I See It Clearly Now and It Stinks
Dear Alexis,
I owe you an apology. For over a year, a significant portion of your life, you have been telling me that there was a problem, but I didn't truly understand what you were trying to say. I don't know that I would have given you what you wanted if I had understood, but I certainly would have handled it differently. For that, I am sorry.
It took a few words from another parent for me to see it. She spoke a simple sentence out of sheer frustration with the situation. In that instance, it was like the clouds parted, a ray of sunshine shone straight down on me, and an angel fell from the sky and smacked me across the face. Captain Obvious came flying in right after that angel and he gave me a thorough lecture on not seeing what was right there in front of me the whole time. In those moments, I flashed back over the past year and a half, and it was all crystal clear.
You told me a long time ago you didn't like a particular dance teacher. What you really meant was that the dance teacher was making you feel inferior, not good enough, and uncomfortable. I am so sorry that I didn't see it.
The thing with dance and gymnastics class is that I LOVE watching you. You may or may not recall this little fact, but I didn't miss a moment of the action. I eagerly sat on the other side of that window watching your every move. I could have ran errands during your class, or gone shopping, but that's not what I wanted. I wanted to watch you have fun, and watch how you interacted with your peers and others when I wasn't influencing your actions. I don't get to do that often, so I willingly put up with a number of challenges that sometimes came with being on the other side of that glass. To put it mildly, sometimes it was damn hard being surrounded by parents who are very different from myself, but I sat there anyway. I wanted to see you.
I was so busy trying to see you, so wrapped up in my own self-created drama and challenges, that I didn't think to look at things through your eyes. I knew you weren't a fan of that one teacher, and I understood that (frankly, I can't say that I "like" her either, but it's a matter of her being a very different type of person than I am--I wouldn't want to hang out with her over a cup of coffee, but I respected the skills she brought as an experienced dance teacher). I saw the whole issue as one of those things that is just a part of life. I figured you might as well learn early that sometimes you have to deal with people you don't like, and that you might as well do it with a smile since you can't control it. I still think that was an important lesson, and I'm glad you learned it.
I'm not glad I didn't see the signs. They were there, and they all came together for me today when that other parent made a comment. There was that time you got in trouble for talking too much during class. I couldn't hear everything that was said through the window. In fact, I didn't hear you talking at all, but I did hear the scolding you got. It seemed odd at the time. You? The kid who is terribly shy? Talking in class? It's seemed almost impossible. It seemed like something that should be celebrated, not scolded. Yet, I understood that chatter could be destructive in a classroom environment. I had previously witnessed another little chatterbox in the class manage to completely derail a lesson for over five minutes. So, I gave the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I tend to do that a lot. Your dad would say I do it too much. He might be right.
I gave the teacher the benefit of the doubt another day when something she said to you sent you straight to tears. You never did tell me what she said, just that she hurt your feelings, so I assumed that your tender little heart misunderstood something. It's not all that rare for you to get your panties in a bunch over something innocent.
There were other signs, lots of signs. I see them now, after the thirty minutes of blatant favoritism I saw today. Today was your final show, the final class of the season. We had already decided to switch to a more convenient dance/gymnastics place this fall, and THANK GOODNESS. I promise to never, ever make you go back to that place again.
You missed the drama as you were so busy enjoying your chance to show off all that you learned. I'm glad for that because, my dear, it was awful. Horrendous. Horrible. I won't pretend to understand what was going through the mind of the teacher, but I have to think her blatant favoritism is deep-rooted in her core need to make all things dance and gymnastics be very serious. I've always thought she's better with bigger kids, because she really can't stand it when poses and such aren't done exactly right.
Here's the thing--no matter how hard you try, I think it's safe to say you do not have a future as a professional tap dancer. First of all, you prefer ballet and jazz and modern dance. Tap? You are very -meh- about tap. You do it and you do it with a smile on your face, but you don't really try to get it exactly right. Joy radiates from your every molecule when you're doing ballet, but tap really seems like it's more of a tolerated thing for you. Not only is tap not really your thing, but your shyness slows you down when it comes to performances. I suppose that the teacher sees a little kid who is too shy and lacking the natural talent to perform even a simple dance number, so why bother even taking classes? To her the only end result just may be a life dedicated to dance, so she may not see that this "goofing off" that I encourage you to do is valuable, albeit in a totally different way.
The was another little girl in your class who may just have a future as a dancer. There are a lot of reasons to think that. It doesn't matter, though, because this isn't about that little girl.
