Nothing. Nothing is Wrong.
The words cut through the sound-muffling glass. "How did you get the bump on your head?" Alexis' dance teacher asked in a concerned voice.
The sentence hung in the air as I waited for Alexis' response. As expected, she sat dumbfounded, unsure what the question meant. She shrugged her little shoulders, making her loopy curls bounce up and down, before saying, "There's no bump on my head."
In that moment, I remembered there actually WAS a little scratch on the kid's forehead. It was a tiny little scab, probably a penance for Alexis' zombie-like sleeping habits. Of course she didn't know it was there, because she likely didn't remember that she had scratched herself in the middle of the night as she flailed around searching for brains or whatever it is that she searches for when she's not really sleeping. I had noticed the little mark the morning before, but thought nothing of it until that moment. Just then, it was like a little arrow pointing to her birthmark, blurring the line between injury and fate. That which had been previously unseen was now prominently featured.
The dance teacher persisted, clearly not realizing that seriously, the kid has absolutely no knowledge of the remaining hints of a hemangioma. Every few months someone will ask about it. Every few months Alexis will act like it's the first time anybody has ever spoken English to her. In what is obviously an indication of her priorities, she remembers every line to every episode of Hannah Montana she has ever seen, where I parked when we went to the mall last year, and what she was wearing that time Ethan jumped in the puddle. She does not remember that there is a small maze of strawberry-colored lines and dots on her forehead.
The teacher eventually accepted Alexis' confusion and moved on to a new topic of discussion, even as I pondered how I should equip Alexis to be more prepared for the issue in the future. Teach her to say, "It's a hemangioma?" in a condescending tone? Instruct her to ask, "What is THAT on YOUR face?" Or just let her keep on acting like a confused little girl, knowing full well that the hemangioma is so very close to being completely gone? It is just a matter of time, really, before it won't be an issue anymore.
Of course, you know, people could just stop asking my kid what is wrong with her forehead.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Reader Comments (21)
I got "Did you drop your baby?" and "Oh my, what a big boo-boo". Of course I also get "Are they identical?", adding to my lack of faith in the state of humanity and our school system.
But in all seriousness, thank you for writing about this, esp long ago, for when it showed up on K's head I immediately knew not to worry- if Alexis could deal with it than so could I. They are so common anymore....
I have probably been guilty of this sort of question. However, I would like to think that I am perceptive enough to understand when not to push the issue. I imagine the fact that it is nearly gone, all but a few lines and dots, makes it more confusing for those not in the know. When she gets older, she will likely have very little recollection of this time and the rude questions will be no more than a dreamlike memory.
My daughter has one on her thigh. It's almost gone now, but for the first year of her life, every time my parents would visit, which was often, they'd ask, "How'd she get that bruise on her leg?". And every time, I had to explain what it was all over again.
My baby has one, too! The only people who ever ask about it are little kids saying, "What is that thing on her head?" Oh well. I agree with the fact that it will go away and she won't remember having had it.
People are so dumb. Makes me MAD.
I instruct my boy to tell them, "It is my angel kiss." When they act confused he then tells them it is his birth mark.
My two oldest had fairly bright "stork bites" on their foreheads and back of their heads and they lasted until they were about three years old. People would comment all the time. I was so annoying! My Tommy has a hemangioma too and is actually sad that it is fading. He likes his angel kiss.
The chicken had a huge one on the back of her head, once her hair filled in it wasn't as bad but I would always get asked if I dropped my baby and was I sure that I didn't drop her because it is 'really okay' "lots of people do it"
UGH.
Thanks for writing this. I had one on my forehead too, almost exactly where Alexis' is. Telling people it was a birth mark seemed to help since telling them it was a hemangioma only led to more questions that I didn't know the correct answers for as a kid. And most of the times, when I called it a birth mark, it led into a discussion among friends about where their birth marks were and nothing more was ever said. It did go away but since my parents never made a big deal about it then I never thought anything was wrong with having it.
At least I'm not the only parent who has lost patience with people asking about them. That makes me feel better. :-)
Genny has this enormous scar on her leg (i swear it's actually growing with her leg) that came from abuse she endured before we adopted her. Every time she is in a dress or shorts- someone radars in on it and decides that surely- this child- wants to have a discussion about it...
and sometimes it's almost as though they are digging for some full out confession of our abuses... or maybe that's just my insecurity talking. At any rate- i'm wondering where tact comes in? I know the teacher was just concerned, but seriously?
Actually, letting Alexis de emphasis it--by being totally oblivious--is a fantastic way to deal with it. SHE doesn't notice it, so why should anyone else? And that's exactly the way life should be!
