I Need to Go Back to Preschool

Ever since Grumpfest 2008, the Toddler has simply been a pleasure to be around. No, really. It's been enough to make me almost think that maybe, kind of, sort of, perhaps having another kid wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. (Don't get too excited there, Pappaw, my sanity is still somewhat intact and it is aware that I still haven't figured out a way to hang a crib out of the window without getting a call from the Homeowner's Association. Must. find. new. house. first.)

Anyhoo, between the giggles and cuddles and meaningful conversations like this one:

Me: Alexis, where do you put the lid to the olive jar?
Alexis: Ook unda da couch.
Me: Of course, why didn't I think of that?
Alexis: I don know. Mommy silly!

It's really been fun to hang out with her. Since she hasn't been scaring me away with her Toddler screeching, I've had ample opportunity to realize that I can learn much from her wise little brain. Examples:

1. I know I'm an idiot for never realizing it on my own, but DUDE! Eeyore is a donkey. Honest to goodness, it never occurred to me. I guess I just never thought about what kind of animal he is. Thanks, kiddo!

2. Have I ever mentioned that I live under a rock? Well, I live under a rock, and under my rock, there is no such thing as disco music. I don't know if I was born too late (is 1976 too late?), too far North (NoDaks do only listen to country, causing my ears to bleed for years and all of my checks for babysitting to go towards CDs), or if I'm just ignorant (probably). I just know that I had never actually listened to any KC & The Sunshine Band. On Saturday, I was attempting to load up an MP3 player with music for Alexis (long story, but the main points are that it was free, she's perfectly willing to listen to headphones, and I can't handle her music any more). Except, I was using a free trial from some dumb website, so it was very slim pickings. After nearly dying while perusing the kids section, I started going for oldies and was playing a sample of various songs. I got to "Shake Your Booty" and would you believe Little Miss started singing? And kept singing? And knew the entire chorus? All my life, I have thought the lyrics were "Shake your Groove Thing." Obviously, I was wrong and my two-year old knew something I didn't. I think daycare gets a little credit for this one. She learns some valuable stuff there.

3. If you mix all of the colors of Play-Doh together, the Play-Doh police will not come crashing into your house to arrest you and charge you with crimes against humanity. I'm sure you're just as shocked as I was.

4. All those characters on Dora? They HAVE NAMES! It's not "That cow thing" or "that other thing." They have honest to goodness names. Just don't ask me what they are because I wasn't really paying attention to the little presentation Alexis put on for me, complete with visual aids.

5. It's far easier to teach a Toddler to empty the dishwasher than it is to teach an adult. That's probably because she knows how to make it fun.

You Need to Know

We conducted a very valuable scientific experiment last night, and I think it's prudent that I share the results with you. If you deprive your weird child of green beans for a few weeks, she will be so happy to see them at Boston Market that she will start shoveling them into her mouth before you are able to so much as sit down. She will not pause to chew because that would get in the way of the green bean shoveling. She will be able to comfortably fit 17 green beans in her Toddler mouth, but IF she attempts to go for 18, then it's all over. Her gag reflux will be triggered and you will get to show everyone just how great a job she did of chewing that Strawberry Shredded Wheat earlier in the day, and how craptacular of a job she was doing of chewing those green beans. An important aside, she will resume shoveling food just as soon as she is cleaned up, so make sure to cut the green beans into teeny tiny pieces before wiping all the vomit off yourself. Otherwise, you will be inviting an opportunity to once again verify that 17 is the maximum capacity of a Toddler mouth.

Don't you feel smarter now?

Public Service Announcement 1.04: Psst . . . I Know You're Talking About Me

One of my skills in life is knowing when people have been talking about me. I don't know how most of the time, I just know. I'm also really good at managing to interrupt the gossip. I can tell you how I know when you've been doing it online, though. I get emails sent to me anytime a web page links to burghbaby.com. Here's how you can spy on other bloggers as well:

1. Go to Google Alerts.
2. In the Search Terms field, enter the url of your blog.
3. Leave the Type as Comprehensive.
4. Tell it how often to notify you that someone is talking about you. I have Daily selected.
5. Enter the email address you want the alert sent to.
6. Click Create Alert.

If you use Blogger but publish to a .com address or use any other redirects, you may want to set up an alert for both addresses since you'll only get a Google Alert on exact matches of your search term. For example, the actual address that I publish to is www.theburghbaby.com, but you can also type www.burghbaby.com to get to my blog. Even though both addresses go to the same place, the Google Alert doesn't know they are really the same thing. So, if I want alerts for everything pointed to me, regardless of which url someone uses, then I need to set up an alert for both.