Look For The Shadows
The woman with the disheveled blond hair shuffled her phone from one ear to the other, carefully balancing an arm filled with found treasures. Was she in line? Was she still shopping? I wasn't sure until her words cut through the store.
"I'm at Marshall's. They have tons of cords," she said.
I couldn't hear the other end of the conversation, but it became clear quickly that someone needs a new iPhone cord. The woman wasn't sure which one to buy. As she asked questions to try to solve the mystery, she grew increasingly frustrated. Finally, she said, "Fine. Then I guess I just won't worry about it."
She sounded defeated. Sad, even. I can't pretend to know everything, but I'm relatively certain she was trying very hard to help, but her help wasn't appreciated. She seemed depressed and broken about the situation, but also not surprised.
As she hung up the phone, she turned to me. "Enjoy it," she said. "Enjoy every second. I would give anything to go back to the baby years."
I hear that often. I'm not sure why exactly, but it seems that if I'm in public with just the youngest of the two girls, there is a some sort of sign over my head that says, "TALK TO ME! TELL ME TO APPRECIATE IT ALL!"
This time it was likely triggered by a combination of two things -- the woman's frustration with her own daughter and Mila's behavior. Mila has had an interesting week, and by "interesting" I mean OMG SO TODDLER. At that very moment she was trying to push me away while saying "No no no no" but also throwing herself to the ground wailing "Up up up!" if I tried to put her down. She wants it all, but none of it, and everything in between.
I suppose in the woman's mind, dealing with a tempermental toddler seemed like a cake walk compared to dealing with a tempermental teenager.
And in some ways, it is, but only if you focus on the shadows.
The first few months of motherhood are filled with panic and sleepless nights and general worry about all of the things you're doing wrong. But if you look in the shadows, the part that's left behind once you move on to the next phase, you see the cuddles and snores and smooshiness and bright-eyed wonder.
The toddler years are temper tantrums and unreasonable demands and sleepless nights and did I mention the temper tantrums? HOOBOY. But the shadows? Man, the shadows are filled with things like this.
The elementary school years become less about your child and more about other children. Bullying and teasing, fitting in but being original, homework and is my kid on track academically? and all of the struggles. Lurking behind is independence and amazing conversations and these amazing little people who do big things.
It keeps going. With every age, there are new challenges. But with every age, there are new treasures to find in the shadows.
I wish I had told her. I wish I had told the woman to look at the shadows. Even more so, I wish I had told her that she can see the shadows of now if only she looks for them. They're there, hiding behind that temper tantrum.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Reader Comments (4)
You're smart. Really smart. I'm glad to have you as a friend.
It helps to be the aunt in my case. I live in the shadows. I remember all the funny and cute things they did when they were little. Do you remember.... Is one of my favorite conversation starters. The kids get embarrassed. The Dad just smiles and I get to be the keeper of the shadows. Thank you for reminding me.
Because I have a teenager and can completely relate to the woman in the store I will tell you that this is the best thing, for me, that you have ever written. Thank you....I am going to spend more time looking in the shadows. Hopefully, when I do I will enjoy my teenager more and think less about how much I miss the time when he was young.
Okay, I have a special loathing for people who say that to me. They didn't enjoy those hard moments when their kids were young, either. No one enjoys getting woken up again and again in the middle of the night, or wiping bums, or any other small-child related tasks. Yes, every age has its challenges and they grow in complexity as the child ages. But telling me to enjoy every minute in this context is just serving me a heaping plate of guilt topped with a little "just you wait".