Unbroken
"Broken people don't create memories."
I left the words unsaid. Alexis has never looked depression in the face, so she wouldn't know how to stare it down, recognize it for what it is, and walk away knowing that it's not the sort of thing that can be easily fixed. It's not your fault. It just is.
"But, mom! What kind of things did you do for your mom for Mothers Day?" Alexis pressed on as she grinned from ear-to-ear. She had single-handedly taken on the task of delivering breakfast in bed to me and was watching intently as I ate my cereal. She was so very proud of herself and very much so looking forward to a day where she would dictate my every move in the interest of making it a great day.
I never really did that for my mom. What do you do for someone who is so lost in her head that she can't join life? There aren't words that fix it. No actions make a difference. It's not the sort of thing you explain to a 7-year old, though. You either know it because you're living it, or you're completely oblivious. It's good that Alexis is oblivious.
"Hey. Will you take a picture with me today?" I asked, not so subtly throwing a SQUIRREL! into the conversation.
"Moooooooom," Alexis started to complain. "You have a million pictures of me," she continued.
"But I don't have very many of both of us," I retorted.
That satisfied her and then some.
Broken people don't create memories.
I think that's why she so very rarely appeared in photographs. There is a family portrait from when I was a month old or so, but that's it. She disappeared. Years and years and years went by and she never appeared in a single photo. No photos with her kids. No photos alone. No photos.
It's like she never existed.
I get the thing where we all think we look awful in photos. We need to lose a few pounds, it's a bad hair day, that shirt looks awful ... we all have our excuses.
But, man, exist. Just exist. Only the broken people should be forgetting to create memories.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Reader Comments (15)
Oh man, you got me. I could barely get off the couch on Mother's Day. I don't want to be broken.
Best ever advice. And amazing photo. Thank you.
Such an important reminder. The low points in my life are easy to pick out - I take less pictures and I certainly don't appear in any on purpose.
My kids love when they flip through photos and see themselves and are even happier when they see Mommy with them. So no make-up, need to lose many pounds, glasses, pony tail, etc. I want them to have proof that I was there, always involved in their lives.
@Jennifer--THAT. So much THAT.
Wonderful words to live by.
You have a way with words, as always. I have to add, though -- fantastic picture of you & the short person!! :)
fabulous picture. beautifully written post. I'm sorry your mom didn't get to live out loud the joys of being your parent, but as I usually find when I visit you here, you have managed to turn what must have been painful and confusing to you as a child, into yet another lesson for your daughter and those you share your experiences with, on how, and why, to live. thank you!
YES! Must be in the photos too. MUST.
Happy belated Mother's Day, friend. Lovely photo of you both.
Oh and I got in some too... :)
What a powerful post!!!
I might duck out less out of pictures now because of you!
There is so much truth here. I have 2 pictures of my grandma--one from when my mom was 10, one from the 60s, and one from a year before she died. She was sick as long as I knew her, but everyone's memories are the same: never leaving the couch and rarely smiling.
Like the previous poster, you can tell when I'm happiest by the amount of photos I've taken. I can't be bothered to pick up my camera when I'm not happy. I'll work on it.
Great picture & post. :)
Great picture of you too... and of course we should get in the picture, thanks for the reminder!
I worry about how my depression will effect my daughter. I work very hard to keep my very bad days to myself, especially because I believe the depression is hereditary. What I see in my grandmother and my mother, I see in me. I may not be able to defeat that, but I'm hoping that showing her a better way to live with it will change the shape & scope of how she lives with it.
Thank you so much for giving me hope that she can have a brighter everything in spite of what's inside my head!
You are the reason I didn't back away during prom pictures when my daughter said to my son, lets get pictures of us and mama. Thank you for again reminding me that it is just as important that they have as many pictures of me as I have of them.
Powerful, powerful post. Thanks for the reminder. :)
thank you for getting in the picture. it kills me at christmas when i only see photos of the children of people i adore. i'll be linking back to this around december. and also at easter. and probably many more times through the year. again, thank you for knowing that you are a precious gift, just as much as your daughter is.
i think your mom's depression made you a better mom than most women can hope to be. she somehow raised a damn fine daughter. i'm thankful for her, even in all her faults.