It's Been A Long Time Since I Last Mentioned Smurf Testicles
It wasn't my idea, but I did think it was a good one. When Alexis' grandma called to ask if she would like a pottery kit for Christmas, of course I said yes. It sounded like the exact sort of project we like to work on during the week.
I. Am. An. IDIOT.
Evidence:
1. When the directions said "Start with a softball-sized piece of clay" they really meant "Picture a Smurf. Picture the size softball a Smurf would throw at Gargamel. Divide that by two, subtract a Smurf testicle, add in a Smurfette brain, and then you'll have the right amount of clay."
1a. If you don't know who Gargamel is, GET OFF MY LAWN.
2. The girl on the box? She's a liar and a cheat. By the time I got around to spinning the pottery wheel thingy (technical term), there was no smiling. There was no pristine clothing. There was no neat, clean pottery wheel. There was clay on the ceiling, clay on the floor, clay all over me, and DEFINITELY NO SMILING. Even Alexis was all, "Uh, this can't be right."
3. Despite the fact that I was covered in clay and looked more like Demi Moore than I ever have in my entire life, the ghost of Patrick Swayze did not materialize in my kitchen. NOT FAIR.
4. While I was busy looking for Patrick Swayze, Alexis gave up on the pottery making chaos. She decided she would rather color than spend another second with me. She might have mentioned something about "crazy" and "dirty." I'm not entirely sure; I was busy looking for Patrick.
5. Two hours, two Smurf-softballs-halved-minus-a-testicle-plus-a-Smurfette-brain-sized clumps of clay, half a roll of paper towels, and a partridge in a pear tree later, all I had to show for my efforts was this:
That doesn't seem right.
6. SHE IS A LIAR:
The smirk mocks me. The sparkling white apron mocks me. The perfectly shaped pot mocks me.
I'm going to spend the entire weekend trying this little pottery project all over again. Either I'll wind up with a masterpiece, or I'll figure out a way to wipe the smirk off that kid's face.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Reader Comments (15)
Oh, my you were telling the truth about it being a bit messy. I love the look on Alexis' face. Can't wait to see how the second attempt turns out. Maybe Patrick will show up this time and give you a hand.
If you see Whoopi Goldberg on your front porch, don't open the door.
Jules received the same thing one year for Christmas. We has the exact same experience. We had better luck with softer clay. And I think Gargemel might show up at your door with a gleam in his eye and a scalpel. Be careful. I hear he's charming.
Ah, Gargamel. He probably had a hand in the invention of that there box of wrong.
oh i will stay on your lawn since i know exactly who gargamel is! (and his damn cat azrael, too.)
This really cracks me up, because when I was an art major we were forced to take a class that involved using a pottery wheel almost daily. An entire semester later, I still didn't have a nice pot to show for it. I would spend HOURS every Saturday morning trying to throw the perfect pot. Then, I would meet my roommate for lunch at the cafeteria, covered head to foot in clay.
During high school I volunteered at a nursing home a few times a week and worked two different jobs there: 1) waitress in the dining room and 2) "whatever" in the pottery shop they had to raise funds to run the nursing home. In addition to doing heavy lifting, stock, dealing with the kilns, etc. I did assist in making pottery.
The wheel? Is pure torture.
If you don't have the clay just wet enough. If you don't have your blob just perfectly balanced and centered. If you have the tiniest muscle spasm. You will end up with something that looks like that. And it throws claymud everywhere.
And that's before you get to the horrors of the kiln (if there is a tiny bubble or imperfection? your pot explodes).
I am NOT a mother you will find at the Claytime Cafe. I already know that activity is the opposite of fun.
hehe, that pretty much sums up every first day in a pottery class first time throwing a pot... It takes a lot of practice, and it becomes really relaxing if you don't care about actually creating the pots. One of the most important things is getting rid of air bubbles before moving to the wheel, and make sure no lumps or debris in the clay. The more consistent the clay, the easier it is to throw. I loved my ceramics classes up at Slippery Rock University, the professor was kind of an ass at times, but he knew his stuff and taught it well.
What a shame, that sounded like it would be fun.
I guess the maid kit would have been a better option, lol.
My friend is a potter, and she said all of those "DIY" pottery wheels are crap - even SHE can't get pots to throw right on them!
I love the concept of art-based toys. I hate the execution of art-based toys.
Just the thought of busting that out makes my head hurt! The mess, the lack of perfection, the mess . . . OMG. We will stick to the Lite-Brite!
I feel exactly the same way about Flora's new Easy Bake Oven.
Great. Now all I can hear is "I'M HEN-E-RY THE EIGHTH I AM..."
(You started it.)
(I came to this post because of Jenna @firemom)
My daughter Amelia LOVES art. She LOVES art projects. It is one of the things she has to work at in school because she only wants to do the art centers. But she HATED this. She played with it for about 5 minutes then walked away. She has not asked to get it again.