Drama Queen

It's spring break, which basically means I'm inches away from crawling under my desk and rocking back and forth in the fetal position in an attempt to recover from all the things my children have put me through lately. They're pros at driving me to the brink and having a WHOLE week of free time to do it is ... oof.

That's the short explanation for why all they have to do is say, "Should we go get ice cream?" and I'm like EVERYBODY IN THE CAR NOW. I can drown my sorrows in a scoop of turtle ice cream, ya'll. It's a healthy outlet.

As we were returning from an ice cream trip this evening, I realized that one of Mila's favorite playgrounds is pretty directly along the way. I figured I would loop through, give her 20 minutes to play, and then go back to wanting to hide from both girls. As we were on the way there, I keep telling Mila to put away her phone (technically it's more like a miniature iPad because it's an old phone that doesn't have service). I wanted her to focus on eating, not playing with the talking cat she has been obsessed with lately.

I reminded her.

I reminded her again.

Her ice cream sat there melting.

As I pulled into the park with the playground, a sprinkle dripped off the top of her ice cream and on to the seat. And that was it. That was the sprinkle that broke me. "Well, I was going to let you play, but since you can't follow directions, we'll just go home."

Let it be known, Mila is the Queen of F**k Around and Find Out. She flatly ignores warnings all the time with the full intention of getting exactly what she wants anyway.

NOT THIS TIME.

I meant it. I was going to be nice, but I don't have to be nice, so we drove through the park and headed home.

Mila was LIVID. She started screaming and crying and basically she threw a toddler-sized fit while wearing a 7-year old body. It was the fittiest of fits. So dramatic. So mad. So screamy.

Not helping matters was the wise-ass 16-year old who could NOT stop laughing. I kept glaring at her, but she found it absolutely hilarious that Mila thought screaming was going to get her anywhere. There was a lot of ass-vice floating around in the car, most of it in the variety of, "Have you met mom? Yelling doesn't work on her."

I took that particular comment as a compliment, for what it's worth.

The fit went on and on and I just drove home because nooooope. That's not how you get your way. Besides, the sun had started to set and the window of kindness that I had open was closing rapidly. We made it all the way to the road that leads to our neighborhood before Mila finally calmed down.

But then she said a thing that made both Alexis and I laugh so hard that we re-triggered a fit. Whoops? I think? I mean, am I not supposed to laugh when my 7-year old says, "I pulled my life together and it was for NOTHING!" with all the drama of a telenova?

I definitely laughed.

What Comes Around, Goes Around

There is plenty of evidence that Alexis is rapidly turning into me. As in, she didn't have to wait until she had kids of her own before she starting saying the things I say every day. Just ask her if you can eat a snack in the car. After she spent two hours cleaning it this weekend (...Without me asking, mind you. Clearly she's up to something.), she is now running around yelling, "Don't you dare spill a single drop of anything!" Which, hi, I say that a lot. "Don't you dare..." is sort of my blanket threat for all things.

ANYWAY.

Now there's Mila.

I work from home. After 2+ years of doing so, the odds of me ever permanently setting foot inside an office are hahahalolnope. There is a very long list of reasons why working remotely is The Absolute Best, but way low on the list is the fact that I can gather all the good things in life around my desk and nobody will ever know. Does that mean there is candy hidden in my desk? Absolutely. I have all of the best pens just sitting here, not being stolen. I also have lip balm within reach at all times.

How cool is that? I'm being serious. I don't have to bury it in my purse or a desk drawer or anything. I can just leave it sitting out! Like some sort of lip balm monster!

I even have the good stuff. Forget Chapstick, I invested in myself.

Forever ago.

I don't remember to buy those sorts of things, so I ran out of the good stuff something like two weeks ago. It was at that time that I learned that I am truly dependent on that little addiction. Rather than waiting until I remembered to buy more, I raided Mila's supply.

So, Santa delivers those ridiculous packages of Chapstick/lip balm/whatever every year at Christmas. The kid is ADDICTED to the stuff and goes through it as if it's the tastiest snack in all the land. Which, maybe it is? I don't know what she does with it. I just know that she absolutely can't be allowed near mine because she will destroy a little tube of the stuff in just a few days. Santa delivers something like a 20-pack, Mila hides it in her bedroom until it runs out around April or May, and all is well until the next Christmas.

It's REALLY not the good stuff. Usually it's scented or filled with glitter or obnoxious colors or all of the above. This year's supply was DEFINITELY all of the above, so when I went hunting for Mila's stash, I knew I would have to be selective. I rejected probably 5 or 6 tubes for either having LITERAL TEETH MARKS or being a color that would be detectable even during a Zoom meeting. I'm not over here trying to be the utmost of professionals, but I don't need lime green glitter on my mouth either, y'know? Eventually I settled on a light pink that would do the trick.

It was a solid week before I was busted for stealing Mila's lip balm. I don't know how she noticed it (the kid rarely enters my office and when she does, it's to deliver a ransom note and then run away). I was in the middle of a meeting when she glared, stomped over to the little tube of lip balm, put her hands on her hips, and said, "What is this?"

SO BUSTED.

I finished up my meeting and prepared to face some consequences. I tried to explain that I borrowed it, blah, blah, blah, somewhere in there I was reminded that -I- was not the one who bought it all, Santa was. And then. AND THEN.

"Mom. We do not take other people's things without their permission. YOU KNOW BETTER."

My goodness, she stole that exact line from me. How do you argue with yourself when you have suddenly morphed into a tiny blond 7-year old?

Whatchamacallit Eggs

I'm not entirely sure why the universe fails to properly recognize this fact, but Whatchamacallits are the best candy bar. Ever. EVER. Chocolate, peanut butter, Rice Krispies, and caramel. I mean, WHAT? That's perfection right there.

And that's the short story that explains why lately I've been messing around with the concept of a Whatchamacallit in basically every form imaginable. I'm sure some of those things will make it here, but first, Whatchamacallit Eggs!

Yes, I said Whatchamacallit Eggs.

Whatchamacallit Eggs

1/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup powdered sugar
1 1/2 cup Rice Krispies
Rolos
1 1/2 cup melting chocolate
Sprinkles (optional)

1. Using a mixer, combine the butter and peanut butter until creamy. Then add in the vanilla and mix some more.

2. Slowly add the powdered sugar.

3. Stir in the Rice Krispies, or use your hands to mush them in. Just don't use the mixer because it won't work well and you'll end up with a mess.

4. Rolo time! Unwrap them. I got about 24 eggs out of this recipe, but you may get more or less depending on how big you make the eggs.

5. Take a little scoop of peanut butter stuff and make a little ball. It should be about 3/4" across. Once you have your little ball, smoosh it flat and stick a Rolo on top of it.

6. Now fold the sides of the peanut butter up over the Rolo.

7. Mush and shape the peanut butter around the Rolo until you have a little egg. Repeat all that until you run out of peanut butter stuff.

8. Refrigerate the eggs.

9. Melt the chocolate. I prefer to use these melting wafers and a little crock pot, but you do what you like.

10. Dip time! Dip the eggs in the melted chocolate then place them on wax paper to allow the chocolate to set.

11. If you'd like, decorate the eggs with sprinkles.

12. See how many you can eat in one sitting. It's a contest. GO!