Dancing With Skeletons By The Cool Moon Light
It's amazing how kids manage to find just the right words to leave you feeling like they stormed into a once hidden room, ripped open the closet door, and started tossing your skeletons all over the place. A femur! A tibia! A skull! Those skeletons go flying left and right as you stand there trying to figure out just the right way to make it all stop.
Kids mean no harm. They just don't understand the concepts of "emotional baggage" and "questions best left un-asked."
I have no secrets. Absolutely none. If Alexis asks a question, I do what I can to answer it. However, there are some stories that aren't really mine to tell. There are times when the explanation needs to come from someone else. I don't like to speak for people when it's their skeletons and their emotional baggage hanging out on the clothesline.
Alexis' definition of "emotional baggage" probably involves throwing a favorite toy into a backpack and dragging it around all day, occasionally peeking in that backpack and smiling as a rush of happy overcomes her. She can't possibly understand the cut of her some of her interrogations.
There's no rush of happy when she starts digging through the emotional baggage. Why are her grandparents no longer married to each other? ASK THEM, KID. It's not my story. Where is my dad? FIGURE IT OUT, KID. I'm not going to tell her how she should judge him. Do I have any brothers and sisters? JUST GRAB A KNIFE, KID. Poke around until blood is drawn and I'll still be left thinking there are other people who are in a much better position to explain all of the complications and history. My mom? NOT FAIR, KID. She's not here to explain why she spent so much of her time hidden in the closet dancing with her own skeletons. Do I really have to try to answer for her when it is all so very twisted and angst-ridden?
I like things simple. I like the skeletons neatly hanging and the closet door closed. I like looking at that toy that fills me with happiness.
Alexis just doesn't understand what she's asking when she starts digging at those skeletons. I'm left to take a deep breath and charge ahead with some sort of answer.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Reader Comments (11)
This was very touching and honest.
My dad has some serious skeletons in his family closet, much along the lines of things being so complicated that it took the husband years to understand who was really who in the family tree.
I have a lot of memories of poking and digging around and asking those questions that bring hints of pain to a normally soft and cheerful face. And you know what? They aren't bad memories. Showing the pain and the angst a tiny bit only lets new emotions get explored.
You're doing a great job with her. Don't worry about finding the right answer for her - find the one that is right for you to give.
As someone with a lot of missing chapters in my family history, I think it is awesome that you encourage Alexis to seek answers even if they don't come from you. And that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone to answer her questions.
Honesty is always best. Always. How much you share at this age, and that age, and again as teens and then again as adults is up to you. But honesty is always good. You know that, of course.
Great post. My family never tells me anything. Still. But I tell my kids whatever they want to know. (Within reason. I avoid the topic of s-e-x like it's the plague).
I have a similar post written that I just haven't been brave enough to hit the publish button. Yet. Jack's questions are simple, but they still sting. I know that the questions will only get more in-depth as he gets older and I know that I'm going to have to find a way to answer those questions as simply and honestly as I can.
i don't know what to say other than i read this and was moved by it
I really liked this post. Tugging at that place where our own vulnerability lies. I feel where your heart was from what you wrote.
Honesty, in an age appropriate way is the only way your going to get through this part of her life. Kids are a shiny mirror for us, showing us parts of ourselves that sometimes we are uncomfortable to look at.
You are such a fantastic mom, so I know that you will teach her by example of maybe heaving a big sigh, opening that closet of yours, and pulling out your uncomfortable skeletons and giving them a proper burial. Or cremation.. .Whatever floats your boat.
And maybe your answers will lead to a million more questions, but I think it might lead to a great discussion, and give her some perspective. (Or maybe you both)
You can do it.
Very honest. I loved how you shared without breaking any of your own rules. Alexis is smart and inquizative and she'll figure out eventually that she can ask the people involved if she really wants to know AND why it was that you didn't feel it was right for you to share those stories with her. She'll notice the honest with your life compared to those (relatively few) negative spaces in the storytelling continuum. Puzzling out those differences in what you'll tell and what you're quiet about is important, I think, for her to understand what makes you the person you are.
I try to be honest but age appropriate - not always easy with some of the weirdo stuff in the past. But it is what it is. And I guess I do tell stories that might not be mine to tell because I don't want others being dishonest or disclosing more than is appropriate but she is always welcome to ask them the same questions. That part of having kids is hard. I know the questions will just keep on coming.
You're awesome. You two will work out all of these hard questions as you go. Thanks for writing this and for being so honest.