I Can't Even
I'm not sure if everybody has the same level of joy in their life, but I have a way of engaging in conversations that lead to people saying really dumb things to me. I like to consider it a skill that I bring out the dumb, but like I said, it may be more common than I know. Maybe everyone is capable of such magic.
I could give you a million examples, but I think a decent one was when someone said to me, "Are you sure you're only 16 weeks? You're showing an awful lot."
That. That right there is what "saying dumb things" looks like.
Another example includes telling me jokes about things "trailer trash" do. That is ALWAYS a fun one because I tend to respond with, "Hi. I grew up in a trailer park. I guess that makes me trailer trash?" I can't really laugh at a joke that's not funny, so I might as well make everyone as comfortable as I am in that moment. It's kind of crazy how often people make jokes about trailer parks around me, honestly.
But my new favorite ... it's a whole other brand of crazy.
It hasn't been all that long since I was last asked why Alexis is an only child. That was a recurring theme for a very long time, right up until the moment we discovered she is on track for big sisterhood. If you haven't done the math, she will be 8 years old when everything goes down. So. So ... she will be old. Almost halfway to moving out. Enough older for there to be like three or four kids in the middle there.
Eight years is a HUGE gap in time.
Apparently it's a big enough gap for people to now REPEATEDLY tell me, "Whoops? I bet you thought you were done with diapers and such!" or "Oh! Found yourself with a little surprise, did you?" and my personal favorite "You know there are things you can do to prevent that sort of thing!"
Just don't, y'all. Just don't speculate on why there's an 8-year gap between them. It can't lead to anything good for any of us.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Reader Comments (32)
meh. 8 years. big deal lol. it really is not that big a deal. but maybe a little unusual I suppose. But things happen. There is a little over 6 years between my first 2 kids, and 4 1/2 between #3 and #4 and I get similar comments about it being an "oops" or a "surprise." and I was even asked "so when did you miscarry?," assuming I had at least 1 m/c, since you know...6 years between kids!!!! But honestly, I get the some of the same comments regarding #2 and #3, who are a mere 13 months apart. ("oopsie!!"
@) So...it really knows no bounds. Folks are just looking for something to say. They think they are funny. We get comments about the fact we have 4 kids too. "you guys should get a TV for your room" or "don't you guys get out much?" or "you guys don't have any hobbies?" and of course "you know there are ways to prevent that." @. Some folks are just...annoying.Hah! Try a 13 year gap! It gives me PLENTY of joy to say things like "yes! I get 26 full years in our school district! I could've killed a man and been out in less time!" and my all-time favorite, "Did you know that toddler attitude is identical to teenager attitude? Lucky me! All the attitude I can't handle every day!" Then I laugh like a mad scientist about to take over the world...stops 99% of a-hat comments before they start, and if I seem a little unhinged, nobody messes with a crazy person. Win-Win for me!
We have 8 years between my stepdaughter and the twins, and then 6 years between the twins and my youngest. I'd be tempted to flip off those that make the annoying comments, but that's just my inner only child talking. :) My personal favorite was the lady who followed me thru Mervyn's when the twins were about 6 months old, asking if we were going to have more kids. Excuse me?!
My bff is 7 years older than her brother and 8 years older than her sister (a really really tried for brother and a happy accident sister). They are all really really close and have a great bond (now that the younger siblings are both older teenagers at least) It really doesn't even seem like that big of a gap when they are older :)
Ha! I have been married for just about 10.5 months, and was constantly hearing this from my in laws "If we don't get a 'good news' from you within the first year, everyone will start believing that there is some problem!" and all the extended in laws' family also kept asking me "is there any news yet??"
Now, that I AM pregnant (at just 11 weeks), I constantly keep hearing "Isn't it too early? You guys are young, you could have waited for another year or so..."
Unfortunately as long as people can speak there will be rude comments. I always would smile & nod but boy I always wanted to come back with a rude comment of my own. 2 things - I have an 8 yr old & she is an enormous help to me with her siblings - no doubt Alexis will be for you. And my husbands step sisters are 8 yrs apart. They are & always have been the best of friends.
Here's the real question - can you believe the change in baby stuff since you had Alexis - have you checked out that rocket ship like bouncy seat from 4moms? Holy - my foot created the "bounce" for my oldest
My brother and I have a 7 year age gap and now in our thirties we are very close. The gap gets smaller as they grow older. I have an exact 4 year gap between my kids... they share a birthday and I am sure they will be just fine. I think two kids in nappies at the same time would drive me crazy. My cousin and her brother are 16 years apart. We all have our own reasons for the gaps.
