Knocking A Little Dust Off That Skeleton
I didn't intend to follow-up on the previous post any time soon, but there is one thing I feel needs to be clarified sooner rather than later . . . it wasn't her choice.
It's hard to imagine, but if you read the comments on the post where I discussed my mother giving a child up for adoption and never once mentioning it, you'll see proof -- it was common practice in the days before Roe vs. Wade. I don't know anything about statistics or causation, I just know that for as much as society has always preached "adoption is an option," we certainly don't manage to create an atmosphere that makes that an easy thing. It's better now to some extent, but in 1970, it was far from OK for a 19-year old to get pregnant out of wedlock. Giving that child up made the woman a pariah.
It wasn't OK to get pregnant.
It most certainly wasn't OK to have a baby out of wedlock.
And yet it wasn't OK to give the child up for adoption.
While the father was redeployed to another Air Force Base and continued his life without any knowledge of the situation (He wasn't listed on the birth certificate nor was he notified at all--which, the hell? That ridiculousness still happens.), her parents forced her to carry on with the pregnancy until it became too hard to conceal. Then they sent her to live at the YWCA. She waited there for the baby that she would never know. She gave birth and then returned home the very next day, with shame and societal demands and the orders of her parents weighing heavy on her soul. She had to act as if nothing had happened.
Just a little vacation out of town. No big deal. Not even her little brother knew where she had really been those few months.
And it happened all of the time.
So I have no anger towards her for giving up her first-born, nor for keeping it a secret. I have pity for her because it's what was demanded of her. At some point she should have broken free of those chains, but by the time she reached that point, she was already broken.
Society broke her.
The ways we judge women for how they handle the consequences of their decisions is appalling. Still. While things have improved, there's a long way left to go.
I can only hope the improvements continue. Our sons and daughters deserve better.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Reader Comments (14)
This attitude was taught to me in Catholic school as a way of scaring me into abstinence. We were told that having an abortion was a sin and we would go to hell. We couldn't relinquish the child for adoption because that would be shirking our responsibilities and we would go to hell. Our only choice would be to keep the child and THAT would surely ruin both the mother's life and the life of the baby. Thus, the only sane choice was not to have sex at all because the consequences of having sex were clearly deadly - if not in this life, then the next.
To say it warped my view of sex for awhile is an understatement.
I feel for your Mother. I cannot imagine being forced to give up a child and having no say in the matter. That is a wound from which you never really heal.
As someone who had a child at a very young age myself, what your mom did was a very brave thing. Yes, yes she was forced into it...but ultimately, keeping it to herself all those years...had to be extremely hard. I explored the adoption avenue and could not do it. I can not imagine being forced to do it against my will, society be damned. And to keep such a thing from my family...I know there are good reasons to do so but sheesh...another hard decision to make and carry out. I am glad you are not angry.
I got pregnant way too young, but was able to make a choice on my own...nobody was able to force me to do one thing or another. I opted to keep my child, and had family to help me do so. (I also went to a private Catholic high school...imaging carrying a baby to term there while continuing your education! and I did...was not forced to go to any special school or anything...graduated on time too.) Today she is a happy, healthy 20 year old who grew up in a decent home. My other kids have kind of been doing the math and starting to ask questions here and there, and I do not hold back in my answers on the hope they can learn from my mistakes. I could not imagine trying to conceal something like that, but then again it is hard to do when it is in front of your face. I am thankful I had a choice, and I feel sad for those who did not or do not. My husband is adopted and we do wonder sometimes if his birth mother wad forced to give up her child regardless of her own feelings . A question which more than likely will never get an answer...and that is fine with him. (we know she was 14, so I would assume yes...). But still something that crosses the mind from time to time....
All I have to say is wow. Your past 2 posts have made me teary, and then I read that letter, and am all choked up. Alexis is lucky to have such a strong mother.
As someone who got pregnant at 18, I am very glad that I had the right to decide that I wanted to raise my child on my own. (My parents attempted to threaten/force me into an abortion/adoption, but I said "No" and held my ground)
Your mother was a very strong person despite everything else. I cannot imagine the strength it must take to survive being forced to give up your own child and just act as if nothing had happened.
