Verbal Monkey with No Commons Sense

Through a series of events that I can't identify, but that I'm sure involved spending too much money, I found myself holding a 20% off entire purchase coupon for Target.

Let's let the glory of that phrase set in, shall we? 20% OFF ENTIRE PURCHASE. TARGET.

::HappySigh::

As a logical human being who understands the majesty of such a coupon, I planned and plotted how that would be used. I waited and watched and decided that today would be my day. I was going to buy ALL OF THE THINGS.

Given that I haven't bought groceries in a month (we're surviving on cookies, cereal, and mystery foods that Mila pulls out from between the couch cushions), that ALL OF THE THINGS is a rather large order. I suspected I might need a semi to get it all home, especially since I had all of those last-minute Christmas gifts to grab and Santa hadn't taken care of stockings just yet.

Which, Santa believes in toiletries. It's true! He likes to stuff underwear and shampoo and all of those things that you straight-up need in life into your stocking. While the cost of all of those little things certainly adds up, Santa saves us from having to buy anything like that for months and months. Also, 20% off! Plus Cartwheel! Plus regular coupons! Plus Red Card! AHOY!

There was just one catch to my little plan. While I was prepared to spend hours in Target filling up cart after cart, I had a partner in crime. That partner in crime was prepared to spend hours in Target ripping things off of shelves, throwing other things across the store, yelling "HI!" at every single person who walked by, and I do believe there were plans for burning the store down at the end.

Hello, Mila. You're fun.

If you've met Mila, you understand that I'm not exaggerating when I say that it requires duct tape, booze, and enough luck to win the lottery twice in order to get that kid to sit in a cart for more than three minutes. She's a nimble little thing, so even when well strapped in, she just stands up and is free of all constraints. I have a lot of tricks that I employ to survive shopping trips with the little imp.

I ran out of tricks before we made it to the second aisle. I also ran out of yogurt-covered raisins, because why not? Why wouldn't I want to pay for an empty package? It's not like I had started the trip by purchasing a full meal of the kid's choosing or anything. Ahem.

I learned a few things by spending far too long in Target trying to shop yet having to constantly re-cage a verbal monkey with no common sense.

1. Verbal monkeys with no common sense are really good at spotting glass objects that are on a low shelf.

2. I'm really good at diving and catching glass objects before they hit the ground.

3. Toy cars are fun.

4. To throw.

5. People who don't say "hi" back to a friendly toddler are jerks. Mostly I say that because she repeats her "hi" louder and louder and LOUDER AND LOUDER until somebody returns the pleasantry or shoves a pacifier in her mouth. Oh look, we aren't done with the paci after all. WELP.

6. I'm not broke because of daycare expenses; It's because I walk around with a verbal monkey with no common sense. There is no time to find the lowest price on a bottle of shampoo. JUST GRAB THAT ONE, OMG. GET BACK HERE, CHILD. WHY ARE YOU CLIMBING THE SHELF? STAAAAAAHP.

7. Shopping lists are only helpful up until the point when the toddler snares the list in her grubby little hands and then turns it into confetti.

8. Spilled milk is absolutely worth crying over.

9. Especially when it's mixed with list confetti.

10. Shopping with a verbal monkey with no common sense will take 10 years off of your life.

And one bonus thing I learned:

Mila is $24.99. The 20% off coupon isn't valid on her, though.

Comments

[Robin]

I park my son in the middle of the aisle when I can so he's not pulling things off of shelves. Then I apologize for blocking the aisle saying I'm trying to keep him from clearing them. I hate stores like JoAnns with narrow aisles when he's with me.