This is about how that teacher stood there, in that room, completely focused on one student while completely ignoring you and a classmate (there were only three kids in your class this semester). It went on for over thirty minutes. It continued despite comments to the teacher. She followed that one girl around from one apparatus to another, completely focused on her every move. While she helped you with the uneven bars once, she helped that other little girl countless times. It was so blatant that the parent of the other ignored girl said something to me, and that's when I saw it all so clearly.
You're not that teacher's favorite. In fact, I'm not even entirely sure she likes you. As I look back at all of the pieces, I think she may believe you are a waste of her time as a serious dance instructor.
Let me make one thing crystal clear, Alexis. You are absolutely positively NEVER a waste of anyone's time.
I'm sorry that blatant favoritism got in the way of your fun. I should have seen it and I should have addressed it early on. I promise to watch more closely in the future. I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt more often. I promise to try to see things through your eyes and truly understand what you are trying to tell me when you voice concerns about a situation.
I might need you to remind me from time-to-time, please and thank you.
I love you kid, and now we can work together to find the funnest most amazing dance/gymnastics teacher that ever did walk the earth. I know exactly where we're going to start. :-)
Much love,
The Momma Who is Quite Certain You Were the Cutest Kid in the Show and Who is Insanely Proud of How Well You Did Today
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Reader Comments (32)
I was in gymnastics as a kid, and while I had fun with it, I was never the best in the class, not by a long shot. I was terrified to do back-bends and back walkovers for fear of simply falling on my head, so I always struggled with the routines. But I had fun. And I always felt like my parents were proud of me (and at age 24, although I am currently a new master's degree recipient and jobless and job searching, I feel like my parents are STILL proud of me.) Keep up the great work, Alexis. And if she's mean to you, you tell her how it is like the sassy little spitfire you are.
oh my goodness! i am so sorry your sweet girl had to endure this. please dont beat yourself for this. count it as a lesson learned.
my own dancing daughter is beginning to teach classes and one of the things her boss/coach has drilled into her head and the rest of her studio's faculty is that dance must be fun. she expects her teachers to make it priority, above all else, to make class fun for their students, especially Alexis' age. i imagine you will find the right class, the right studio, the right instructor out there who appreciates your amazing child for who she is and allows her to experience the joy of dance.
"Let me make one thing crystal clear, Alexis. You are absolutely positively NEVER a waste of anyone's time." Amen. Oh, amen!
P. S. I hope you print and mail this terrific piece to that bitch, as she clearly needs to know how unacceptable her behavior is.
Brought a tear to my eye. What a wonderful mom you are. What a shame that dance instructor did not benefit from truly meeting the terrific daughter that you have.
That picture is perfect! I'm guessing the teacher missed her big shot at being a professional dancer, and lives vicariously through the "good" students. I really hope Alexis gets a great teacher next time who will value everything ALL her students bring to the class.
I think you should right a letter to the owner of the studio, even if you plan on never going back. That's just awful and I hate to hear that people who are supposed to teach and nurture children can be so uncaring.
I think I know which teacher you are talking about (I've actually seen you there once or twice when I've taken my son to make up classes during the week but have been too shy to say hi!) - and yup, your description sounds just about right about this person and her attitude. I hate that this happened to Alexis as from what I gather, she's an awesome little girl and you are a pretty awesome mom as well. I would definitely let the owner know about it and make it known that is why she is losing your business.
Why OH WHY do people put themselves into a position to deal with kids when clearly they don't really want to deal with kids? As in ALL KIDS. I'm so sorry that you both had to endure this, and I would be very tempted to say something to the teacher.
Alexis is made of bravery and spunk to put up with it for so long without absolutely refusing to go back.
"P. S. I hope you print and mail this terrific piece to that bitch, as she clearly needs to know how unacceptable her behavior is."
Mail it? Nah, i'd approach her. A letter can easily be disregarded. Is she in charge at this school? if not, talk to who is! I certainly wouldn't want my kid to have to deal with that and not be able to express what is going on because she doesn't understand those things yet.
I was the goof off in dance class when i was 4 or 5. i rolled my baton across the floor and my teacher told my mom i had to quit. I was just having a good time. and i was only 4 or 5!!
I wish my mom would have told her she was wrong.
oh... and them know SHE is why you won't be returning. Even if the other is more convienent, they don't need to know that part :)
This just broke my heart. You really are such a wonderful mother. Alexis is so lucky to have you!
I was once Alexis, a little girl who loved dance class but was intimidated by teachers or in my case, other pupils, who made me feel inferior. I ended up quitting because my dad saw this and put an end to it. Unfortunately, I didn't have an option of another dance studio to visit.
