Veggie Fajitas

I really have no use for most of the kitchen gadgets that many people swear by. Fancy stand mixer? Meh. Gimme my cheap hand mixer. Bread maker? No, thanks. I have hands. They know how to make bread and they don't take up space on my kitchen counter. Food processor? Umm...want mine? Because we received a fancy KitchenAid food processor for a wedding gift and I've used it precisely twice.

This past week was the third time in way-too-freakin-many-years that I had dusted the cobwebs off of it and put it to use.

I blame Alexis. She mentioned tortillas and I had a moment of insanity.

But then I ditched the food processor because it just wasn't working for me. The first hint was the thin coat of flour that covered every inch of my kitchen. The second hint was that I was twitching because I really do prefer to work with my hands.

So I did.

My hands made flour tortillas from scratch and then they busted out some veggies and tofu and made fajitas. TRY THAT, YOU STUPID FOOD PROCESSOR.

Ahem.

The flour tortillas were crazy easy to make. I started with four cups of flour, four tablespoons of cold butter (cubed), two teaspoons of salt, and two teaspoons of baking powder. I threw them all in a bowl and mixed them up WITH MY HANDS.

The flour mixture didn't quite look like cornmeal like it should have, so I added one more tablespoon of butter. Sometimes you have to ignore the measurements in recipes and go with your gut. My gut was screaming at me to add more butter. My gut was right this time, which probably means I did a crappy job of measuring the flour. Oh well! It worked out perfectly in the end.

Once the flour mixture looked right, I made a hole in the middle and poured in one and a half cups of skim milk.

Then I mashed it all up WITH MY HANDS. (I'm yelling so my food processor hears me.) (I know I'm out of my mind. You don't really need to tell me.) The dough started out a little sticky, but after a few minutes, it turned into a perfect ball of dough.

Then I divided that big ball of dough into 24 little balls of dough.

And each one of those balls got rolled out into a cute little tortilla.

There should be a photograph here. There isn't because I was too busy rolling out tortillas to pick up the camera. I hope you'll forgive me.

Once the 24 little flour tortillas were rolled out, they each took turns in a hot skillet. I cooked them each for about a minute on one side and about 30 seconds on the other. There wasn't any oil in the pan or anything. Just cute little flour tortillas.

They turned out perfectly.

I always forget how easy tortillas are to make.

Flour Tortillas

4 cups all-purpose flour
4 tablespoons cold butter, cubed
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1.5-2 cups of milk

Throw the flour, butter, salt, and baking powder into a large mixing bowl and squish and toss and mix it with your hands, being careful to not grope the butter too much because it needs to stay cold. If you grope it, it might melt. No melty butter, please!

Once the flour mixture looks like cornmeal, hollow out a space in the middle of your bowl of flour and pour in 1.5 cups of milk. Squish it with your hands until it turns into a nice dough that sticks to itself, but not to your hands. If it seems too dry, add more milk. If it seems too moist, add more flour. Follow your gut. Your gut is smart.

Divide the large dough ball into 24 small dough balls. Allow the dough to rest for about ten minutes and then roll out each tortilla. The tortillas should be about 8" across and about 1/16" thick. The thinner you can get them, the better.

Heat a large skillet (or griddle). You aren't putting any oil or anything in the pan, so to test to see if it's hot enough, splash a few drops of water into the pan. If it sizzles, you're good to go.

Place your first rolled out tortilla into the skillet. Allow it to cook for about one minute. Flip it and cook it on the other side for about 30 seconds. The tortillas should look like this:

Perfection, no?

What's that? They aren't perfectly round? ... And? Personally I like them better when they aren't perfect. "Perfect" doesn't give you happy accidents like this one.