The thing that scares me though? Is that there are STILL places like that around (here in the US) that young girls can go off to when they end up 'in the family way' that are VERY similar to those old pre-Roe v. Wade maternity homes. *shudder*
You are totally right though- our children deserve better. *nods*
My MIL was 17 and forced to give her baby up. She was sent away from Pgh to Florida to a home for unwed mothers where she had the baby, held him for a few minutes, then like your mother had to go home and pretend nothing happened. Her mother never allowed her to speak of it again (at least in her presence). Her father wasn't sure what to say but at least tried to offer a little comfort once or twice when her mother wasn't around. Her other children were surprised later in life when her oldest son found her and she explained it all to them but I don't think they were particularly angry. It was the way things were. Sad but true.
Oh and Alexis looks like a little model in that shot!
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler is an amazing, heartbreaking book on this subject. I read it months ago and I still think back on it often.
I have no experience with this issue, and therefore should maybe keep my mouth shut, but I did want to comment on the other post. You said "Her whole life was a lie". Her whole life wasn't a lie. She kept a secret for a large part of her life, but that doesn't make her whole life a lie.
My maternal grandmother died in childbirth when my mom was only two years old. A wonderful couple who had no children of their own took my mother in years later and eventually became my 'grandparents'. When my grandmother passed away in 1998, in her early 90's, I had become responsible for her finances and such matters and we were very close. She impressed upon me that her obituary be very, very brief and name little family, other that those that she chose. I did not know why till afterwards - when my mom told me that my grandmother had worn the scarlet letter of "bastard child" her entire life. She was a warm, loving, giving grandmother to me - yet she never felt that she overcame the label of having been conceived out of wedlock. She was harmed by that label and suffered with it her entire life. She was born in the early days of the 20th century....our world has changed dramatically, hopefully for the better.
thank you for the clarification.
yesterday i felt such sorrow for your mom parting with her son and the guilt / shame that probably came with the action, but couldn't grasp why you would say her ENTIRE life was a lie. when i was way too young i had an abortion and while i don't talk about it often, it is something i have to deal with, quite literally, every day. i don't consider my entire life a lie because i don't talk about it, but it most certainly happened. shame and guilt are terrible things that can eat away at a person and your mom not sharing her far from proud moment with a child is totally understandable to me. i can also completely understand her doing everything possible to survive (mental breakdowns are terrifying) so her not talking even to her own brother about what she experienced makes it so easy for me to nod my head and think, "i get that."
this is not coming out right. i am rambling. sorry. i'm just going to go and say a prayer that we all remember to be patient with each other for we sure as hell doing know what they burdens they are carrying around with them.
oh my fuck, that last sentence i wrote is a mess! how about,
i'm just going to go and say a prayer that we all remember to be patient with each other for we sure as hell don't know what burdens they are carrying around with them.
I can't even imagine what that would be like. To never be allowed to talk about giving birth, never allowed to talk about watching your child be taken away, never allowed to talk about the son you know is out there somewhere. She must have felt extremely alone in the world.
As a person who had a baby at age 19, I can sympathize/empathize with how you feel. Though I knew I had options, I now know that getting pregnant with my daughter saved my life. I had what your mom did not have: very supportive and loving parents. My mom was (and obviously still is) the most amazing mother. She told me it was my choice from the beginning and supported my choice to keep her through thick and thin. I know that couldn't have been easy, being as uber-catholic as she is, but she said it and meant it. She saw the long and extremely difficult road that I had ahead of me and showed me the way. My dad took some time to come around, but that little girl was a turning point in his life as well.
I found myself alone and pregnant about 4 months into my pregnancy. Except, I wasn't alone. I had my parents and my family, and that was all I needed. If I hadn't had them, I don't know where I would be to this day.
I always say that of the 3 great things to happen to me in life, she is definitely the "First best thing" (2nd twins, 3rd husband). She brought me out of a very dark place to see that though the world would see me as a single mother, I was her mother, and for that, she loves me.
Thanks for making me cry 2 days in a row. I owe you one. Sheesh.
I'm glad that today society is kinder to unwed mothers. My heart breaks for your mother and the hurt she must have endured for so long.