Surprise

It has been a long time since I was surprised by a report card.

That is ENTIRELY because the oldest child of this household is predictable. She is so predictable that I haven't looked at her report card since ... I don't remember. Maybe 4th grade? I don't need to. I know exactly what her report card says. Plus, because she is who she is, the kid logs into the grading system and reads me every detail for every class and how she got there. She almost got a low 'A' in one class because she accidentally skipped a question on a quiz, but the teacher let her fix it and another teacher gave everyone extra credit opportunities and she talked yet another teacher into raising her grade for some reason or other and ... and ... and. Lots of details are provided.

Also, that kid really does negotiate grades with teachers, and she does so successfully. I've not decided whether to be proud or mortified by the practice.

ANYWAY. That brings us to the other kid. She can't tell me what she did ten minutes ago, so she's certainly nowhere near reporting anything that has to do with grades to me. The odds of Mila even remembering that she took a test are zilch. She "forgets" to do her homework nearly daily. Every single morning she is newly surprised that she needs to get her backpack ready for school. Is she supposed to go to the bus stop? She can't remember.

My point is that the kid lives in the moment. 100%. She doesn't consider the future and she certainly doesn't dwell on the past. Now is where the party is happening.

Thus, I logged into the grading system and perused her report card today.

I wasn't surprised that she's doing just fine in every class. That is to be expected. I was surprised to see one particular comment.

"Mila always comes to class fully prepared."

HUH?

WHAT?

WHO?

There's been some sort of mistake.

Meyer Lemon Cheesecake Bars

There are a few things that I MUST buy if I spot them in the grocery store. Key Limes are at the top of that list, followed very closely by Meyer Lemons. By "followed closely" I mean PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO CHOOSE JUST ONE. If they're both there, I'm buying them both. It's just a fact.

I love Meyer Lemons for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that they taste amazing. They're a cross between mandarin oranges and lemons, so they're a little bit lemony, but without the tart. Another fun thing about them is that you can use every little bit of them when baking. The zest, the juice, it's all good.

Especially in cheesecake form.

I'm not ambitious enough to dig out the springform pan lately, so I've been playing with cheesecake bars instead. Combining Meyer Lemons with a cheesecake bar was a work of pure genius, I must admit. What wasn't genius is that I didn't write down what I did the first time I made them, so WHOOPS, I had to make them again. And then more time just to be sure.

It's science. Go with me on this.

Meyer Lemon Cheesecake Bars

1 stick butter
2 cups graham cracker crumbs
2 8-oz packages cream cheese (room temperature)
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup Meyer Lemon juice
2 teaspoons grated Meyer Lemon zest
Meyer Lemon zest for garnish

1. Place the stick of butter in a 13x9" glass dish and stick it in the oven. Turn the oven on to 350 degrees. You're melting the butter while warming up the oven.

2. Once the butter is melted, swish it in the pan until the sides and bottom of the pan are coated. Then sprinkle the graham cracker crumbs into the pan evenly.

3. Let the crust bake for 5-7 minutes at 350 degrees. When it's just barely lightly browned, move it to the freezer until you're ready to put the cheesecake filling on it.

4. To make the cheesecake filling, start by combining the cream cheese and sugar using an electric mixer and medium speed. Mix them until creamy, about 3-5 minutes.

5. Add the eggs one at a time, mixing constantly.

6. Add the cornstarch and vanilla extract, mixing constantly.

7. Add the lemon juice. Mix.

8. Finally, add in the lemon zest and mix some more.

9. Carefully spread the cheesecake mixture over the cooked crust. Use a spatula to evenly spread it out, if necessary.

10. Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until the top just barely begins to brown. Remove from heat, garnish with lemon zest, and place the whole pan on a cooling rack for at least an hour. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.

Huh?

It's that time of the year, so of course I spent my entire weekend at a dance competition. Some very important lessons were learned, including I CAN NOT PEOPLE ANYMORE.

I mean, seriously.

I have always been bad at small talk and bad at faking extrovert (other than at work - I use all my faking it superpowers there). I am VERY bad at those things now that we're two years into a pandemic. I have managed to remain a stranger to most of the dance moms, but when one tried to make small talk with me? Oh boy. It was soooo ugly. Apparently that thing that some people do where they try to impress you with little humblebrags is annoying? At least I find it annoying. And I have no patience. I also refuse to engage with them, so it makes for a very one-sided conversation. Basically, I am a jerk and need to learn how to be in a conversation without being a jerk.

At least that mom won't be trying to talk to me again? Maybe that's the upside?

ANYWAY.

Peopling is stupid, and that is something that applies in SO many ways.

The scene: a few dances before this one. (Alexis is one of the flying tumblers. At one point she's dancing, but hell if I can pick her out.)

So basically, I was a hostage. I wanted to see the flying tumbler, but had to sit through performances by kids I don't know from cities that are not my own. One of those performances featured very small children, perhaps 5 or 6 years old, dancing while dressed like sexy chickens.

Go ahead and reread those last few words. They're totally true! The girls were wearing tiny little bottoms, bra tops, and head pieces that were definitely intended to make them look like sexy chickens. There were a lot of feathers involved. You're welcome for the visual.

Imma gonna make it better.

The tiny sexy chickens were shaking their asses. As in, full-on twerking. I don't remember what music they were doing this to because my brain refuses to memorize that many atrocities at once, but it did not tie together the whole thing. I suppose there is no way to tie together sexy chickens and twerking anyway, so why bother? Bring on the ass shaking!

IT GETS BETTER.

The studio that the girls go to is really super good about cheering for each other. I am laying out a compliment here, so don't read it as anything else. The whole studio watches each other and they cheer loudly for one another and it is good.

Mostly.

For reasons that I do not at all comprehend, the group of moms that were sitting way too close to me were cheering on the sexy chickens by screeching, "YAAAAAAS QUEEEN!" You need to read that in the high-pitched, nasally voice that every teen girl says it in because that is the tone of voice the grown-ass white women were using.

Call me crazy, but "YAAAAS QUEEN!" is not what comes to mind when I see tiny sexy chickens twerking on a stage. Mostly I think, "Huh?"

I'm still thinking that.

I am still so very confused.

And can't wait for the next dance competition! Maybe I'll get to see some sexy monkeys twerking this time!