Which brings me to the stuff that goes inside the fajita. I hesitate to call this a recipe because it's really whatever I have on hand, but I do have a preference. I personally hate when I order fajitas at a restaurant and they are nothing but onions and peppers. At home, I make sure there is way more to them. My favorite ingredient list:

Veggie Fajitas

1 package extra firm tofu (cubed)
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon cilantro, finely chopped
1 clove garlic
1 carrot, thinly sliced
Juice from one lime
1 red pepper, chopped
1 medium onion, chopped
1 small zucchini, thinly sliced
1/2 cup chopped spinach (I used frozen this time, but use fresh when I have it)
1/3 cup corn (again with the frozen this time, but canned or fresh would work)
Shredded cheese
Sour cream

Like I said, this isn't so much a recipe as it is a list of things that get thrown into a large skillet together and cooked over medium heat until they are however soft you want them. The only real trick is knowing what order to work in. Start with whatever will take the longest to cook and work your way towards the quicker cooking stuff.

Which is to say, start with the protein. You might want chicken or beef or whatever, but we like tofu. Go ahead, mock us. We can handle it. (If you do use dead animal for your protein, drain off the fat before you start adding vegetables. Us tofu people don't have any fat to drain, so we have to add the olive oil with the tofu to prevent sticking.) Throw the cilantro in with your protein.

Next up, the carrots. I don't like mine crunchy when I'm eating fajitas, so they need a while to cook. The carrots get joined by the garlic after a minute or two.

After that I add the red pepper. Then I squeeze the lime juice in before adding the onion, zucchini, spinach, and corn.

I can't really tell you how long it will take for your vegetables to be perfect. That depends on your definition of "perfect" and your stove. For me it takes about 20 minutes from the time I throw the tofu in the skillet until I turn off the heat.

Once the vegetables are done, you stuff some in a flour tortilla and top with shredded cheese and sour cream.

My fajitas have always been crazy good. Adding homemade flour tortillas made them CRAZY GOOD OMG ::DROOL::

No joke.

The Enemy Has Two Wings and a Very Loud Beak

As if this year didn't already have enough challenges, I have a new enemy.

The new enemy has been doing THAT for nearly two weeks now. Every day.

Every. Single. Day.

It starts at about 6:30 am and goes on and on and on and on and tap tap tap tap tap tap SMASH.

All day.

I'm not entirely new to this internet thing, so I already did my so-called homework. I am here to declare the bird behavioral experts LIARS. ALL OF THEM. That doucheface is not seeing his reflection in the window and attacking "the threat" to his partner and nest. That doucheface IS the threat. He clearly has decided that his one true love lives inside our house.

I have tried literally every recommendation the internet has offered up. There's highlighter grids drawn everywhere and paper on the windows and wind chimes in the yard and whirligigs creating chaos all around and basically the front of our house very closely resembles a circle.

You know what all that got me? This. We escalated to this.

THAT IS NOT BETTER. AND LOOK HOW BAD THAT BIRD WANTS TO BE INSIDE MY HOUSE.

Y'all should know that this whole thing is an extra special challenge because that particular window is HUGE and also REALLY HIGH UP. There was a point very early in the day last week when I was standing on my tiptoes two steps above the "don't climb higher than this" labels on a ladder while in my pajamas  so I could hang paper on as much of the window as I could reach. I'm sure my neighbors thought it was damn sexy. The good news is that it's probably for the best that they were staring because nobody was home but me. I need witnesses if I'm going to fall to my death while battling with a robin.

While I'm losing to a robin, that is. LOSING.

I've tried cayenne pepper. I've lined the entire window with American Girl dolls creepily staring out. I've turned the giant chandelier on. I've turned the giant chandelier off. I've slammed the front door over and over. I've sent Mila to chase the enemy while screaming at the top of her lungs. I've let Alexis throw stuffed animals at the window. I've ran the Roomba in the room right inside that window for hours on end. I've blasted music through the Nest doorbell below the window. I've chased the robin with a drone. I've ... done everything.

Including lose my mind because tap tap tap tap tap SMASH.

If you have ideas of new ways I can create chaos that involves making a bird madder than I already am, please share.

Pretty please.

Carino's Chicken and Sausage Skilletini (Vegetarian Style)

I know it's uncool to like a chain restaurant, but sometimes these things just can't be helped. Forgive me, people, for I love Carino's.

