Picking Brains Over Beauty
It first crossed my mind after I read this article on Huff Post (found via @nuckingfutsmama). It's a worthwhile read if you spend any sort of time around little girls. But, just in case you can't go read it now, the article that talks about how we inadavertently teach little girls that appearance is more important than intelligence. It discusses our cultural inclination to emphasize good looks and how we start doing it when little girls are tiny. We do things like greet them with, "Look how cute you are!" and "You look so pretty in that dress!"
I am absolutely guilty of saying those sorts of things to Alexis. I hadn't realized it, but I was saying some of the very things that cause girls to do what I did as a kid--I used to pretend to be much dumber than I was in hopes of my peers accepting me. I thought appearances mattered much more than I should have, so things like having to wear KMart clothes to school crushed me. I wanted to be dumb and pretty.
It took me 25 years to get my head on straight with that sort of stuff. I don't want that to happen to Alexis.
So, I have made some changes in how I interact with her and with the things I say to her. I'm working extra hard to model positive behavior. I have no clue if it's working or if it will matter in the long-run, but I'm trying. That's about as much as I can do right now.
In the meantime, I wondered where Alexis was in terms of some of the statistics listed in the article. In particular, I was saddened to learn that 25% of young women would rather be on America's Next Top Model than win a Nobel Peace Prize. I was even more saddened to learn that nearly half of 3 to 6-year olds worry about being fat. I figured the only way to find out if Alexis has her priorities straight was to ask her.
So, I asked her a series of questions. I didn't prep her in any way--I just asked her if I could "interview her" for a few minutes after we finished dinner. The original video is over five minutes long because HOOBOY did girlfriend love being interviewed, but I cut it down to post here. In the video, I ask her:
- Are you beautiful?
- Are you smart?
- If you could only be smart or beautiful, which one would you want to be?
- Are you fat?
- And a few other things.
Anyway, here's the video. It's completely unedited except that I'm only posting the first few minutes that we chatted.
I can't lie, I felt like doing victory laps around the yard after some of those answers. She's on the right track overall. We need to keep working on accepting that her curly hair is beautiful (seriously, she has the BEST hair--I hate that she doesn't realize it), but most of the rest of it? I pretty much want to scream, "YES! THAT'S MY KID!"
Yet, I have no idea how to keep her on the same path. She's about to enter the bigger world where classmates and teachers and society in general will have a chance to influence her much more than they have so far. I hope to ask her the same sorts of questions once per year or so just to see how her thinking evolves. I hope her answers stay essentially the same.
But I fear they won't.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Reader Comments (26)
This is something that's been on my mind a lot lately too (I read that article a while back) It is scary to think about sending them out into the world, wondering if we've equipped them with the right attitudes about this stuff. EEEK. GIRLS.
I try so hard to balance the "you are so pretty" "you are so sweet" comments that Sabrina gets from everyone with comments about her being smart and funny and creative. I worry about this. I remember wanting to be pretty and dumb. I purposefully didn't do well on a test for advanced placement in the 6th grade (we all knew what it was for even though they never said) because I wanted to stay with my friends in the regular classes - I didn't want to be different and smart. Fortunately, I managed to get over that by high school but I was lucky to figure it out then. I want both of my girls to know that pretty isn't what makes them special. There are just so many things set up to make it difficult.
And Alexis seems pretty awesome. For an evil genius. ;)
Looks like you're doing great with her. I hope you can keep it up despite societal influences. I hope I can too... I just hate that we even have to worry about it with our girls.
Yay Alexis! And yay Mama!
Seriously, you're doing a great job with her. It's a shame that more parents can't get on board with instilling these ideals that pretty and thin doesn't always bring you out on top. What a revolution that would be if our girls' generation could grow up without having to worry about any of that nonsense.
Good girl!!
I read that article a while back as and I well, freaked.
I grew up with family always commenting on my weight, making me feel fat, ugly and stupid pretty constantly, and when I had my daughter, I vowed to myself that she would know how beautiful, intelligent and awesome she is. I have been guilty of not focusing on making sure that she knows that she is the whole package.
I'm always saying to my daughter "you're so pretty" or "how'd you get so gorgeous?". But i do try to balance it with telling her how smart she is, and how proud I am of her. I think your interview idea is a good one. I know that some of her friends already worry about being fat, and they're only in grade two. I've asked her if she thinks she's fat, and every time, the answer is no. She also thinks she's just right:)
I am constantly catching myself with this. I find myself telling her she looks pretty or that she is beautiful (because - hello- she is), and it scares me. Even though I spend MORE time talking about being smart, working hard, being kids, etc, I never EVER want to put more focus on beauty. And of course - like you - it can be hard when other people are always talking about how cute or pretty she is. I have been known to speak up and tell that person how smart or how nice she is, too. I am totally asking Emily those same questions.
I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have a daughter and worry about these issues. You are doing a great job with her! As for the hair thing, I wonder if it's more that she loves her Mama's straight hair than truly not liking her hair? She clearly loves and adores you, so it's no shock that she would want to be exactly like you.