I am glad that Alexis still love dance, regardless of a teacher's wrongdoings. I am glad she will continue despite setbacks. Teacher who play favorites or purposefully pick on certain students for no reason annoy the hell out of me.
That is horrible. No one who teaches kids has the right to bill themselves as a serious dance instructor. You need to like kids, all kids, and be able to have fun and be silly. I'm sorry you/she went through this...
I agree with the PP who say to talk to the owner. Put it in writing so that she has something to show to this dancer. I have learned to speak up now (after my many dealings with daycares) that it doesn't help to just yank your kid. Do something for the other parents as well who also might not see it or are too shy to speak up.
And give A a hug from me.
crap. teacher, not dancer. sorry!
Are you serious? I don't know how you managed not to walk right up to that b(tch and tell her how you felt! I would have been absolutely furious and she definitely would have known that.
Poor Alexis, but hopefully she really doesn't realize what was happening and she can go on to a much more positive school and have a wonderful experience.
Yes, I hope the dance teacher sees this too!!!!
I agree 100% with TwinMamaTeb. It is worth saying something to the director of the studio. I agree that the large point is that treating students in this manner is a truly unacceptable way to teach children but on top of that, you don't pay good money to watch your kid be ignored. You could do that for free. ;) Alexis is there to learn and she will learn so much more in an environment that nurtures her rather than ignores her. The director of this studio should know that's why you're choosing to take your money elsewhere.
That sucks. As someone who has danced, sang, and acted since I was Alexis' age (a.k.a. a LONG time ago), I know how magical the right teacher can be and how horrible the wrong ones are. You seem to have a lead on a good teacher, but as I mentioned in a previous dance teacher post, Laura at Pittsburgh Dance Arts. I don't think they have gymnastics though. http://www.pgh-dance.com/
It is clear from your blog that Alexis is an amazing little girl. Any teacher who can't appreciate that isn't worth her or your time (or money).
I have to agree that something needs said to this woman, her boss, and heck the parents of other potential kids she might hurt. You might feel better and help other kids. And I'm so sorry that Alexis had to endure that. So glad she has parents that let her know she is NEVER a waste of time. No child is or should ever be treated like they are.
Oh this makes me mad! Not this post, that teacher!
Anything at this age should be purely introductory and fun. You know, let the little ones get a taste of it, socialize, learn to learn in groups, etc. etc.
Just this past Sunday I got to watch my niece in her dance receital. She is 6. The girls in her age group and under were incredibly painful to watch. But at the same time it was awesome! They all thought they were a true star............even the little blind girl that mostly just stood there. But you know what, she was included. And she felt like a start too! Can you imagine how Alexis' teacher would have treated her?
This post brought a tear to my eye, too! Poor Alexis. That's so difficult to watch as a parent. I agree that you should say something to the powers that be at that studio. I know that conversations like that can be difficult and uncomfortable, but sometimes it must be done. I have to have a similar conversation with the Kids Club director at our gym today myself, and I am not at all looking forward to it. The important thing is that by seeing the situation for what it is and learning from it, then something positive can come out of it in the end. Alexis is so lucky to have you as a mom. She's such an awesome kid, it's hard to imagine why her teacher didn't appreciate all the fun that she could have contributed to that class!
You're a good momma. Sometimes in life people will not always treat us the way we want to be treated and someting we have to suck it up and stick it out. You taught her this and how to handle it with dignity and grace and I think you did everything right. We can't protect them from everything, no matter how hard we try, and you're building the foundation for a lifetime of self-etseem and self respect. She will learn that no matetr what others think of her, she is AWESOME and has you in her corner to protect her and love her.
How absolutely RIDICULOUS of that teacher to take things so seriously with such young kids. She really has no business working with that age group if that's how she's going to act.
And don't beat yourself up too much about not noticing- unfortunately it IS easy sometimes to chalk up what our girls say to being dramatic(because, um, TRACK RECORD, heh) & I would have done the same thing & tried to turn it into a lesson.
Stupid dance teacher lady!
I love that you wrote this. That you are chalking it up to "lesson learned" but when she's old enough she'll know that you KNEW (in the end). I can't tolerate favoritism. Period. It always irks me and my MIL was HORRIBLE about it with her own children (now, sadly, she's not mentally coherent enough to address the issues). I always think that hitting them in the wallet is the best way to "voice" an opinion. Glad you're taking little A elsewhere!
