When Stubborn People Mate, They Get Stubborn Squared
If you had asked me five years ago how I felt about co-sleeping, I would have looked you straight in the eye, tried to determine if you were insane, and considered if I thought you had a tendency towards violence when angry. If I decided it was safe, I would have gone on to tell you all about how stupid co-sleeping is. "Co-sleeping is for wimps who can't say 'no' to their kids!" I would have declared. "Co-sleeping is dangerous!" I would have maintained, thinking of all of the cases of a child who died when smothered by a sleeping parent. "I would NEVER do that!" I would have said.
I was stupid.
If you were to ask me the same question now, my reply would be something like, "Co-sleeping? Ooooh . . . I LOVE co-sleeping!" I might mutter something about how I'm really glad some harebrained "expert" decided to give a fancy name to that which I call My Kid Owns Me Between 9pm and 6am.
Because, uh . . . my kid owns me between 9pm and 6am. Truly. It's not because I don't know how to say "no" or because I'm weak or because I haven't tried like crazy to get the kid to stay in her bed. It's because the kid has her own opinions on the whole thing, and damn if she doesn't have two legs that help her carry out the actions her little brain desires.
For the first year of her life, Alexis slept in her crib. She had a bedtime routine, never slept in our bed, and generally had great sleeping habits. Except that she never really slept through the night. Ever.
I tried the whole cry it out thing when she woke up fussing. Alexis rewarded me by figuring out how to get so upset that she could puke at will. It's kind of hard to convince a kid to quit crying and go back to sleep when they are covered in their own slimy vomit.
I gave her means to sooth herself. Pacifiers and stuffed animals and music all helped, but DUDES, the kid doesn't need sleep. She never has. (See photo in previous post--she was 3-weeks old at the time and ALWAYS FREAKIN AWAKE.) (REALLY. ALWAYS AWAKE.)
The always awake thing ate away at my soul for two years. Lots of brain cells died during that phase. Mostly mine. Then we moved into the World of the Toddler Bed. I became THAT parent who spent half the night escorting a wandering kid back to her bed. It took her a few weeks to figure out that she could escape, but once she did, she was like a college kid backpacking across Europe--she left no corner of her world unexplored. We wore a rut in the carpet between the two bedrooms as she tried to sneak into our bed five to ten times per night and I escorted her back five to ten times per night. It went on for months.
(I should note one very important detail--Mr. Husband has always slept through every frakkin second of the night-time drama. Oh, to be male and deaf . . .)
When it became clear that she wasn't getting the hint, I started locking her in her room. Oh, yes, I did. I tried baby gates and locking the door and force fields and telepathy but NOTHING WORKED. Either the Littlest Ninja would break through my barricades or she would get so incredibly pissed off that I had the nerve to expect her to stay in her room that she would torture me. Loudly. For hours.
People, she once stood at a baby gate shaking it like a rabid howler monkey, screaming at the top of her lungs, and bawling like I had kicked her puppy in the face. For. Two. Hours. I was so tired after two hours of listening to her test her ability to break the sound barrier that I gave up.
I just plain gave up.
It turns out that it's easier to sleep through a kid kicking me in the face than it is to sleep through a kid screaming at the top of her lungs.
She wants to cuddle. She swears she needs to cuddle. She gets to cuddle.
I just hope she escorts herself back out of our bed by the time she starts college. If not, things could get a bit awkward.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Reader Comments (30)
Gabriel slept in his crib till he was 17 months old. And then with me until just before he turned four. He turned 4 in January.
I am that wimp that can't say no to my kid. I'm too tired to take that walk back to the crib ten times at night to hope the smaller person gives up with the crying.
We've decided to just invest in a second bed to put next to ours. Extra wide and all that. Then they can all hop on in.
(Okay, not really . . . yet)
The baby is awfully cozy though. Probably because she hasn't learned to elbow and kick like the toddler.
@Jayna--There is someone in our house who can't say "no," but it's not me. Ahem.
Puking AT WILL?!
Oh, there would be co-sleeping in my house too. Mark my words.
Suddenly, I'm feeling better about my son turning 12 today.
@LeslieSColeman--She can still do it. At least two of her early evictions from daycare have been sheer willpower on her behalf. She'd make a great bulimic, unfortunately.
There's a mom that is going through the puking episodes right now, and I would hate to show her this, lol!
I'm super glad I have a baby that NEEDS to sleep in his own room. I used to be able to nap with him in the mornings, but now he just punches me and tries to climb (fall) off the side of the bed. He's a sleeper, that's for sure. He has always been on the upper end of "normal" sleep ranges.
I just don't get where that comes from. I mean, it never crossed my mind, as a kid, to go try to sleep in my parents room.