As far as keeping her on the right track, I think this interview was a great idea. I think you should keep doing them. She obviously enjoys it and it gives you an opportunity to ask her pointed questions in a setting that's fun for her. You guys will have some fun and you will know what's going on it that head of hers. Plus if she ever has anything negative to say you can make her watch the older videos so she can hear all the good things that she has said about herself in the past.
My parents must have done something right. I was oblivious to the whole 'pretty' thing until after high school. People were mean, I was made fun of, but I never had a thought like "I wish I was pretty". I do remember wishing I was smarter like a few other girls in my class. Then when I found out they did so well because they cheated, I was so happy it was silly.
I hope Alexis stays her awesome smart wonderful - self. Can I send her some dangly earrings? :)
How timely - my mom was visting with me and my 5-month old daughter and my mom kept telling her 'You're going to be Miss America someday'. Not to dis Miss America, but that's the LAST thing I want for Beatrice. My comment to my mom was 'Why can't she be a neurosurgeon or an engineer?'. She had no comment. I also catch myself praising my daughter by how she looks rather than how she acts, and I need to nip that in the bud now. I want my daughter to be smart and kind above pretty and thin.
I know! All of this stuff is so scary! I've been writing a lot about it, too. I asked my 4 year old some of these same questions, and she said the same things Alexis said. She wants to be really smart AND really pretty.
I have sons, so they rarely get comments about their clothes and no one says to them that they are cute or handsome. They say it to me, but instinctively know that my boys couldn't care LESS about being called handsome.
When I was little, my mom almost never commented on how I looked -- beyond getting dressed up for a special occasion. Because I was SO incredibly tiny for my age, I was called "cute" forever and she always told me not to let anyone dismiss me or treat me like an airhead because I was tiny and cute. Thanks to my mom's preparation and telling me, I didn't care much about looks and always wanted people to see me as smart, rather than pretty.
So, you're doing great! And, I think it's absolutely precious that Alexis wants earrings "like my mom" and hair "like my mom." You're so blessed!
I read the article a little while ago, too, and I KNOW I always comment to a child about something physical - looks, clothes, hat, shoes, whatever - but it just seems so much less personal and creepy to do that than to ask them what they're reading or something like that. If it's a child I'm getting to know or a friend of my child's I tend to ask those types of things. Like I commented to someone else - you can't see someone's PhD but you can see that she has awesome shoes.
When it comes to my own kids I make sure they know they're a whole package - cute, smart, funny, sensitive, etc. mainly because no one ever told me those things. I grew up in a family where self-deprecating humor was prevalent and that damaged my own self-esteem quite a bit (don't worry, I made up for it).
I also know that I had a lot of fun pitting "smart" vs. "pretty" when I lived the single life. If I was really interested in a guy I told him what I actually did for a living (analytical chemist) but if I had no interest I told him I was a stripper. "Exotic dancer" and the guy always - EVERY TIME - leaned closer. "Chemist" and he always - EVERY TIME - leaned away. My friends thought this was hilarious! True story. I ended up marrying someone I worked with so there was no need to fool with him - he knew I was smart and loved me anyways. I want my girls to know which is more important and why but that doesn't mean they can't be pretty, too.
So glad there was an example of a different icebreaker in that article! It's hard to think of something non-appearance-related on the spot sometimes. I was SHOCKED at how many of you stated you had at some point wished you were dumb. I guess my mom did something right there because I always felt embarrassed that I was only in Honors classes and not all AP. I did of course want to be pretty too, but not at the expense of my intelligence.
Sounds like Alexis has a great perspective. Great job, Michelle! And GREAT idea to do these videos every year. Reminds me of this once-a-year journal I found on Amazon a while back. I like the video idea way better though. You should do one of yourself too, for Alexis to watch later (or now.) :D
Obviously you are doing something right. I think her feeling beautiful and smart is a good thing. A lot of women who are smart feel they are stupid and were told so by their parents. She has a healthy dose of confidence. She is perfet! And if she didn't think she had a flaw then maybe yall went to far on the compliments. There is not a person alive that is normal that doesnt hate one thing about themselves. As she grows older hopefully she will learn to appriciate her hair. You have every right to be proud of her answers the were just right. She is smart, beautiful and confident. I love that she wants to be like her mama! From just getting to know you through your blog I have to say your a pretty awesome person and she is smart to want to be like you. Way to go mom. :-)
Those answers are awesome! Juliana worries alot about whether she looks pretty. Yesterday I told her she had to change out of her dress to use the sidewalk paint and she reappeared in a tank top and shorts and asked me if she looked cute and before I could respond told me that she had looked in the mirror and decided that she did look cute. I replied that it was a good outfit for painting and left it at that.
She also wants long, brown hair...crazy child.
She talks about dieting now and I have to explain that mommy is losing weight so I can be healthy and she is perfect the way she is. Unlike Alexis, Juliana would happily live on junk so we do have more discussions about real food and healthier eating choices - not foods that help you stay skinny - foods that give you energy to run fast and make your bones strong.