Just close your eyes and take a deep breath and ignore the stupidity... it's everywhere.
Oh boy! There are no words. In their mind, 'oh, look, a pregnant lady, I should talk about pregnant things'. So many people speak without thinking. As a person with no children I can't tell you how many times my husband and I hear, 'why don't you have kids, you would be great parents.' Would we, really? How do you know, you don't even know us! Why would anyone ask/say that? There are times I want to go into all the gory details but I never do. My reply is always the same, 'we have nieces and a nephew that keep us busy in the kid department.'
My brother is 8 years older than me (built in babysitter yo) my sister is 5 years older than me (clothes to steal when I was a teen) and don't forget the spoiled rottenness of being the baby (to this day even)!! Always a positive! My own kids are 4 years apart. Life is funny like that. Just smile and try to embrace some people's stupidity - LOL!
i don't comment, i'm more of a lurk.. but this one deserves a comment, some people are rude to say the least.
8 years? there are 26 years, no, that's not a typo, twenty-six years between myself and baby sister. I have two children older than my sister.. There is ONE more sister in the middle, who is only 4.5 years younger than me..
at 8 years, Alexis will be lots of help!
CONGRATS on the newest addition! :)
Our bio girls are a planned five years apart. I was told multiple times that they would never get along or play together. For the record they are amazingly close and sweet together. When you are pregnant, the only thing you should hear is "you look great" and " can I do your dishes while you put your feet up". Seriously, people (me included sometime) need to stop talking!!!!
I'm sure my mom heard all of those, my brother is 7 years younger than me, but I can say that I love remembering when he was born and I know that I LOVED helping my parents with him. One time my mom left my brother with me for a few minutes and she came back to him wearing a cabbage patch doll dress, I remember that and I love telling him that story lol
You know my story, and the giant age gap we have. BEST thing that ever happened to my family. My older kids ADORE Isabella and she is being raised with so much love. "It takes a village to raise a child". Our village is blessed.
I've gotten the same comments and then some. I have always just said "we are so blessed and we couldn't be happier." Throws their point of view right back at them, with a touch of guilt on their part.
They will all pipe down when this baby enters the world. I can't wait!
Just had this conversation recently with a friend as I ran across this blog:
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/12/07/i-demand-to-know-why-you-dont-have-kids-yet/
My kids are 15, 5 and 8 mo. I hear opinions constantly. But I just smile and move about my day. It's the most hurtful when it comes from immediate family. My MIL is notorious for comments that are not necessary. I often wonder, why can't they just be happy for us? We have 3 beautiful children, all healthy and happy. Who cares how many years separates them.
As you know, I'm an eight year gap firstborn. My husband is an eight year gap baby. We're both from two-kid households. The more I talk to others, the more I learn that the eight year gap is a pretty common one for a multitude of reasons, none of which are really other peoples' business.
Whatever the reason, whether you choose to share them with the general public or not, I think it's awesome. I'm just so happy for you. :)
Eight years isn't all that big a deal. Really. My next youngest sibling is 8 years older than I am. (The oldest is 18 years older than I am.) My sister and I didn't get along for a lot of reasons, none of which had to do with age. (We get along much better now. Not living locally helps. ahem)
As for the trailer trash comments - I lived in one for the final years of high school and I hate it when people make trailer trash comments. Also white trash comments. PEOPLE ARE NOT TRASH. EVER.
Yes, sadly, most people should just not speak.
I learned early on in my marriage (9 years) and eventually in my pregnancy (20 weeks now) that the rude comments will never stop. Since I have little patience with stupid strangers, I don't mind making them eat their words. When asked why we didn't have kids yet and if we wanted theirs, I promptly said, "Yes. My infertility prevents me from having my own." After announcing my pregnancy to nosy coworkers and being asked if it was planned and if my husband was happy or not, my answer was. "Yes. He's happy that I got pregnant with two other people in the room and one of them wasn't him. Yes it's his baby. Do that math."
