oohing and aahing over every little thing it did. I know because that's EXACTLY what he did when a snake was found at our wedding rehearsal.
I'm off track. Sorry.
The husband was at work and not due home for hours. USELESS TO ME. I couldn't just leave the snake there because it was very obviously hoping to grab some snacky snacks and there were two tasty looking frogs hanging out just a few feet away from the snake.
"OK, frogs. I'll save you. YOU BETTER APPRECIATE THIS," I mumbled.
"Hey, snake. You need to leave," I said as I pulled out my phone to take a photograph of the offending slithery thing.
It didn't obey.
"Don't make me move you," I told the snake.
It didn't budge.
"Crap," I said.
OK, I admit it. I might have said something a wee bit stronger than that, but you get the idea.
"I HAVE A NET AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT," I yelled at the snake. I was lying, of course. I was totally afraid to use it. I just figured that if I yelled a little bit, maybe a neighbor would hear the commotion and come rescue me.
No such luck.
I trudged around to the other side of the pond to grab the net, all the while keeping an eye on the snake. I didn't want it to attack me when I had my back turned.
With the net in hand, I slowly approached the snake. Then I remembered that I'm a blogger and a photographer, so it's my duty to get high resolution photographic evidence of these sorts of shenanigans.
"You stay right there," I told the snake as I dashed into the house to grab my camera.
It moved while I was gone. al;ksdjf;alksdjfl;kaj.
Fortunately(?), I was able to see the tip of its tail beneath a rock. I wasn't about to lean over and touch the rock that had been soiled by icky snake skin, so I grabbed the net, extended the handle as far as possible (10 feet!), and tried nudging the rock from afar.
No dice. The rock didn't budge, nor did the snake.
So I tried again. And again. And again. At one point I realized I would have to shorten the net handle so I could have better control. I was going to have to move closer to the snake. And then I realized that my best bet would be to flip the rock over, but it would land directly on top of my favorite tulips.
I love those tulips, but I realized they would have to be sacrificed.
A moment of silence for the tulips, please . . .
I flipped the rock and there was the snake, all curled up in a ball and glaring at me.
What's that? That's not a very good photo? Yeah, well, THAT is what happens when you hold your camera out at arm's length and blindly snap away. It's not like I was going to get any closer than I had to.
You probably can't tell from the photo, but that snake was as big as a house. The White House, in fact. It was HUGE. And by HUGE I mean it was probably two feet long. SHUT UP. It's not like any of you volunteered to rush out to my house and rescue me from the snake!
(An aside -- all the twitter people who suggested that I forget the net and get a gun instead? +1 for you. I like how you think.)
I battled and fought and wrestled with that snake until it FINALLY went into the net (or it slithered in on its own free will...I'm not telling).
And then I escorted that SOB to the field behind our house before setting it free.
So, uh, don't walk back there. There's a snake in there somewhere.
Because I know you're curious, let me just show you how helpful the dogs were throughout the whole situation.
They were hiding under the bush we call the "Tick Bush" because (this reasoning is going to shock and amaze you) ... it attracts ticks. I personally like how Penny was rolling around under the bush, so as to be sure to pick up as many ticks as possible. alsdkfja;lksdjf.
As for the frogs whose lives I saved?
The ungrateful little snots didn't so much as twitch the whole time. No panic. No gratitude when I saved them. NOTHING.
Those damn frogs better spend the night spelling out, "Thank You, Michelle" with diamonds and gold in our yard tonight. They owe me AT LEAST that much.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Reader Comments (20)
I HATE snakes. That was hysterical.
I'm not sure I can ever come visit you again, knowing that there is a friendly little snake (who knows the perfect sunning & snack spot now) living RIGHT THERE!
You're about five hundred times more brave than I am.
When I was little, I used to have terrible recurring nightmares about me getting trapped between snakes... Since then I have a MAJOR phobia of snakes... I CANNOT EVEN WATCH SNAKES ON THE TELEVISION! This pic is making me extremely uncomfortable. And seeing a snake in real makes me go absolutely numb and blue with fear...
So in my eyes, you are a superhero! More powerful than superman, batman, spiderman and the Mask!
OMG! You are braver than I am. I HATE snakes.....I would have went running back into the house until my husband got home. Ok, now I'm all freaked out a snake will be waiting for me when I get home!
I'm not really afraid of snakes (non-poisonous ones, anyway). I've been known to pick up a garter snake or two. But years ago, my friends and I were walking through a field on our way to a fishing pond and we stopped to talk and I felt something on my foot. A HUGE black snake was slithering over it and just as I went to kick him off, HE BIT ME! Right on the shin and it hurt like hell.
Ohhhh! I get the shivers just seeing your photos!
I've had three major snake incidents in my life of which have me terrified of them. The most horrible was when a snake fell from a ceiling vent onto me while I was sitting on the love seat in my living room. My husband was a great help as he screamed, "OMG A SNAKE!" Uhm, YES!!! Note: We moved from that house the next day!
