Because Some People Asked, Although Not Entirely Nicely
Destiny is not a matter of chance; but a matter of choice. It is not something to be waited for, it is something to be achieved. ~~William Jennings Bryan
I don't remember exactly where I first found those words, but I know that it was while I was in the 6th grade. For a multitude of reasons, the words stuck with me. I made the choice to own the words, to make them a part of my soul, to live the mantra.
All these years later, I still do. What they mean to me and how I use them to motivate myself has changed many times over, but it has always boiled down to one thing--I try very hard to make the choices now that will lead to the destiny I want to grab.
In recent years, they have been the words that help me find balance.
I work full time in a corporate environment. I parent a 5-year old. I blog. I clean. I cook. I deal with a bunch of cats and dogs. I garden. I am a DIY ninja. It can't all happen at the same time, and it could be hugely overwhelming to try to figure out how to balance it all. However, I refuse to allow it to be overwhelming. After all, it really does boil down to simply figuring out the right choices now that will lead to the tomorrow that I want.
There are some things that aren't really a choice. I have to go to work each day. There's a domino effect of other things that have to be done because of that--lunches have to be made, Alexis has to be awake and dressed at a particular time, I have to be presentable at a particular time. But, once the work day ends, it's all about making choices.
Should I finish painting the dining room? I mean, that project has been in progress since March. I'm getting mighty sick of walking through there and seeing something that is nearly finished. Or maybe I should clean up the kitchen? It definitely could use some attention. Oh, and the garden needs to be watered. And don't forget about that half-painted dresser down in the basement. But it's so nice outside!
Time management. It's the elusive magical unicorn in everyone's life, but I think there's a simple way to address it. Before you can effectively manage time, you have to learn to figure out what does not have to be done. The painting? It's only bothering me. The kitchen? It has been worse. The garden? There's a chance it could rain tomorrow. Nothing is going to die between now and then. The dresser? It's part of a domino effect of projects, so getting it done would mean a LOT of things could get done. But, again, while it needs done, it really doesn't need to be done right this second. Outside? The absolutely perfect weather we had this evening is certainly not something that happens all that often. And Alexis? She's only this age right now. She's growing entirely too quickly . . . in a flash.
I decided heading outside with Alexis really was the best use of my time. For today.
Tomorrow I may make a different choice.
But I will never regret a choice. I will never stress out about all the things that aren't done, especially since a lot of them don't *have* to be done.
All I can do is choose to achieve.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Reader Comments (28)
Thank you, I needed that.
So mofawkin' true. Destiny really is what we make it.
Beautifully said. My litmus test for most thing, of a non-essential nature, is what will I remember in 10 years? And the answer is almost always playing with my kid. Because one load of dishes that got put off until later will NEVER stand out. But the way my daughter smiled as she ran through the sprinkler? Definitely will. Life is too short. They are little for a heartbeat. Suck the marrow out of every moment with them. The only choice is to achieve.
Wow. This is a little scary. I left a comment to this effect at redpenmama's blog just yesterday. Except that I pointed out how bad I am doing the fun things because the chores are bugging me.
Thank you. That was a great post. And one I think I needed to hear right about now.
Great post! Not always an easy concept to follow, but as someone above said, "In 10 years, will it matter that your kitchen is usually a mess, or that the laundry was always piling up? No." I try to live by the motto "No regrets".
It should easy for a working mom to keep a house clean. The kids are never there to make messes.
But the mom is also never there to clean up the house, I thought that's what working meant? Like, you weren't home because you were working, at your job. Outside your home. And then when you got home it was with your kid...who makes messes and requires food which requires dishes?
I mean, I guess you could go to the park on your lunch break so you wouldn't have to go after work with your actual kid so you could clean the house...but...going to the park by yourself with no kid can make you appear as though you are a creeper. And no one likes creepers.
Oh, the mommy wars again. How cute. When I was home my kids messed up the house. Now I work and my kids still mess up the house. I just have much less time to leave snarky, sanctimonious comments on blogs.
no one likes trolls either.
You are like a great big cleansing breath of permission to listen to what I am already whispering to myself inside.
@Sara--Hi, "Sara!" Or perhaps I should refer to you by your real name? IP addresses are fun things . . .
Anyway, the difference between keeping the house clean for a SAHM and a WM boils down to a simple math equation. If your kids are home 100% of the time, you could easily spend 100% of the time that you spend at home cleaning. Similarly, if my kid is home 25% of the time, I still get the pleasure of potentially spending100% of the time that I'm home cleaning. Except, I don't. Because I refuse to spend 100% of my time cleaning and I refuse to live in a Disaster Zone, my kid has the extreme joy of having no choice but to clean up all of her toys each night before she goes to bed. If she doesn't, I have the right to throw them away or give them away. So, in the end, you're right. I do spend less of my time cleaning, but only because I refuse to accept life any other way.
AWESOME. What a fabulous post. :)
Just keep lying to yourself.You know it's true that it is easier to keep a house clean when there aren't kids in it all the time.
Of course you made the right choice! When it comes to choseing your child it is always right. You are so right when you say she is only 5 right now! MIne is 19. We are lucky in that he has always spent time with us. Yes even his teen years. :-) Yes, even now that he is in college. We are blessed. But, I think it comes with the fact that we always chose to spend time with him even if we wanted to be selfish and do our own thing we chose him. In the end it was always the right choice. We enjoyed him growing up. I would do it again in an instant.... ok maybe not the waking up at all hours. I enjoy my sleep way to much for that! LOL
I wasn't quite sure what Sara was suggesting with that last post. Don't have kids maybe? But then I realized she must be one of those *perfect* moms, with the beautiful home she takes care of all by herself, and I'm sure her child (or children) is perfect, too: happy, well-adjusted, etc., etc. Probably -- if I'm getting the implication correctly -- because she stays at home. (To other SAHMs whom I love, don't flame me. I'm talking about sara, not SAHMs in general.)