In fact, you couldn't have paid me to go in there and wake up my dad. Mom used to say, when I'd be sick, "If you need us in the night, just call."
I'd rather have cut out my tongue than wake up my folks. Maybe it was just a different time, when kids were more afraid of their parents.
Heck, you're probably lucky she didn't call 911 when she was gated in her own room.
The Toad was a lovely, snuggly baby. he's not lovely nor is he snuggly now. He learned early to bring his own pillow and blanket with him (I'm a cover hog, and so was he.) I thought, at the time, that the dragging the pillow and blanket thing would discourage him. it didn't, but that was okay. He was also very very warm and I was always very very cold. He's warm up the bed better than an electric blanket.
The Howler? She's like a cactus. Not snuggly at all--EVER. She also runs on less sleep than a normal child. There is no way, EVER that she can sleep with us. Know that wonderful thing babies do where they fall asleep on your chest and you doze too? Yeah, we got like once of that (and Daddy go it, not me) Even when she's sleeping, she's always moving...like jimmy legs, only it's jimmy body. A really bad vibrating bed that makes you seasick. I could go on, but I'm already feeling kind of seasick thinking about it.
Good luck getting her out before college. What are you going to do if you have another that also wants to co-sleep?
We went through this with Bug. Except I thought it would be easier if I just slept in HIS room with him. Did that for a couple of years..... ugh.
If it helps give you hope at all, I will tell you that he weaned himself when it just plain got too uncomfortable for him. Of course, he was 8 or 9 at the time.... but still, it was before he got bigger than me! :)
We're stuck in the co-sleeping hell as well. We got stuck because ours had to be in physical contact with a parent AT ALL TIMES for about the first 6 months of her life or she would demonstrate what the sixth level of hell sounded like. She was also breast fed so it made it easier for her to stay in bed with us.
I have a friend who is a pediatrician and he told us before the baby came that studies show that co-sleeping is fine as long as the baby is not next to dad. Apparently moms will wake up if they roll over on baby, but dads often will not. At the time we gave him the--riiiiiight co-sleeping, like we would ever do that look; but now we understand.
@bluzdude--It never would have occurred to me either. I think some kids are snugglers and some aren't. Both will do whatever they need to in order to make sure they're happy.
It's all karmic retribution for the fact that I'm a Get Out of My Space NOW sort of person. *sigh*
Banana sleeps with us most every night. For a long time I thought maybe it was because she told me there was a man in her room, I thought the house was haunted, then we got the house blessed. Nah...she just loves to cuddle. And she'l come up with that sweet lil voice and say "Momma will you please snuggle me?" Uh, yah...of course I will! If my 5 year old loves me so much and wants to snuggle, you're darn tootin I'm snugglin...cause once she's 13 she'll hate my guts and never want to speak to me and I'll always have the memories of the snuggles. To heck with what others say! I'm not raising their children so we're good.
Oh my goodness... see, I didn't go through all of that - I just did co-sleeping from the beginning! OMG I NEED MY SLEEP! Getting up as often as you did must have been soooo tiring... I have to say, I love sleeping with my baby boy! Slept with my oldest son for a few years too. Once baby number 2 arrived, oldest son got a queen sized bed so we can sleep with him if he wants us too. Win-win situation! :)
"I just hope she escorts herself back out of our bed by the time she starts college. If not, things could get a bit awkward."
I keep telling myself that, over and over and over about my son. I mean sooner or later he won't want to sleep with us right? right? tap tap is this thing on?
I know we've discussed this, but I'm with you. I gave up trying to get him back into his bed. Eventually we switched from a queen to king sized bed with one of those memory foam mattresses. He now sneaks into our room quietly, climbs on the bed, and goes completely unnoticed by me or hubby until I accidentally smack him in the head when reaching for my alarm clock.
Neither of mine ever thought of asking to get into bed with me - they just wake me up so I can escort them back to bed. Or to the potty that they WALKED PAST to come get me. Or Bee will wake me up just to tell me she loves me. I still have horrible dreams, so I try to be sympathetic, but usually at around Trip #6 I start hissing, "I love you too, but I would love you better IF YOU WERE SLEEPING!" Mom fail. But I'm too tired to care.
Whatever works, right? No judging here.
I'm pretty sure I have the male version of your child...in many ways. He demands to sleep with me. OK. Not really, but many of those same things that happened with Alexis once happened with him. He has a bed next to our bed, but does he ever lay in it? Nah, not really.
Seriously, though...how do you handle the sex thing?
Maybe that is why both you and I only have one kid? :-)
We were all great parents before we had kids. Lots of things I swore I would never do have been done - and happily.