Not that you ask for information but I'll share anyway...regarding the ticks... We were picking at least 10 ticks a day off of Mojo, our yellow lab. We were using Frontline which killed them after they bit her but they still got on her. I had enough and called our Vet. They recommended and provided Vectra as a flea and tick repellent. And it works! It's been three weeks since we've used it and I've not found one single tick thus far.
Aack!
As I was reading, I thought it was going to end up being an old garden hose or just an 8" garter snake but HOLY HECK that is a real (Aack!) snake!
ICK.
I hate to say this, but how long before you think it comes back?!?
Heh - the dogs...
I don't think I could have done what you did. Not even close. I would have went in the house to get my indoor attack cat to attempt to scare it away... Regardless, that post had me cracking up! Thanks for sharing!
That freaking snake was wigging me out and it was just a picture. I'm still twitching from it. I don't think I would have hung round. I would have headed for the house and let husband deal with it.
There is no possible way I'd be able to maintain my composure if that were in my backyard. No effin' way.
Cracked me up! Went to pick up a fallen branch by the porch last summer, 11pmish......freaking 8 foot rat snake.........at least MY dog barked to warn me. :) OK, now WHO is going to erase the image of the snake falling out of the ceiling?!??!?!??
Husband and I spent several weekends before spring clearing brush and vines from the backyard fence. The weather turned unnaturally warm right after that. I suspect that we took away the snakes brushy vine homes and they declared war. We had 5 snakes in 8 days in our backyard. Our neighbors had to be worried for weeks afterwards because everytime we took the dogs outside, we carried a shotgun. I'm not as nice as you. All of my snakes were dispatched. Forget having a moment of silence. I ran around screaming for joy everytime I shot one.
I saw the twitter pictures and the damn thing looked huge! You are a much braver person than I! I would have screamed & run in the house and locked the door. Frogs be damned !
I woulda sacrificed the frogs. I also would have gone inside (with dogs and small children), loaded a shotgun and waited until someone else came to rescue me. With the door locked. Probably under the covers in the fetal position.
I once saw a snake while mowing our yard as a child (my dad preferred child labor to doing any actual work himself). I freaked the frickety frack out. Told him HE had to finish BUT my dad's an ass and made me do it. I ran the S.O.B. (the snake, not my dad) over with the mower - approximately eleventy bajillion times. Bit of snake everywhere. It was my brothers' job to rake. Heh.
Here's the difference between your fear of snakes and my fear of snakes. You were able to take pictures. I would have run so fast I would have been a blur. Just looking at your pictures gave me the heebie-jeebies.
I think I hate snakes more than empty, bloody tooth sockets. Actually, i am sure of it. Go you.
Love! Perfect capturing of the crazy - this is one of my favorite posts in a long time. (And your readership just expanded by an office-worth because everyone asked what was so funny.)
One more thing - that snake-in-the-net photo doesn't do it justice. The snake was a gazillion times bigger than that. You must have been using your -25 pounds lens or something.
My husband and I were doing yardwork and my 2-year-old-at-the-time daughter was nebbing through some rocks and dirt and picking flowers in a different part of the yard. She came running over happily declaring 'Look! a worm!' Looked at the worm - 'Oh that's a cute....' Then it flicked it's tongue out. It was a baby snake. Told her to put the worm carefully back so it can go home to it's mommy....and maybe let's leave the 'worms' alone for a while.....
Living in a more rural area, snakes aren't that frowned upon here - they keep the rodent numbers down - I think mice etc are more repulsive (oh the germs, the droppings, the scampering in the walls!). What skeeves me out? Those ticks your talking about....gross. I don't have dogs but I do have to check my kids when they come in from playing....
You have no need to worry any more. Your snake slithered a few miles and decided MY yard looked nice. I mean, there can't be 2 snakes that look like that and are as big as the white hous, right?
I hate snakes..but if I see them first....and by first I mean they are 20 feet away and have a sign on them that says Nonpoisonous... And they are going the other way.....I am good. Well, kind of.
Wait, the husband tried to catch him to return him to your field....and since he couldn't find him we decided he mustnhave slithered over there in his own. Please don't send m back.
I read the title of your post in my Google Reader and like a chump, I clicked on the link to read the damn thing. As I was waiting for your page to load, I thought to myself, "Me either, so let's not post any pictures of them, mmk?" And damn if you didn't just go right ahead and post them anyway. Eeek!!
I hate snakes. I can't stand to even see pictures of them. I can't even stand animated snakes. I watched the old Anne Hathaway movie Ella Enchanted with my hand in front of my face most of the time just to blot out the CGI snake!
So clearly you're a better man than I because I would have run back in the house put towels under all the doors and waited for my husband to come home and take care of the situation. Frogs be damned!