So Many Nopes

Wednesday

Oct252017

There will come a day when I will manage to get home before the sun sets for the day, and when that happens, I will post photos of the most magnificent spider to ever exist. It is ten feet worth of magnificent with giant glowing eyes and I am SO proud of him. It took me three years of talking about it to make the giant spider, but he finally sits at the edge of our yard, a beacon of happiness and joy.

That's definitely what I think about when I see a giant black 10-foot spider - happiness and joy. That's not the case when we're talking about a bright red spider about the size of dollar coin, especially when said spider happens to be inches from my hand and I'm in no position to run around screaming. Or throw fire. Or run it over with a steamroller.

A post shared by Burgh Baby (@burghbaby) on Oct 23, 2017 at 4:23pm PDT

THAT spider? Is not a happy thing.

It really wanted to be my friend, though. I stopped to fix the leg on my giant black spider and just as I had my hand trapped under the body of the most magnificent spider ever, the other spider showed up and tried to crawl onto my hand. Which, NOPE. NOOOOOOPE.

I'm not sure if the red spider was as excited about our new giant overlord as I was or what, but that sucker came to play. I took a photo from a safe distance and ran away, fully planning on never seeing my not-friend again.

And then came today.

We have a couple of ridiculous Halloween inflatables in our yard because I love me some tacky. The giant witch is tacky and delightful and she compliments my magnificent spider SO much. The only problem with my love for tacky inflatable things is that the husband likes to turn them off during the day. Seeing flat inflatables in the yard makes Mila's head go ::KABOOM:: so I just turn them back on after he's gone. It's not intended as an act of defiance; rather it's an act of preserving my sanity. Mila really super can't handle seeing the things not blown up.

Thus, every morning I turn them back on and every morning Mila runs to make sure they've inflated properly. This morning Mila ran to the witch, declared her "Perfect!" and then turned her attention to the magnificent black spider nearby.

A moment or two passed and you can probably guess exactly what happened - Mila found the little friend. For whatever reason, the red spider has set up shop with the giant spider and ZOMG MILA WAS STANDING THERE HOLDING THE RED SPIDER NO JOKE I ALMOST DIED BLLLLUUUUUUURRRRGH.

"Wook!" she said. "I found another spider for Halloween!"

Let the record show, I did not scream. I did not set my own child on fire. I didn't run my child over with a steamroller. Instead, I calmly said, "Let's put the spider down so it can eat."

And Mila did.

And I'm never ever ever ever going to hold her hand again because I KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN IN THAT HAND. AND I CAN NEVER UNSEE IT.

You're welcome for the nightmares.