Cross the street
"F*ck*ng racist b*tch," the words reverberated through the dark, empty streets.
What he didn't know was that I had no idea what he looked like. All I knew is that it was dark, I was alone, and there were footsteps behind me. I crossed the street to get away from the footsteps because that's what you do when you are a woman walking alone in the dark.
You clutch your purse, put your finger on the panic button on your phone, and you cross the street.
******************************************************************************
There's a video that hit the internet this week that shows a woman being harassed as she walks the streets of New York. There has been a lot of discussion about the video, but the thing that stands out for me is how very normal it seems.
Every woman on earth has had one of those moments.
Or several of them.
******************************************************************************
"You're becoming such a feminist," he said in a condescending, annoyed tone.
The statement came at the end of a discussion about the NFL and how they don't want me to care about football these days.
The thing is, I'm no more of a feminist than I was 20 years ago. I am, however, now the mother of two girls. All of the things that I have ignored or brushed off are suddenly the things my daughters will face.
My choice is to teach them how to deal with it all or to start screaming.
I would rather scream.
******************************************************************************
There's a thing that happens when you aren't sure if you're safe or not. Your chest tightens, your heart races, and your mind goes places it shouldn't. As Alexis and I walked down the street hand-in-hand, the familiar fear raged. There was a group of men yelling and carrying on right in front of us.
I nonchalantly engaged Alexis in a conversation as I led her to cross the street right then and there. There was no reason to think the men would do anything to us, but there was no reason to think they wouldn't either.
You clutch your purse, put your finger on the panic button on your phone, and you cross the street. And you try to keep your young daughter from noticing, if only for the moment. She will have plenty of time to experience the fear for herself.
Later.
Hopefully much later.
******************************************************************************
"Maybe it's like that in New York, but not in Pittsburgh."
"He was just being friendly."
"Since when is it not ok to just say, 'hi?'"
The themes of the discussion on social media have been consistent. There are men who don't understand why they can't talk to strange women in public without it being considered harassment.
They should be able to.
But, there are far too many men who go beyond "friendly" and genuinely harass women in public. Sometimes they stop at harassment, but sometimes they don't. If men wore badges that helped us sort it all out and so that we could know when it's OK to smile and say "Hi" back, it would be fantastic. As it is, though, sometimes smiling is considered an invitation.
Sometimes a smile is considered consent.
It's not.
So we ignore the so-called compliments and cross the street.
******************************************************************************
I tried to think of all of the times I have felt the nervous fear the woman in the video must have felt when she was followed by the guy who asked, "Is it because I'm ugly?"
A friendly gesture escalated for no reason, with no invitation, and it became threatening.
It happens.
It happens in downtown Pittsburgh. It happens aboard a shuttle at the Houston airport. It happens in the middle of an upscale mall in Akron. It happens on a beach on the Mediterranean coast of Spain. It happens in the middle of the day and late at night.
It happens everywhere all of the time.
If you think we're imagining things and that it isn't really that bad, read the comments.
We cross the street because evil doesn't wear a badge.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Reader Comments (9)
Yes.
I remember vividly the first time it happened to me....13, but looked older at that age, with my mother, father, older brother and younger sister in the parking lot walking into an upscale restaurant on vacation. Two older men saying things to me as my father (STUNNED) stood by me. My father (a construction owner, former footballer/wrestler) had such restraint to just tell them how disrespectful that was to me and to our family.
That video opened up a conversation with my husband last night that, I think, was eye-opening for him. He told me I should just yell at anyone that say things "So I'm suppose to like your sexual harassment?". To which, I brought up the fear of retaliation from someone to whom you say that. I'd don't think he'd ever thought of that side (fear) of it.
I haven't watch the video because I do not want to feel what she is feeling. It is never ok. Just reading this made my chest tighten and my stomach drop out. I am so glad that you are aware and you are teaching your daughters that they need to be respected.
Thank you. I like to think I project a pretty decent "don't f#*% with me" air, but there is a street downtown I will not walk down, because of an aggressive flower vendor. My sons will be watching this video.
What really bothers me about that video is the majority of the comments (from men I might add) do not see that there is anything that woman could potentially see as harassing or threatening. THIS is the problem! If the majority of men could simply put themselves in a woman's shoes and experience how singled-out a woman can feel, how being continually subjected to seemingly harmless comments that the men feel are completely within their rights to throw out at whatever female walks by is not asked for and likely not wanted. We have created a culture where everything revolves around how a woman can be more attractive to the opposite sex. When your twelve-year-old wants to wear thong underwear because she is worried about panty lines we have a problem.
I told my husband the other day that I'm a little jealous that when he goes out for a run, no one harasses him. Ever. I get harassed almost every time. He looked at me in disbelief, because he had no idea it was that prevalent.
This post is SPOT ON!
https://www.facebook.com/bodyforwife/posts/795578930502904
Halloween night I was in Sewickley waiting for the bus home after work around 8PM. Some guy that had to be at least in his 50's was standing outside the liquor store (big surprise) waiting for his friends and smoking a cigarette. A group of about 6-7 older teenage girls walked by, dressed in frilly, girly, costumes and he goes "Happy Halloween Girls!" with this huge grin on his face. The girls ignored him and walked faster. Just something about it made my skin crawl (and Jethro Tulls' Aqualung go through my head). Thankfully there were tons of people around. It may have been innocent, but it just felt icky.
This has happened to me at multiple ages, in every type of outfit, in multiple countries, in multiple languages. I hate how universal this is and how immediately unsafe it makes me feel. I lived in a small friendly town for two years and the first time a man said a neighborly good morning to me I just stared back in shock.