@Robyn--I've noticed that people talk to boys and girls differently. For example, they'll tell a girl, "You look pretty in that shirt!" but they'll tell a boy, "That's a cool shirt." There's a very clear distinction there, even thought it's likely unintentional.
Alexis is just so clever and cute. She will do amazing things in her life.
This is a tough subject. In my own experience, my parents never emphasized looks. Actually, my first memory of anyone ever telling me I was pretty was when I was 15, and my mom's best friend told me. I remember being shocked that anyone would think I was pretty. Now I struggle with my self esteem when it comes to looks. No one ever told me I was smart either, so I have the exact same issues with my brain. Whenever someone tells me I'm smart, it embarrasses me, and I never believe them. I still don't think I'm either smart or pretty.
I think there needs to be a good balance of both. Kids need to know the importance of being smart, but they also need to feel secure in their bodies. Good for you for raising a girl who seems comfortable with both her smarts and beauty.
I read that article just today, ironically, and yesterday read about a storybook targeting girls SIX to fourteen about dieting called "Maggie Goes on a Diet." The cover shows a heavier girl holding a tiny pink dress up to herself but looking at a thin self holding the same dress in the mirror.
SIX??? At six I was hoping to get to go to Star Wars for my birthday and making mud pies outside. Dieting was not on the radar.
It's wonderful you're really thinking about how these things affect your daughter. Conscious parenting. It's nice to see.
Your kid is awesome. I hope she keeps her positive self-image as she grows up. My middle and high school experience would have been so much better if I would have realized that being a size 2 and wearing Seven jeans is way less important than being smart, confident and kind. Her answers reveal so much about your great parenting =)
Love that kid! :) And because it is unpossible for mom's to hear this enough: You are a GREAT momma!
I tell my girls all the time: "Not everyone can be smart AND pretty like us." And we're big sports fans. Sigh. It's a shame we have such Irish tempers, or we'd have taken over the world by now. ;-)
You're doing a great thing for your daughter just by being conscious of your own behavior and making the effort to keep her grounded. She's growing up into a really amazing person already. :)
I think a lot of the things that become important to us as parents are deeply ingrained in us from what WE remember from our own childhoods. If we were picked on for something, or if we felt bad about something, we try to protect our kids from those things. It's a tough balance, teaching them and protecting them and also letting them just be KIDS...
I have two boys, so the clothes thing doesn't come as much into play, but there are other body image issues, such as being short. Since our second son was born, my husband and I have to avoid comparisons in their height: Our older son Oliver is 97th percentile for height, whereas our younger son Andrew has been around 15th percentile. This doesn't predict their adult heights but my husband is only 5'6-1/2" and he was shorter as a kid, so his friends called him the Hungarian word for "dwarf," and he doesn't want Andrew to get picked on for that. I don't think we can avoid them getting pick on in school, whether it's height or something else, lol... but at least at home and in front of the kids we don't compare them.
As for the smart issue... I was called smart as a kid and it totally backfired--I constantly worried about failing at things, and I turned down opportunities all my life because I thought I wasn't deserving. So we don't use the "s" word for our kids. We know other people say it to their kids and want their kids to believe they are smart, and that's totally fine. But even though we think our kids ARE very smart, we just prefer not to stick that idea in their heads just yet. ;)
I don't think my kids have any idea what the word "fat" means (yet). We don't use that word. Once again, this is stemming from my own self-esteem issues as a kid because I was not thin (and I'm still not, lol).
Keep doing what you're doing, Mama! All the giving that you do and all the things you ARE have already made your daughter uncommonly generous, kind, and open-minded. And the world can surely use more girls like that!
She's doing great so far, based on those answers! Boys are SO different than girls. Dylan doesn't care one iota about his appearance at this point. He got his hair cut and didn't even look in the mirror to see how it looked! I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Did she say that she wants to be more like you? How awesome is that?! And I love that she loves to watch football. What a great girl. :-)
My kid often says she is adorable, which of course she is to me. But I emphasize over and over that what is on the inside counts so much more. And hopefully there is a scientist or some other really smart, driven person inside there (and I hope even more I can push her to want to succeed and do her best without being too pushy).
i'm looking forward to watching the video when i have more time. can't wait to hear the answers alexis gives!
i was fortunate that my mom placed importance on school so i actually wanted to do well when i was little. being dumb and pretty was not valued in my home / family! it would have made me feel like a failure to be pretty and dumb.
when i was 11 or 12 i went to my real father's parent's house near princeton, nj. hadn't seen them in what felt like forever. my grandmother commented all the time on my height and weight, going so far as to buy me something that said, "ewe's not fat, ewe's just fluffy." i told her she could keep it, i loved me just the way i was. thank god for my mom letting me know all the time that being me was enough!
What you really need to work on is that crippling shyness! ;)
She's adorable and clearly you're on the right track with her and her "just right"ness! Kudos!