The Fates
Sometimes I'm OK with letting The Fates make decisions for me.
For example, if there are three or fewer cars in line at the drive thru, sure! I'll stop at Starbucks on my way to work! Or, if I have somewhere to be and traffic seems like it's a pile of miserable dipped in ridiculous in one direction, I will happily change my course and take a slightly more scenic route. More commonly, I allow The Fates to decide what's for dinner. Whether it be by stopping at the next exit on the highway and just going with whatever happens, or by walking out in the garden and picking whatever is ready for harvest to prepare that night, whatever. Just ... whatever. I can deal with what The Fates decide is right.
But sometimes The Fates make decisions without my permission.
"Momma, I want a baby brother or sister," Alexis will say. ALL OF THE TIME.
Sorry, Alexis. The Fates don't want you to have your way.
"I'm so glad to be done with pregnancy forever," the twitters will say.
What's that like? I seriously don't know.
"Our family is complete," the words stare at me from Facebook.
There are moments when I think I can relate to that sentiment, but there are far more moments when I'm baffled by what that must feel like.
"We are so done," and "This is my last pregnancy," and "I'm a little sad that this is the last time I'll have a newborn," and on and on. I see and hear the conversations, and I think about The Fates and how they've stolen those thoughts from me. They have robbed me blind. Literally. I didn't see them coming -- The Fates broke into our home in the dark of the night and stole our right to make that simple decision. I had no idea The Fates were standing there and choosing our path for us.
If I had a rewind button, maybe I'd zip back in life just a little bit. Maybe I would savor some of those lasts just a few seconds longer. Maybe I would give The Fates permission to take control.
And perhaps I'd kick The Fates in face while I had them there standing in front of me.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Reader Comments (13)
Does that mean congratulations are in order?
<3
I think a hug would be more appropriate. Must be hard.
The Fates made that decision for us as well. I would gladly kick he Fates in the face. However, I want even more so to kick those who had the balls to ask repeatedly "so when are you having another?" 'Why do you only have one?" As if it were a clear sign of our selfishness that needed to be pointed out to us. My "Only" will be 18 soon and it still pisses me off....
No, Lauren. The Fates have decided that Alexis will be an only child.
You have me crying this morning. I totally understand this statement. I have had numerous people say to me at work that its my turn to have another, and I play it off like it was a choice but it wasn't my choice.
oh michelle, you gave me chills. and i think i have something i my eye.
i love you.
Three miscarriages taught me that choice is an illusion. You may input your desire, but the ultimate outcome is never in anyone's hands. It only appears to be when desire lines up with reality.
I'm very sorry.
Amen.
I like how you put that...the fates "robbed me blind......" you describe what so often can't be put into words. they are so cruel...the fates we have been handed in this category...
I missed this one in the pre-trip crazy.
Yeah.
I know.
I say I'm okay and our "family is complete" and all that stuff. And sometimes I believe it. And sometimes I get side-swiped by not-okay.
Love you.
I feel for you :( We struggled with secondary infertility. It seems like people are slowly becoming more sensitive about the topic of infertility, but it doesn't seem to stretch to moms who already have kids. People just assume if you have one, you're able to have as many as you want after that. We all cherish the children we have, but it doesn't take away the pain of missing the ones we want and can't have.
I don't know where I have been, or what prevented me from seeing this earlier. I'm so sorry. Hugs from across the state.