My sister has "Fred" her wrist hemangioma. When she was born (and I think I've mentioned this before) the doctors said "Now I have to tell you, she has this mark on her wrist" and my mother said "Is it cancer? Does it hurt?" and they said "Oh no, it's harmless" and she said "Ok, I don't care then"
Anyways, we named him Fred. He's barely there anymore. he was pretty big and now he's just faded to a little bit of redness. RIP Fred!
@Misty--That is EXACTLY why I don't think it's safe to ever ask anyone about scars or bruises or such, unless it's a close friend and you're concerned. That's absolutely awful that Genny would have to have that sort of reminder. :-(
I'd actually say that it's a good thing that people ask her. While I wouldn't accuse you of being an abuser, indeed, you seem like a wonderful mother, abuse can happens in what looks like the best of families from the outside. While I understand your concern about people's question's affecting Alexis' self-esteem, I'm glad that people ask, because lots of children die every year because no one did.
It's a shame. She could use it to get such reactions out of people. "My mom just keeps SLAPPING me and I don't know what I DID!" or "It's from my football helmet." Or "I fell out of the top of a tree onto a rampaging elephant and then I bounced off the ground when the elephant sneezed." Sarcasm is a wonderful tool.
Our girls get asked a lot of questions - about their skin color, their hair, my percieved infertility, one child's eczema. I used to just try and ignore it. And then I went the "obvious answer" route and just answered it honestly. Now, I ask "why are you asking?" It puts the question back on them, makes them think about why they are asking and if they are asking the question out of concern then I can say "there is nothing to worry about." Sometimes people ask questions ebcause their child/grandchild/etc. has it and then I try to be polite. But I am super DONE with nosey questions.
I have a huge port wine stain on the right side of my neck and a smaller on on my collar bone. When I was growing up I got asked DAILY from STRANGERS what had happened. I will always remember a checker at the market saying, "It looks like you got slammed into a chain-link fence!" As I got older, people asked if it was a hickey. Some guys would say, "I wish I had gotten there first!"
I never cared. I defiantly cut my hair short over and over again, inviting more questions. I was always amazed and appalled that strangers would ask, "Did you BURN yourself? Is that a RASH? What IS THAT?" My mom told me when I was very little how lucky I was to have it. That it meant I was special. And that so many kids had it so much worse.
I've gotten it lasered three times, but it's still there. And I only got it done because of my profession and how long it takes to cover up.
It's always been a part of me that I wear like a badge of honor. I'm not going to laser it any more because I don't want it completely gone. And I am always blown away by people's brazenness. But I always answer sweetly, "It's a birthmark."
Yesterday, a three-year-old in G's class asked what it was because I was wearing my hair in a pony tail. I told her and she seemed fascinated. That's about the age that I completely understand someone asking.
@Cori--As a victim of child abuse, I see your point, but people don't ask about things that are suspicious, especially in front of a parent. They ask about things that seem like they might have a fun story. I think they do it as a way to start conversation, but it's a bad idea.
I know all too well what it is like to feel the insecurity that comes with a scar or mark. I was only 5 when an accident left me with third degree burns on my neck, arm and back. I couldn't wear a swimsuit without a tshirt over top (due to the sun, not insecurity) and had to wear a compression jacket for years. Any time that someone would notice the jacket peeking out from under my clothes or the scar if I wasn't wearing the jacket, I could feel myself melting all over again. To say I was insecure would be an understatement. The scars made me feel like a freak for years.
In my adolescence my pediatrician told me that I could get plastic surgery to improve it but not until I was 18 and I had a chance to grow and stretch the scars. By the time 18 rolled around, I practically forgot about them. Funny, they are still there, but no one dares ask an adult about something like that. I guess people think asking a kid is fair game but know better than to ask an adult.
Alexis is lucky. The mark will fade away, likely before she can be too scarred by the comments. But, even if that's not the case, she'll end up accepting and appreciating that it is/was just part of her, especially since she has such positive influences in her life regarding beauty and self esteem.
I bet that gets really annoying. I don't even notice it.
Love the new look and the subtitle or whatever you call that.
I get the concern, but as tiny as that is now, what's the big deal? Kids get bumps and bruises ALL THE TIME.
And then you have a 7 year old who can't talk, and people question that. Or stare at him like he's a monster because he's loud in what he thinks is speech.
People suck.
Chicken had a stork bite on his forehead and right eye when he was a baby. It's faded now and almost not there but when he was a baby it was dark and big. I remember people asking all the time if his eye was sore or saying "what is that on his face"? I hated it! I remember thinking "who would say something like that". I'm glad Alexis has no idea about other's ignorance! But, she's got such rock hard self-esteem that I bet it wouldn't even phase her! Which, really? Speaks to what a great mom you are.
Just for curosity sake though, what is hemangioma? I've never heard of it.