It Was Five Feet Away on a Shelf All Along

Tuesday

Apr122016

Mila has fallen into a funk. It's a terrible, no good funk that has her unable to sleep unless she's physically touching me. She's like a koala bear stuck to a tree, except the tree is me and I have things to do after that little imp goes to bed.

WELP.

I figure with each night that passes, we move a little closer to her being the kid that has to have her mom carry her on stage to get her high school diploma. So that's my thing I'm looking forward to.

While I figure out how I'm going to hide myself under her gown on graduation day, I've been dealing by putting Mila to bed in her crib and then promptly retrieving her ten minutes later when she realizes I tried to trick her. She then immediately falls to sleep while clinging to me on the couch.

A while later, this happens.

Is there any problem that can't be solved with the help of Friends? I think not.

A few nights ago I did the Hug 'n Roll and found myself completely free from the confines of the tiny koala. She softly snored, even though she wasn't touching me.

FREEDOM!

With my glorious late night freedom, I found myself too scared to move Mila to her crib, but perfectly willing to get a few things done. I scrubbed a counter, picked up some toys, and got a lot of work done. Before I knew it, I found myself looking at the little hand and the big hand pointing at 12. I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, so I went to grab my phone and sleeping Mila so I could sneak upstairs to bed.

Except that I couldn't find my phone.

I knew I had it when I was sitting with Mila. But ... then what? I tried retracing my steps. The phone was nowhere that I usually place it. I considered using an actual alarm clock as my alarm clock instead of my usual phone, but my alarm clock doesn't let me set 5 different wake up times. I can't be trusted with a snooze button. I need separate alarms. IT'S A THING.

I searched some more.

Eventually I grabbed the house phone (yes, we still have one of those things) and tried calling my cell. It's always on silent, but I figured I would hear it vibrating.

And I did.

And Mila stirred.

It was a muffled sort of vibrating. I was instantly positive that Mila was sleeping on top of it. The phone must have been a casualty in the hug 'n roll.

I had no choice but to poke at the sleeping baby.

So I poked and I prodded and I tried to reach behind her to search under the couch cushions. One thing led to another and before I knew it, the couch cushions were on the floor while Mila slept on the torn apart couch.

And then she caught me. She slowly sat up, glaring with all of the power of pissery she could muster. Mila glared and she snarled and she very clearly mouthed DOUBLE-YOU-TEE-EFF-WOMAN before she started screaming at me.

I do not recommend angering a toddler after midnight. It's worse than feeding Gizmo after midnight.