Before you lynch me, though, hear me out. Warm bread? IS ALWAYS A WINNER. And so is pasta. Seriously, I have never met a pasta I didn't like. Carbs are like little tiny molecules of joy and deliciousness. Mmmm....carbs.

Anyway, I have a habit of duplicating dishes from some of our favorite restaurants, but there's always a twist. I always turn them into vegetarian dishes. You could very easily un-vegetarianize this recipe if you want just be switching out the soy-based things.

Carino's Chicken and Sausage Skilletini

At Carino's they deliver this to the table hot and sizzling in a cast iron skillet. Sadly, I'm not cool enough to have a bunch of little cast iron skillets lying around, so we have to slum it and eat it off of a plate. Please don't judge me for my slummy ways.

There actually isn't much to this dish. This is 85% of what you'll need:

Remember, you could easily substitute in real chicken and Italian sausage, if you want. If you like the lower fat fun that comes with the vegetarian twist, I tend to think Morningstar Chik'n Strips and Yves Italian Sausages work well. You'll also need some roma tomatoes (or canned tomatoes!), a large white onion, a green pepper, some spaghetti noodles, and several spices. We'll get into specifics in a bit.

You're going to start by making your very own tomato sauce. It's your choice whether you use fresh or canned tomatoes. Seriously. You pick. I won't be bothered by it no matter what you decide. You're just going to sauté some finely chopped onions in a little olive oil, add some garlic, throw in your tomatoes, and then season with basil, salt, pepper, and sugar. That simmers for a bit, you add some cream, and you'll end up with some really fantastic tomato sauce.

Pretend there is a photo of tomato sauce here, mmkay? I sort of forgot to take one. WHOOPS.

While the sauce is simmering, you'll cook your spaghetti according to the directions on the box. Once that is started, cook up your meats. I follow the directions on the backs of the packages.

Once the meats are cooked, set them aside and reuse the same skillet to cook up the onions and peppers.

Start by sautéing the green pepper for 3-5 minutes in a little olive oil. Then add a white onion and sauté until everything is nice and soft.

Then throw the meats in with the vegetables.

And finally, throw everything into one skillet and let it bond and have fun and all of that.

It's good. Very good. For otherworldly excellence, throw some parmesan cheese on top. You won't regret it.

Carino's Chicken and Sausage Skilletini

Sauce
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 cup finely chopped onions
2 cups chopped tomatoes (If using fresh, use Roma. Peel and de-seed them before chopping.)
1 teaspoon dried basil (If using fresh, use 1 tablespoon)
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons heavy cream

Good Stuff
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 package Morningstar Chik'n Strips
1 package Yves Zesty Italian Sausage
1 green pepper, sliced
1 large white onion, sliced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon Cajun spice

Optional
Red Pepper Flakes
Tabasco Sauce

1/2 box spaghetti noodles, cooked

Sauce

1. In a large skillet, heat the oil.

2. Sauté the onion until clear.

3. Add the chopped tomatoes, basil, salt, pepper, and sugar. Simmer on medium/low heat until the tomatoes break down completely, about 15-20 minutes.

4. Add the cream and stir thoroughly.

Good Stuff

(Note: Start cooking the spaghetti noodles after you start the sauce, but before you start the Good Stuff. The timing should come out pretty close.)

1. Prepare the sausage and chik'n in a large skillet according to the directions on the package.

2. Set aside.

3. Using the same large skillet, heat the oil over medium/low heat and then sauté the pepper for 3-5 minutes.

4. Add the sliced white onion and garlic. Sauté until the onion is clear and the peppers are soft.

5. Toss the meats back into the skillet. Stir to combine.

6. Add the Cajun spice. (If you want the dish spicy, this is when to add the pepper flakes and Tabasco sauce.)

7. Add the tomato sauce to your Good Stuff. Stir, stir, stir.

8. Drain the spaghetti noodles and then add to the big skillet. Stir, stir, stir.

9. Sauté the whole thing, spaghetti noodles and all, for 3 minutes. Serve with shredded parmesan cheese.