Now I have to give Michelle lots of credit for this post and finding the "ohm" in her life. I'm a completely overwhelmed WOTHM who crashed into depression recently. I'm still seeking the ohm and I've had lots of help and support from fellow tweeters and bloggers -- SAHMs and WOTHMs alike.
I am so angry I am shaking, and I know Sara is probably a troll and is taking great pleasure in the attention she is getting here.
So to Sara: go away and live your perfect life. Don't come around telling others how to live YOUR perfect life. Michelle's life sounds pretty nice because of the decisions she is making for her family. God bless her.
OTOH, I hope God poops in your wheaties someday, Sara. Sorry. (And believe me, my wheaties have been poopy enough lately, so I'm not really worried about the karma boomerang on this one.)
@ Sara Obeviously you have NEVER work and had kids! ROFL It is easy to JUDGE a person when you have NEVER been in their shoes. Be glad your are able to stay home with your child/kids. I never had that option. Not sure I would have mad a good stay at home mom/wife anyway.
I find that you still take baths and cook and sleep in beds and they get dirty. You just don't have the same amount of time to clean as a stay at home mom. You can keep a schedual. When your kid is in year around sports it makes it even more difficult to keep a cleanig schedual. When he was younger it was easier. As soon as he hit sports age we chose him over a clean house. No one will remember how clean my house was when he was growing up he would remember if I was at all of his games or supoorting him in everything he does. To me that was always number one. I'm sure supporting your kids is the same for you. Or you wouldnt be a stay at home mom. But, please don't think just because we are not home all day that things do not get dirty. They do. We can keep things picked up but kitchens, bathrooms, laundry, ect still have to be cleaned. We just have to figure out the best way to get it all done AND spend as much time as we can with our little ones. well mine is grown and THANK GOD I have always had a husband willing to do as much or more than I can do. Esp. Since my back goes out all of the time now.
I have made career sacrifices to maximize the time I have home with my children each day. Even then I see my boys for approximately 1.5 hours and my daughter for 2.5 hours each day. We spend that time eating dinner, baths and on some nights playing outside, reading a few books and bedtime (techincally I see them for 30 mins in the morning getting dressed, eating and walking out the door). I refuse to spend that short amount of time doing heavy cleaning.
The amount of laundry for 5 people - clothes, sheets, towels - does not change because we are not here during the day. The dishwasher must still be loaded and unloaded each day. Grocery shopping needs to happen (generally at night when everyone else is asleep). Bathrooms still need to be cleaned on a regular basis as do floors around the house.
I would agree that we have less toy sprawl out of the playroom during the week - but those toys are cleaned up every night - week day and weekend. And it rarely takes more than 10 mins. On the days my kids are home, I still only do that task once per day (why pick up the same toys 2x on the same day).
Everyone has busy lives, it is up to each of us to decide how to use our time and makes those choices based on how we want our children to rememeber their childhoods.
I'm totally not even getting into it here, so...VAGINA!
Oh Sara, poor Sara, what a delusional world you live in. Perhaps you are filthy rich and have nanny after nanny raising your children, maids, cooks. Perhaps you don't have kids. Perhaps you are a hands off mother, an anal perfectionist who's children live in fear of making a mess and being children. I hope that's not the case because that would be baaaad for society as those kids end up emotionally unstable, unibomber types, always seeking love and approval. Maybe you're 12 and completely clueless, I dunno.
I've been both SAHM and WM its no different, a mess can be cleaned up in time but making memories and laughing with your family are better for your soul...you do have one of those, right?
Meh, some things you have to learn on your own. I hope you never take time for granted, specifically time spent with loved ones. That's just plain stupid.
i have a magnet on my fridge, a magnet that once resided on my mom's fridge. i need to find you a "dull women have immaculate houses" magnet, too. (or a "my kid would be less amazing if my house were immaculate" magnet.)
i love this post. it is perfect.
@Sara - Based on your logic my house should never need cleaned since I work, my husband works, and I don't have children. Wow! I must be doing something wrong because that sure isn't the case!
Shoot Melissa, I dont work, I dont have kids, and I STILL have a messy house. But you know what I don't have? A totally miserable existence that propels me to leave shitty comments on blogs of people I am clearly jealous of.
Wow! Good food for thought. Thanks!
I just found your blog the other day, and I can`t stop reading it. A lot of the parenting things that I've read here, I relate to, all too well. I love how you write, and thought I'd leave you a comment saying so!
AWESOME POST!
I think Gina wins for the best comment. :)
Terrific blog post. Sometimes, I don't make the best choices for my family. I recently realized that I can have a clean house or I can be more creative, and I completed my first drawing in years! My husband and kids do not have to be sacrificed to my creativity, but something must be compromised.
Cut Sara some slack, all. If she is a SAHM, (I know from personal experience), intellectual stimulation is hard to come by. She could direct her deducing and venom toward fighting mountaintop removal or campaigning for her favorite politician... OR she can pick apart a mother that shares experiences on a little blog spot.
Sara: You could start your own blog, where it would be appropriate to share your brand of mothering.
Michelle: If we loved all that you wrote all of the time, it would be less valuable that you do it. Thank you for sharing so many intimate things with us. It seems so brave to me!