The post without anything shirtless.
When I agreed to guest post for Burgh Baby, I was a little drunk.
I’m not making that up. Not that I wouldn’t have agreed to it sober, I’m just sharing the story with you.
I had been sitting innocently at my computer at 9:00 at night attempting to pound out my latest column for Pittsburgh Magazine, which had a NEXT DAY DUE DATE OMGPANICI HAVEN‘TWRITTENONEWORD, when my sister called with a “my two kids and my husband have worn me down and I need to get out of the house and drink wine NOW” call.
You don’t tell your sister no when they call you with THAT call. You invite them over and crack open a new bottle of Riesling wine and talk about life, problems, and more wine please.
So by the time I returned to my computer an hour later, I was buzzing and Burgh Baby’s mom had baited a hook and was twitter-fishing for a guest post. Oh, I’ll do it! Pick me! Pick me! The chick who has never written for a Mommy Blog before! MEMEME! If this were twitter I would hash tag this paragraph with #attentionwhore.
It wasn’t until the next day that the What The Hell Am I Going To Write About thoughts set in. Oh, and the headache. Ow.
I threatened Burgh Baby's Mom with extravagant use of the word penis, or just a post of picture after picture of hawt shirtless Pittsburgh athletes, but really, other than Troy Polamalu and maybe a few Penguins, do we really want to see Ben Roethlisberger without a shirt. Dear God, no. My eyes.
Plus, this website is for Alexis and if Alexis was my daughter, she wouldn’t be allowed to see a shirtless man other than her father until she was maybe 25-years-old. And then only if she’s a doctor and needs to do open heart surgery. Even then, are we SURE this guy will die without the surgery?
So I decided to answer the question in this post. Sort of.
Five things I would teach every girl in the world:
1. You live life once, every moment once, and they go fast. Life is way too short to be unhappy from things within your control. That includes the profession you choose, the man you choose, the food you choose, and the friends you choose.
2. There IS such a thing as inner beauty that eventually outshines outer beauty and any man that doesn’t recognize that isn’t worth a single tear, a broken sob, or even a well-placed kick to the donkey omelets. Alexis is already rocking the inner and outer beauty, so, you know, WIN!
3. It’s okay to hate pink, hate purple, hate princesses and hate everything about Barbie and her stupid eight-feet-long legs and that brainless penis-less (ding!) Ken guy she strings along. It’s okay to play with boys and trains and worms and to scrape your knees without crying and to be tough and to know how to totally rock both a backwards baseball cap and a grounder that goes screaming past third base … while wearing an adorable dress.
4. Dreams really do frickin’ come true. I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker. Srsly. I’m living proof of this one.
5. Karma is a boomerang. A justice-serving, smack-you-in-the-butt, just desserts, if-you-give-it-be-prepared-to-take-it boomerang. Don’t be one of those girls that thinks they have a Karma Boomerang shield, dishing out the selfishness and the pettiness and the materialistic judginess (not a real word), thinking you can just flick a button, activate your shield and watch as the boomerang splinters to pieces leaving you unharmed. This is not Star Wars. You are not Queen Amidala. Dish that stuff out long enough and that Karma Boomerang will smack you upside the head so hard you’ll never recover everything you lost.
Does any of that make sense, Alexis? I hope so. I'm a little drunk.
Also, Alexis, could you shut your eyes for a quick sec?
What?!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Reader Comments (22)
@JanePitt is a LLPOF [liar liar, pants on fire]. I see a shirtless man!
In other news, great post. Especially for someone who agreed to it a little tipsy.
Alexis, never let it be said that your mom doesn't follow hilarious bloggers. Now, would you flash that adorable smile at JanePitt & see if she'll bring back The Burgh Blog?
PittGirl, we miss you!!
Also, I'm kidding about the LLPOF thing. Maybe a little. Who knows.
i wonder it i should save this for my granddaughter-she's 5. makes sense.
I never liked Barbie. I only had a couple growing up, but I would always pop off their heads.
Awesome! You can come blog over at my place any time you want - drunk or not!
PittGirl, You are brilliant.
Addendum to #3: It's also okay to love those things in the first sentence. As long as you still remember the things in the second sentence.
#5: That's church.
So, now that you've done it, what will other mommy bloggers have to offer for more guest posting? And shirtless guys?
ciao,
rpm
#1 needs to be in BOLD TYPE, ALL CAPS and stuck on every girls and woman's mirror, refrigerator, screen saver and pillow...words to live by!
You could totally be an Honorary MommyBlogger. Great advice! And lovely shirtless man.
am i allowed to take number one, copy it, print it and staple it to the foreheads of most of my friends? that is priceless information.
all five points rocked, but number one really hit home. thanks for rocking the guest post, pittgirl.
oh, and next time you are drunk and feeling loosey goosey about the guest post, midnightcliff is yours!
Great post, hey if you want to guest post for me some time...lol
Um, I don't think that's appropriate foot attire for shirtless hockey.
I was reading, reading, reading and laughing and then I blanked out at the end and started to drool for a bit. what were you saying?
Great post! You're words of wisdom are spot on. Alexis (and the rest of us) have all learned something today. Maybe. No, I'm pretty sure we did. Again, awesome, awesome post PittGirl!
bwahahaaaaa :-)
Brilliant and spot on.
A PittGirl post - you just made my month. I miss The Burgh Blog. Great advice.
Hmm. I'm thinking he's pretty hot for not being shirtless.
I had #4 engraved on a ring when my twins were born...
Love it! I happen to be having a glass of wine myself *hiccup*
Always good advice when Barbie is bashed. The only fun we had with the tramp was giving her a swirlie. Good times.
Fantastic post. Unfortunately, it all fell out of my head when I got to the picture portion. Is this non-shirtless man typical for your region? Because I was never told about this part of Pittsburgh. I was only told about cold weather and such. I think I've been misled.
This post is suddenly extra special today.
Topless Sid and all.