This is My Life

As Alexis and I blew into the kitchen, I glanced over at the saltwater tank. The light was still off, which meant we were ahead of schedule. I let out a little, "HUZZAH!" as I rushed to grab Alexis her shoes, toss her breakfast into a bowl, and find our way out the door. I was on a mission to be on time, or even early. Considering I am perpetually late, it was asking a bit much. But the light was still off!

I skipped feeding the fish since their house was still dark and started shooing all the cats and dogs down into the basement. Do not pity the four-legged beasts for spending their days in our dungeon. It's fully finished and affords them more space than they had at our old house. In fact, you could fit the entire place down there and have a little room to spare.

I turned around just in time to see Alexis taking her shoes back off. She had only worn them for a second, so with a sigh, I asked, "Why are you taking your shoes off?"

"Because my socks are on the wrong feet," she replied in a tone that implied "DUH!"

She slooooooowly swapped the very-much-so-identical socks from one foot to the other, put her shoes back on, and then proclaimed that she needed to find her purse.

"We're going to be late, Alexis. Get your purse after school," I told her.

That went over well. Real well. I'd like to thank the 80135 random strangers who have told her she looks cute carrying a purse for just how well that went. I'd also like to thank the Academy because somehow it's their fault that Alexis is such a good actress. If you had seen her in that moment, you would have thought her best friend had punched her in the face.

I sighed again as I walked over to the family room where I knew she had left her purse. She was lucky I hadn't thrown it away since I have zero tolerance for her leaving her crap in the family room. She knew it because she happily exclaimed, "Thank you! You're the best momma ever!"

I started to shoo her down the stairs and then realized the kitten had found her way back upstairs. I scurried after her as Alexis slowly descended the stairs. With everybody finally in the basement, I closed the door at the top of the stairs and made my way down.

We were still running ahead of schedule, even with the attempted jail break by the cat and Alexis' various attempts to derail me.

And then we weren't ahead of schedule anymore.

It started with Alexis opening the door and Cody running outside. He has gotten it into his head that he should only enter the house when he will be rewarded with treats. He will stand outside that door for hours starting straight at you so that you know he hears you, but defiantly refusing to actually listen.

I walked over to the dog treat jar and jingled it, knowing full well he wouldn't be willing to risk staying outside once he heard that noise. He came running in just as I said, "SUCKA! Have a nice day, you little meat head." I rushed through the door, locking it behind me.

Alexis stood patiently by the car, waiting for me to let her in. I opened her door and asked her to put her seatbelt on while I piled our stuff in the front seat. She, of course, agreed to do so, but then got distracted by shiny lip gloss and totally forgot she was given any sort of instructions. I finally got her buckled in and quickly surveyed the yard to make sure Powder, our fat-old-man of a cat, hadn't escaped. He's not allowed to be an outdoor cat, but after 14 years, that fact has yet to make it through to his tiny little brain.

I didn't see him anywhere, so I buckled up and started to pull out of the driveway. Just as I was about to pull out of the driveway, the bright white blob of a cat appeared from behind the grill. I slammed the car into park and grabbed the house key, intent on tossing him back inside.

Powder caught sight of me before I even got close enough to yell at him. Proving that he knows better than to try to escape, he ran as fast as his blubbery belly would let him for the door. I opened it just wide enough for him to squeeze through, but then Cody decided it was all a big invitation for him to go back outside.

Again with the treat trick to get him back in. And . . . again with the damn cat escaping out the door.

Finally, ten minutes later, everybody who was supposed to be inside was inside and everybody who was supposed to be in the car was in the car.  Except, Alexis had decided to take her seatbelt back off, so I had to start that process all over again.

At that point, we were tracking about fifteen minutes late.

And then we ran into a jack-knifed truck in the middle of a country road. There was no way around it, so we had to sit and wait for the driver to figure out that he really couldn't make that turn. It was certainly for the best as the road he was trying to go down doesn't have even a single house on it and is a dead end.

And THAT is how I managed to be ready to get out the door on time, but still managed to be half an hour late.

If only it wasn't the same freakin' story every. single. morning.

Comments

[Andy T]

This past school year, I had 3 kids to get to the bus stop. You might think that day after day for months at a time, the process might go smoother as we went along. In fact, I thought at times that my children had realized that they should have a backpack, lunch and appropriate clothing; that when the bus rolled to a stop, it was time to quit messing around; and that the older two should at least give a lame effort to appear that they halfway realize that they have a little sister to look out for. But no, even on the last day of the year, the youngest goofed around when she should have been hauling ass for the bus and the older two simply walked away and she was screaming hysterically because the bus almost left her behind.

Someday I'll be old and they'll wonder when I got so crabby and ornery. I'll tell them the bus stop. They'll think I'm crazy. We'll all be absolutely 100% correct.

[Jennifer]

You leave those poor animals in the basement all day with no tv?

[Gina]

Your mornings sound like mine. I can be an hour early and patting myself on the back and then BOOM - everyone loses their mind - cats, dogs, kids. I hate being late and it makes me crazy.

[Michelle (burghbaby)]

@Gina--That's EXACTLY how it is. It doesn't matter how early I get up, somehow the menagerie will conspire to make me late. Every. single. day.

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

Boy does this sound familiar! Except for us my husband is always running back to check to make sure we locked the door and shut off the coffee pot and . . . yeah. We're always late too!

[Shelley]

Oh my gosh, absolutely hilarious. I have three pets also and between them and the kids, being on time has become a thing of the past.

[mamaphan]

You give me so much hope for getting out the door on time with two kids. At least we don't have any pets to worry about, right?

[hello haha narf]

Not laughing at you...not laughing at you.
Woops, yes I am.

[Karen]

I know that routine all too well. You have my utmost sympathy.

[Katie in MA]

How did this not turn into a story of mass espape from the Fishtank of Horrors? I thought for sure it had died when you started out with "the light wasn't on." I'm not sure if the ensuing chaos was better or worse. <pat, pat> It's just one of those weeks, I think.

[Jen]

I really don't know how you do it. Well, I guess I do now! I have a hard enough time getting Dylan to preschool on time... by 9:00!

[emily]

Amen, sister, AMEN.

I'm always at least 10 minutes early...unless the kids are involved. Then no matter how early I get them prepped, I am ALWAYS late. Sometimes by an hour. It's horrible.

[FireMom]

If it makes you feel better, I'm guaranteed to be late tomorrow.

[caramama]

Seriously! This is my morning every morning also!

In fact, just this morning I thought to myself, "Why does it take an extra half an hour from the time I think we're ready to leave the house until the time we are actually pulling away from the house?"

And this Fall we have an actual start time to the Pumpkin's new school. So I'll really HAVE to be on time. I'm very scared!

[Nicole]

I bow down to anyone who has to get themselves and their kids out the door by a certain time everyday! We are now 2 weeks into kindergarten, and while Cooper is always dressed and fed when we walk out the door, the girls and I are always in some state of being half-dressed and half-fed. (And, truth-be-told, we are often in that same state when we pick him up 3 hours later!)