A Near Death Experience

Sweat threatened to pour down my face as I made my way through the parking lot. I'm always over-dressed for the weather in the summer. It's an occupational hazard, of sorts. I assumed that since the mercury was pushing 90 degrees, my adventure down the office supply aisle at Wal-Mart would be a quick one. I mean, who else is trying to buy crayons this time of year?

One hint . . . CRAZY PEOPLE.

As I made my way past the pens and towards the Crayola stuff, a little girl with bright blond hair stepped in front of me. Suddenly, there were five more just like her moving at light speed down the aisle. Trailing behind was a woman who looked to be ten years younger than me, but I have to assume she was actually the mother of the six nearly identical humans who now stood between me and my precious crayons. I have to assume she was the mother because I heard the eerily-similar-in-appearance-but-clearly-of-varying-ages kids call her, "Mom." It was clever of me to piece that all together, wasn't it?

The oldest of the not-twins looked to be teetering on the edge of teenage angst as she pointed to what appeared to be the group's motivation for cutting me off--the 24 packs of Crayola crayons. I was there to buy as many as possible as they are only 25 cents and I needed them for Do Good Day. There were easily two dozen boxes just sitting there waiting for me to snatch them up, but the Blond Brigade stood in my way, threatening to scoop up MY crayons before I could.

And they did. Blond Kid #3 grabbed every last box and tossed them over my head and into the cart his mom was pushing.

I might have cussed them out.

In my head.

But maybe a little bit out loud.

Once I regained my wits and stopped spewing four-letter words, I realized that I should be sprinting towards the barely stocked school supply aisle before the Blond Brigade stole all of my stuff from there, too. I've always thought it was ridiculous that school supplies start popping up before the last of the fireworks burns out, but for once, I was going to make use of that silly aisle. I knew it wouldn't be even close to fully stocked because, c'mon, this was Wal-Mart. The only thing well-stocked about a PA Wal-Mart is that one super narrow aisle filled with breakables that you absolutely must navigate with a huge cart and a meandering toddler with noodly arms.

I dodged and I weaved, I ducked and I hopped, and somehow, I managed to find myself surrounded by boxes of notebooks and pens and pencils in such in just a matter of moments. I quickly glanced around, now on high-alert and willing to get a little aggressive. I had learned my lesson, after all. It was a game of first come/first served, and I was determined to win.

As I turned my head left to right, a bright light suddenly shone down directly on the green box of my dreams. As the chorus of angels broke out into song, I was pulled towards the box, it's strong gravitational pull too much for me to resist.

There sat an entire case of crayons.

Panic suddenly set in as I realized there were now at least a dozen people standing in the aisle with me. Some of them seemed to have dressed especially for school supply hunting season as they donned camouflage and Kevlar vests and probably carried knives. I lunged for the case of crayons, just narrowly beating a feisty looking brunette to them.

As I hugged the case close to my chest, The Feisty Mom began sizing me up. I'm pretty sure she was trying to decide whether to cut me or shoot me. "Are you going to buy all of those?" she asked, her voice cracking with disapproval.

"Um, yeah. I need them for a charity project," I replied. It was mostly the truth. Not a single box of those crayons is staying in this house, anyway.

The Feisty Mom glared at me, surely trying to use her mind to manipulate me.

I turned and ran as fast as I could, narrowly dodging the mental bullets she shot at my back. "But, MOOOOOM. I need crayons for school," I heard her son call out.

IN JULY, PEOPLE.

I'm really very sorry, young man, but you will survive if you don't have all of your school supplies purchased two months before school starts. I realize your mom can't wait to get your butt out of the house every day, but C'MON. A box of crayons really doesn't justify homicide. Not in July, anyway.

If this is what back-to-school shopping is like, I might have to procure every supply Alexis will need for the rest of her life now. I don't think I can survive school supply battleground every single year.

Comments

[Ginger]

You arn't joking...had I known that those 25 cent packs were out, we would have scooped some up last time we were there! Those are like gold, and fly off the shelves. By the BEGINNING of August getting school supplies is like pulling teeth. Most places keep things stocked through August, but the closer you get to the beginning of the school year, the more they jack up the price. Or only the more expensive items are left. And if you need uniform shorts, you had better stock up in the summer, and early, otherwise by September 1st, you will NOT find them anywhere. My daughter needs long navy walking shorts for her school, and I didn't buy enough last year as it was warm into November, and couldn't even find them at the outlets in September. I've already bought uniforms for next month...crazy i know. I'm not sure how I've become the "prepared" mom or the "morning" mom, but I have, and it's frightening!
Congrats on the crayon score, can't wait to see all the good being done tomorrow!!

[Kelley]

oh girl, you will soon learn.

A couple of years back I thought, meh, I will wait till the week before school starts.

Nearly EVERYTHING was on back order, we got it weeks after school started back and I paid 10 times the sale price.

Start buying NOW!

[Sherri]

Funny ..... and frightening ;-). I am just starting to calm down a bit this summer after tennis and swimming lessons, various week-long preschool camps, etc. and - yes - I'm starting to get parents asking me if I have bought school uniforms yet or if I've looked at supply lists ..... The answer(s)? No and no. Seems like..... um ... maybe I should start.....

