The Naughty List

I'm about to tell the ending of a very long story before the beginning, but it has to be done. I cannot continue to be the only person who has seen the photo I'm putting at the end of this post.

WAIT! YOU CAN'T JUST SCROLL TO THE PHOTO! You have to read the words first!

Or don't. Whatever.

ANYWAY.

The longer version of this story told in the correct order carefully lays out that Mila is not a shy child. At all. With that summarized, let's talk about how Alexis didn't have school Monday so I took the day off. I declared it a girls' shopping day and we headed for the mall.

We walked to and fro quite happily. It was great. But then I spotted the Santa line and I was all IT IS MEANT TO BE! The line was short and the girls were sort of dressed decently. There wasn't even a puddle of snot on Mila's shirt! That's essentially a recipe for DO IT NOW, so we ran over and got in line.

Alexis is currently riding a wave of her best behavior because the blackmail that is Christmas is amazing. Mila wasn't quite as happy to be standing there, but she wasn't terrible. I focused on entertaining her as we waited.

We "nice touched" the ornaments on the giant tree.

We danced.

We rearranged my face as we yelled, "NOSE!" and "EYES!" and "HAIR!"

We flipped upside-down and spun around.

We smiled at people and yelled "HI!"

We pooped.

Well, that one wasn't so much a "we" project as it was a Mila project.

There were two problems with the situation. First of all, the diaper bag was in the car (OR SO I THOUGHT. That's yet another story for another day.). Second of all, WE WERE IN LINE. The stars had aligned and we were meant to be there!

So we stayed.

We stayed despite the fact that woman behind us was judging me so hard her face almost fell off. The only reason she was aware of our little situation is because she heard me tell Alexis, by the way. This was not a room-clearing situation. It was a, "Do you smell something?" and then sniff the baby's butt situation. Which, WHY DO WE DO THAT? Why do parents purposely smell something that can't possibly be pleasant instead of just changing a baby after a whiff?

It makes no sense.

Neither did her judging, but whatever. The feeling was pretty mutual thanks in no small part to the fact that her 8 or 9-year old boy was behaving like a doucheface.

So we stayed in line because it was short and Mila was still happy and blah, blah, blah.

Mila played peek-a-boo.

Mila laughed.

Mila waited.

And waited.

And WAITED.

What was a short line turned into a forever wait because there was a parent who made a decision to stay there until they got a perfect Facebook-worthy photo.  The kid wasn't really playing along, but that didn't stop the parent from dancing and yelling and making faces and basically we got to see the circus for free. While we waited. FOREVER.

So Mila's patience started to fade. 

And then it was our turn.

And ... WELP.

The second Mila exploded into a ball of fury, I started moving faster. I launched her into Santa's lap, took a step backwards, and told the photographer to get busy. Which, HOOBOY! I GOT JUDGED! AGAIN! I tried to explain that it wasn't worth trying to calm the screamer down, but the whole thing got lost in the river of screams that was flowing from Mila.

But the best, really, is that SANTA JUDGED ME SO HARD. He shot me the most disapproving face you've ever seen, even though I was sort of being considerate at that point. I mean, I could have grabbed Mila and worked on calming her down, but it would have taken ten minutes. All of the people in line would have had to wait even longer. I figured Mila isn't going to remember the trauma anyway, so just take the photo! Fast! Do it!

And that is how I wound up on Santa's naughty list. Permanently.

It was totally worth it for that photo.

Comments

[Karl]

One of our two all time favorite family photos is a Christmas photo with Santa.

The nine-year-old boy has a huge goofy fake grin on his face.
The six-year-old boy looks like he slept in his clothes for a week (they were fine when we left the house).
The 2-year-old girl is zoned out, staring off into the distance.
And the baby is screaming her head off, just like Mila.

I have to say that your Santa made a better effort for the camera than ours did; ours was visibly trying not to grind his teeth.

[Mary]

Ew Boy, I think I have one of every nephew at that age screaming their heads off. It is a right of passage. Alexis looks fabulous!