Fortunately, my youngest is like me and loves to sleep. And the last time she slept with us (after copious amounts of vomiting - we were afraid she would choke), she expressed her great displeasure at having other people in her vicinity. My oldest doesn't need much sleep. Seriously, kid sleeps like a coed - party til 3am and up at 7 refreshed for class. However, the child is a ridiculous rule follower and rather OCD to boot. Sleeping with mommy and daddy is not in the rules or the OCD pattern. Good thing too because she is a kicker. We told her that she isn't allowed to get out of bed until we come to get her and she listens! For a whole year. She calls us when she wants to get up in the morning. Think there is any hope of this behavior following her into the teen years?
LOL! Oh, how I relate!
I felt the same way about co-sleeping BEFORE I had my first child. We sold her crib when she was just a few months old because she never slept in it. She wasn't much of a sleeper either. And, the only way she did sleep is if she were next to me. I nursed her for 19 months so it was just easier to have her in bed with us.
We actually LOVE co-sleeping. I'm here to tell you she won't be there forever. When we had our second daughter NINE years later first daughter finally started sleeping by herself. We now have a three year old in bed with us. LOL! I'm planning on putting her in bed with big sister sometime this year or next. And, then FINALLY my husband and I will have our bed back to ourselves for the first time in 13 ish? years! Ha!!
Oops! I forgot to sign off as Mrs. Albright. I'd hate for one of the other housewives who doesn't believe in co-sleeping to be accused of it. LOL!
I know the same thing will happen with Tiny Man when he's out of his cage, er I mean crib.
Luckily, he shares a room with his brother, so it's his big brother he'll be kicking in the face all night. And luckily for Big Brother, he's a very sound sleeper.
She's awfully cute though!
@The RHOK--Alexis used the heck out of crib for a long time. She really was content sleeping in it, she just wanted someone else in her room where she could see them. Now she's apparently afraid I'll try to escape because she wraps her hands around a huge chunk of my hair. :-/
I feel your pain (or snuggly goodness, whichever you prefer). Mine finally slept in her own bed at age 10. Nice right? Even now, she still likes to snuggle at least 1 night a month. I figure I will take it while I can because someday she is not going to want to snuggle with me.
like bluzdude, it never (EVER!) would have occurred to me to just go sleep with my parents. actually, that is not totally true. i remember one time i was about five and had a bad dream so i grabbed a blanket, a pillow and a stuffed animal on my way to the floor outside of my parents' room. funny that i can remember that specific night...although i don't remember the bad dream i do remember the feeling of wanting to be near the parents, but not wanting to wake them up. i'm kinda cracking up that i cared so much about them getting enough sleep.
p.s. i love that alexis wants to be so close to you. it's sweet.
This title! OMG! This title alone made me spit out my drink tonight.Congratulations! You are awesome.
Sorry about bedtimes though. That sucks... and I know firsthand. Both my children are sleep adverse and it makes me want to harm others.
Both Cooper and Maren slept in my bed (Cooper from 3 months until 4-and-a-half and Maren from birth until just-shy-of-3), and while they protested vigerously at being evicted, they stuck with it and now sleep in their own beds - this post reminds me to knock on every wood surface available and to thank my lucky stars! Briar is still with us, and I am about *this close* to taking her crib down and putting the sale money towards a bed she may one day sleep in.
Just keep chanting that last line!
I'm a HUGE advocate of co-sleeping as well - I think we have the same child! Really! But me, I have less will power than you and gave in long before you did! I needed sleep! At around age 6, my son finally was able to sleep in his own bed, however, hubbie did have to sleep with him for a good solid 6 months during that transition! (NO JOKE) He's 8 now and all good. He still will sneak in about 25% of the time in the middle of the night, but I have a toddler bed by my side of my bed, and he will sleep there now. Mainly because my now 3 year old daughter has taken over his previous spot !! HA HA
(PS - lovely to see another on the fabulous SS)
This: "It turns out that it's easier to sleep through a kid kicking me in the face than it is to sleep through a kid screaming at the top of her lungs." EXACTLY! Since my daughter was BORN!
After thinking about this in great detail for over 3 years, I have pretty much determined that (at least for my daughter) this is an issue of being a late developer of self-soothing skills. My daugher has simply always been unable to truly self-soothe. We are working on it with her, but it's been a long process. With lots of toddler-hemlet nights.
@Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings - For us, we put my daughter to bed in her own bed, and there is usually at least a couple hours before she makes her way into our bed. That usually gives us time for the sex thing, though we are sure to lock the door just in case she's up early. Also, sex in other rooms has been very, um, exciting!
@Michelle Smiles - "We were all great parents before we had kids." LOVE IT!