People amaze me. When I got married again (at 47) I was asked if we were going to have kids...um no. Then when I had gastric by-pass I was asked if it was so I could have kids. Again no. Anymore when asked if I have kids, I tell them I have three. Two girls and a boy. Then when I am asked their ages, it's 12, 5 and 4. It is usally at some point in the conversation they realize I am talking about my dogs. Yes, all my children have 4 legs and a tail. I couldn't get pregnant when I was married the first time and now for health reasons I can't get pregnant. I'm 50 freaking years old. My kitchen is closed. Sorry had to vent. LOL
My two are 10 years apart. My favorite response is that we have a built in babysitter (although my 17 year old is usually too busy to babysit!). I've often had the urge to start asking questions about the other person's sex life, since they seem to be so interested in mine!
I remember being kind of like Alexis, begging my parents for years for a sibling, and my mom was dealing with issues similar to some of the things you've shared. Fast forward to today and my sister will turn 16 on the same day that I turn 30. I also have a brother who just turned 12. I've had people ask if my siblings are MINE, conversations I remember being super fun as an awkward, chubby teenager with two small children in tow. I grew up in a VERY low income area and it was humiliating for me for people to assume that at the age of 16, I would have two kids. But, people don't really mean to sound like idiots or be intentionally mean or hurt feelings when they make passing comments.
Wow. People should really just say congrats and move on. Goodness!
People are so danged nosy about other people's ability to procreate or lack thereof. Tyler and celebrated our 10th anniversary before we had the twins because I was infertile. So, we had all the thoughtless "So, when are you two having kids?" questions that people would throw at us. THEN when my body figured out it could do this crazy shit on its own after having the twins, we celebrated their first birthday and found out four days later we were pregnant again. THEN, I got the ridiculous, "You just don't know when to stop, do you?" comments. PEOPLE!
My favorite, though, was when I was pregnant with the twins and had just hit the four month mark. A lady at the Hallmark store asked, "Are you having a boy or a girl?" and I said, "One of each! I'm having twins!" and then she looked me dead in the eye and replied, "Aren't you a little big to only be four months pregnant." I've never been back to any Hallmark store. Ever.
There is 6 years between my two for a few reasons. There are 10 years between me and my sister. I love it now. We are such good friends and I can ask her anything.
I just thoroughly enjoyed reading through the comments. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one surrounded by rude people asking about "when" things are going to happen or judging when they did.
So, so, happy for you :) (And so happy for me because BABY TO HOLD IN A FEW MONTHS SQUEEEEE)
I'm so sorry about those rude comments. I sometimes still get comments on my kids' very short age gap and the "WOW! Was that planned?! Oopsies!" And then I find myself word-vomiting my whole story all over them and making everyone very uncomfortable.
Oh well, guess they shouldn't have commented, eh? :)
There are almost 8 years between my (younger) sister and myself. We don't get along for many reasons that have nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with our mind-eff'ing mother. We'll see how things go when she becomes a "real person" after college. I don't foresee it getting better though.
Also? I totally get the "when are YOU going to have another?" comments all the time. You know despite it totally NOT being feasible (single mom, super tiny income, barely any free time, 1 date in the last 2 years). I should just start word vomitting on them, methinks. The worst was the other day when I was at lunch with 2 girlfriends (one of whom is having her second) and my grandmother. My grandma looks me dead in the eye and announces to me and my BFF (and the entire buffet) that we need to "get busy and give her more grandbabies".
My brothers are 8 years apart (which makes the baby 10 years younger than me). I remember my mom getting a lot of "whoopsie!" comments too. On the theory that rude people deserve to be made uncomfortable, she just answered honestly that no, actually, they worked very hard to get him. ☺
Gah. I volunteer at the VFW Post every other Sunday to serve brunch and I heard them all, especially that last one. This timing is the way it worked out and we adore our two daughters, no matter how many years separate them (about 6). Golden rule people--do (and say) unto others what you would want to have done (and said) to you. Sheesh.
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off of the floor. Okay, I think I'm good now. There is either years between my two kids, also. That was not intentional. My second pregnancy was not an "oopsie". I guess God just decided that I needed to wait either years to get pregnant again. I don't think anyone said anything like that to me. If they did, I must have blocked it from my memory so I can't be prosecuted for how I'm sure I would have reacted. I'm baffled that anyone could be so rude. I'm truly sorry you have to hear that. After reading through the comments, I'm shocked at how common this is. We tried for five years to get pregnant with our second kid. If someone would have made any of those comments to me, I seriously would have flipped out.
My kids are 22, 10 and 5. I get a lot of "Do they all have different fathers?" Pisses me off.
My brother and I are 7 years apart, due to medical reasons for my mom. I think people were smart enough all those years ago to keep their mouths shut. Apparently people today like the taste of their own feet.