In The Path of Hurricane Deen
"Mom, who's talking like a crazy person on the radio?" Alexis asked as we drove to camp.
"That's Paula Deen, dear," I answered. Portions of Paula Deen's Today Show interview were being played. If you place yourself in the shoes of a 7-year old, it was crazy talk.
"Mom, she blamed other people for what she did!" Alexis tattled. We have recently been on a bender where I frequently point out that I don't really care if Cassie, Ashton, Isabella, Heather, Emma, Ella, George, Ringo, Fred, Fred's sister, Fred's cousin, and Fred's car all did something before Alexis did. It's not an excuse.
It was an astute observation, no doubt. I'm not sure that all grown-ups caught that her statement about how anyone who had never made a similar mistake should throw stones at her really was exactly that. She was saying that what she did was OK because everybody does stuff that is wrong.
"What did she do, anyway?" Alexis asked. It seemed I wasn't going to manage to avoid that which I really wanted to avoid, so I took a deep breath and began to explain. I explained that she used a word that is very not nice, not even a grown-up word, but rather a word that no one should ever use. We talked about how the meaning of words are in people, not in the words themselves. You can look up a dictionary definition of something, but that won't tell you how a word makes each person you encounter feel.
I used the example of the word "dog." I pointed out how some people think of big dogs and other people small dogs. We discussed how some people are scared of dogs, while others love them. The word "dog" has different powers depending on who hears it, so we have to be mindful of other people's feelings when we choose our words.
And THAT particular word is a word that can cut some people to their core. It's such a horribly powerful word that I don't think I've ever said it out loud -- I don't think I can. It just feels wrong to say something that I know is hurtful.
Alexis asked for specifics about the word. When I found myself completely unable to just say it, I instead decided to explain its history. We've talked before about slavery and race discrimination, so she had the general concept. She was thinking about it in a new context.
"So, it was OK to say that word a long time ago?" she asked.
"Not really," I replied. "There have always been people who have known it's not OK to treat people differently based on the color of their skin."
"Abraham Lincoln probably didn't use that word," Alexis reported. I told her he might have, but that he probably didn't mean it as an insult because he knew slavery wasn't OK. We talked history some more and then a little more after that and by the end of it all, I was once again reminded how very incredibly stupid racial discrimination sounds when you stop and simplify it for a child.
You have dark skin. You don't get to be treated like a human.
It's ludicrous, really. Just plain stupid.
As I was thinking about how very horrible and dumb the whole thing was, Alexis drop-kicked my heart with a question. "Mom, does anyone in our family use that word?" she asked.
The answer is yes. Yes, there are people in our family who use that word. They're of another generation, but really, it's not a valid excuse. It is never OK for anyone anywhere to use that word. It is especially not OK to use it as an insult. Ever.
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A few hours later, the Supreme Court overturned DOMA.
In a few years, I expect to have a conversation with the ever-observant Alexis about how it's true that once upon a time, we did say you can't have the same rights as everyone else if you happen to be gay. When we have that conversation, the idea that people are discriminated against because of their sexual orientation is going to sound just as ludicrous as the concept of racial discrimination.
I hope. I hope it sounds ludicrous.
And soon.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Reader Comments (3)
I may definitely be missing something or not know the whole story, but I thought she said she said that word while having a gun held to her head during a robbery. I personally would probably say just about anything if I thought my life would be spared and hope that it would be understood by the public and/or my family what the circumstances were. Now, I realize that sounds like an excuse, but did she mean it in a malicious and hurtful way or did she think she was going to be killed? That's the part I don't understand and have been looking for clarification that I can't seem to find!!
Great post! You and Alexis get to the heart of the issue, here - that words have power, and we must think before we speak. I wrote a similar blog post, and was sad when I pinned it and so many people were responding condoning her behavior because everyone has said that, and it happened a long time ago. They completely missed the point. We must be vigilant and teach our children that words have power, good and bad.
the way you explained it to alexis was wonderful. it is a difficult situation to explain to a child and it sounds like you did i fine job. xoxo