[mattieflap]

Holy crap. I'm glad you told me this now so that I can be aware for the future. I'm also glad I signed up (and paid $4) to have everything my kid would need in school supplies waiting on his desk when he gets to school on the first day.

Who knew that school supplies could be just as cutthroat as the blowout sale at a bridal salon?

[Roxy]

I've school shopped at Walmart every year and was always able to still get those crayons and more in August. July is when it's gone. When they first put it out everyone goes crazy.

It drives me nuts as the kids always need special stuff I didn't think of buying.

I was the crazy lady every year with a cart full of crayons, markers, paint, etc when I volunteered. Couldn't beat the prices! This will be the first year I'm not doing that so it's a tad bit if a relief.

[James Bainbridge]

HA! Sounds like Do Good Day wasn't happening yesterday at Walmart.

I'm sending Samantha to school with her giant box of busted ass naked crayons. They still color just fine.

Okay. Maybe I won't but it's tempting.

[Jen]

Walmart is scary normally. Throw in back to school shopping, and I would have to be medicated.

[Jenn]

Um...do I need to by supplies for my kid? He's going to junior kindergarten...same as Alexis, no? Should I be putting on my boxing gloves and heading to Walmart? The school didn't tell us we needed to send anything at all!

[red pen mama]

*groan*

I better get my butt to a Target or Wal-Mart then. After I poach the craft drawer for crayons and markers to send with Kate.

[No Princesses Here]

We got Eva into a preschool for this year and did the whole potty training thing in preparation......and yet somehow it only occurred to me this week that we'd have back to school shopping to do for September. (Or in our case, "to school" shopping.) We haven't gotten any kind of supplies list yet, and now it's making me a little twitchy. What if I have to fight people for crayons?! I guess that's where my kickboxing/MMA training will come in handy! Look out people, I know how to deliver a roundhouse and throw 'bows! (Not that I'd actually do that. Ahem.)

[mattieflap]

@Jenn - Junior Kindergarten? I've never heard of that. what is it and how does it differ from preschool?

[Karen]

I just spent $8 on book covers (at 80 cents each) because last year we ended up buying off Ebay for Top Dollar Plus Your Firstborn's Offspring. We waited too long. I'll probably go back and buy more, because that's only 5 per kid. Why do people have to be so crazy?

[wendy]

And this is hysterical to me because I just posted about our school shopping yesterday. And...there were NO Crayola brand crayons to be found in our store. We had to go for the cheaper ones (which were twenty cents per box). The Girl balked at such a faux pas, but I assured her they would work almost as well. It was CRAZY!

[Nicole T.]

Okay, two points about this... When I was younger I was always the kind of kid that dragged my mom to Walmart and Target to buy school supplies in July. And then would pack and repack my bookbag over and over again until I thought I had everything in exactly the precise place that I needed it. (Yeah I was THAT kid).

Then I went to college.

When I was in college (especially after I moved out of my parents house) I had to go supplies shopping on my own (notebooks, graph paper, pens... because everyone knows when you move out on your own there is NEVER a pen when you need it, let alone in a 15 mile radius) and whatnot. I ventured into Walmart 3 (yes three) weeks after classes began and it was EMPTY. Nothing. It was like I was between enemy lines in the school supplies section. Rampant kids trying to scrounge for the last Dora the Explora folder and no graph paper on this side of the Mason Dixon.

Moral of the story... Going in July, beats having to send your daughter back to school with the Transformers folder (cause that's what ended up happening to me).

[Christine]

Were these kids all wearing matching yellow shirts? Because I was in walmart yesterday and saw a group much like this in the toy section and the mom actually walked away and forgot one of them!!

[facie]

Once again proving Walmart is like the seventh circle of hell.

I got a box of crayolas at "everything is 5 bucks or under" or some store like that a couple weeks ago. I did not realize parents/kids went that crazy about supplies, particularly that early (my kid is going into second grade). At the risk of having to tackle people or get tackled myself, I would rather buy what I can when I can even if that means I will spend a few more bucks in the long run. It is not as if these kids need 30 different things that each cost $5.

[Katie in MA]

School supplies make me happy. :) Wish I'd known you needed crayons - I can't help myself when the school supplies come out and I always overbuy!

[Roger]

The battles will only get more epic as Alexis gets older. You know those calculators that are always on the shelf - the special scientific ones for high school math classes? They seem to disappear in July, and return in October, except for a couple that pop up every now and again. The faces these parents make when they see one of these magical calculating devices is downright scary, and I swear, some of the parents will and do bite, hard. We learned quickly, and give them as Christmas presents, the year before they require them (yeah we are fun like that, you should stop by sometime).

And to answer that unasked question... yes, we're already done. Bring on the Christmas decorations, who needs Halloween anyway. ;)

[domestic extraordinaire]

its scary out there, what's scarier is the fact that the stuff all goes on clearance THE DAY they START school. Like you know, when we actually get their lists(for the older kids anyways)