The Next Jessie Spano
"How was school today?" I asked, just like I do every day. Alexis knows that if the question is answered with just one syllable, there will be a follow up question or two.
She opted to cut the extra steps out. "It was awful. I'm falling behind in math," she replied.
We went back and forth a few times. Alexis slowly dissolved into a puddle of BLURGH. Sobs and tears and shaking and SO MUCH SAD. "Momma, I'm so bad at math!" she said.
I try not to dismiss things like that without facts. The only facts that I had were Alexis' word and the knowledge that she was at the very top of her class in math last year. But maybe she really was falling behind? It was worth checking before telling her to chill out.
Several hours later, I had a giant ball of CHILL THE HELL OUT, CHILD on my mind. I checked online for Alexis' grades and found that she has completed four math tests so far this year. She has a TERRIBLE grade of just ... 98%.
98%.
She has missed one question total so far. ONE.
Falling behind, my ass.
As soon as I set eyes on Little Miss Perfection, I initiated the conversation. Ten minutes later, it was really very clear -- Alexis is not happy with 98%. She wants to get every question right every time.
I do not understand this concept. I am Miss 89.5% Rounds to 90% and That is an A. I like to do the minimum required to get the best grade. I don't have to be the absolute best or top of the class or any of that. I just have to get that A. An A is an A is an A. Just get that A and then go out and have fun!
Alexis is one of Those People. Those People who want to be the very best and can't forgive themselves for making mistakes.
HOW IN THE HECK DO I DEAL WITH THAT? Because it is not OK. It's the kind of thing that leads to Jessie Spano caffeine pill freakouts.
I'm serious. Advice, please.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Reader Comments (10)
I'm a member of this club!! My oldest is like that too. Her Math answers have to be perfect, and the trouble she was having earlier this week meant she "sucked at math", despite the progress report that says she's getting an A or B, can't remember which. Fast forward to today, where she's gotten EXTRA work sent home to challenge her. Yeah, clearly she sucks at math.
If you figure out the secret, please share it with the rest of us. E was in full on meltdown mode tonight thanks to a school wide reading competition. Apparently if she can't beat the 5th graders at reading, as a lowly 1st grader, she may as well NEVER READ A BOOK AGAIN, OMG THE HORRORS!!!
I don't get it either.
It's one of those on-going conversation things. Just keep doing what you're doing! She'll calm down...eventually.
I have the opposite problem. Sabrina can do it but just doesn't in school. She doesn't care and doesn't see why she should. At home, she reads and does math and begs to do science experiments constantly. At school? She socializes and dicks around getting very little done and tested in the 13th %tile for math and reading. Sigh. I can't MAKE her care. I'm not sure how to motivate her. Is there no happy medium?
M is the same way. Last year when her grades dipped because of other problems at school she about lost her mind. She only needed 48 AR points for Reading for the entire YEAR to get a A, she's currently over 130. She's gotten up multiple times this year at 5:30am for some extra studying before school for tests. I wish I could give you an answer, but I've just had to learn to live with it. I don't push, just help her study. I find that as the year goes on, she calms down a little bit. Hoping A is the same.
Well if you figure it out, let me know. Our daughter started it last year in preschool (PRESCHOOL). It became really obvious during testing, when she was moved to tears because she couldn't erase and re-write her writing assessment. Because "I know I can do it better!"
Her father & I are totally laid back, so have NO IDEA how to deal with her perfectionism. No idea.
My oldest, a teen, is the same way. She is a perfectionist and so meticulous about schoolwork that she puts the same effort and time into a quiz worth 1 point as the project worth a zillion. I guess it's tough finding the right balance when you have so little life experience. I try to guide her in making decisions about how to manage her time and making choices, and just keep the conversation going about expectations vs. reality. (Yes, you are going to fail at some things and that's ok. TRUST ME. I'm an expert!) I also encourage her to take some time to go outside, breathe in the fresh air - who knew I'd ever HAVE to do that?!
PS. As I'm sure you've already guessed, homework and expectations get worse as they get older. I wonder how kids who are really struggling handle all of it? I can't imagine.
I don't have any expertise or anything, but no matter how your kid deals with failure or defines failure...I think kids need to see adults fail, make mistakes, and then the adult shows them how to deal with them. Apologize when we do things wrong, and then talk about what we should have done and that we will do better next time. Make a mistake, then ask her if she feels differently about you after you made the mistake. So, show her how she does not have to be perfect. There has to be some sort of book or movie out there that has a character like that....
I was a lot like Alexis when I was younger - not to the point of wanting 100%, but always wanting As - and I had the advantage of being (reasonably) naturally intelligent and reading a lot at home. It was really hard to transition into challenging things like AP classes, where I gasp actually had to study and still only got Bs sometimes. I think for kids like me and Alexis, it's important to hear that it's okay to fail, and that you won't always be the best at everything.
i cannot fathom this!