I completely and whole-heartedly (and sympathetically) agree with everything you wrote. That being said...ARE YOU INSANE FOR WRITING IT DOWN? Because now every time 14-year-old Alexis thinks you are being clueless about something, she is going to pull out a print-out of this post and be all, "Hellllloooooo! Remember how much you didn't get that dance class? Well the sky is green and the grass is blue and you don't know anything!" (Wow, I'm miss optimism today, aren't I? Whoops.)
Having had my girls in dance for several years and assisted in Peanut's class this year, I have to say, that stinks! We have kids of all talents. We even have a couple little girls that should not be in the class because they are just too young. Even though I've had to get on them a little, it was more of a safety issue and the fact that their complete refusal to dance and goofing off were dangerous and distracting to the other girls. However, the girls that didn't have talent (and I'm a mom of a certain other child that falls in that category) were cheered on for trying. Our class was a recreation class. It was not a competition class. I do not sign them up for those classes because more is expected and talent is expected and I don't want to set my child up to fail. Athletic people often have no use for the untalented. I've ran into it often in life as a fairly non-athletic person. Like the PE teacher who yelled at me because I stunk at volleyball. I was not on her team, I was taking the dreaded PE class.
Sorry, got on a rant there. I'm glad Alexis will have more fun next year!
Thank you for writing this. It's a good reminder for all of us.
Ugh...sounds just as awful reading as it did hearing the story...
Great having dinner with you btw:)
I have so heard of this happening in dance, gymnastics...so many things. It stinks and it isn't the way it should be done. That woman is a moron. I had a coach of a girls' championship cheerleading team tell me that there are times he will pay more attention to a child who isn't as good, because he feels certain that child has potential, or maybe a child is shy, is what I should say. He said that some students won't pick up as fast and those are the students he focuses on because he feels that with a little encouragement they will get there. SOunds to me like he tries to focus on all the students actually, but pays a little extra attention to those shy and not as "out there" kids.
I hope you can find someone else who will do it the right way for Alexis.
my little angel, nana is very sorry you had to experience the ignorance that some adults possess. they don't realize the talent and the beauty they have right infront of their eyes just waiting to be taught how to grow and develop into a dancer or anything else your little girl heart dreams to be. nana wishes we did not live so far away so i could experience your classes, your activities first hand. because of your mommies blog she does for you i get to see your life that i miss each day thru her blog. it is blogs like this one where my heart is torn out. your teacher probably would not like me very well once i told her what a jerk she is. but she doesn't realize that her loss is going to be your gain. you will grow and develop under another teacher, a great teacher, one who loves and appreciates each and every student for what they have to offer. one who will see you for the precious little life that you are. i love you alexis. go embrace your dance and your dreams with the right teacher, she is there waiting for you. your mommie will find her and you will both know when it is right. i have learned a lot of lessons in life the hard way sweatheart. sometimes adults don't see things they should right away. when we do it is a big lesson learned. i wish all children came firts in their mommies lives, that all mommies took the time to just listen to their children, and that they all knew they were loved and secure and that nothing or no one means more to them than their children. your mommie feels that way about you. you are her priority, her pride and joy. your mommie and daddie would give you the world if they could. you see they know you are their life and you are their responsibility. their goal in life is to give you the very best they can. i love knowing you are secure and well cared for. i don't have sleepless nights of tears and worries over if your alright or safe. i know you have everything you need but most of all you have love from both your parents and your family. i pray for you baby girl along with my other 3 grandbabies. i always ask God to keep his angels of protection around each of you. mommie and daddy are great parents and you are surrounded by their love and care. now go out there and get that terrific teacher and next time you, me and mommie will celebrate with a deliciouls funnel cake!!!! love your nana
This post makes me teary and angry all at the same time. Sad for you and Alexis, and angry at the teacher who treated her that way! I work at a dance studio and one of the things I love so much about it is how the owners and teachers really teach the love and joy of dancing, and not just the technique. Sure, as the students get older, they are taught more and more technique but they are never scolded or put down if they don't get it exactly right. All of the teachers are positive and encourage the kids to have fun while learning. It isn't competitive at all - there is no favoritism - that would be absolutely unacceptable. You can have years of experience or be a beginner and you will be treated the same way. Everyone is made to feel important and at the end of the year Gala (recital) you can truly see it on the kids faces. They all dance with pride and smiles on their faces because that is their moment to shine and show off all they learned all year.
I would definitely tell the owner how you felt and how Alexis and some of the other kids were treated. These are young kids - not professionals - and they should all be given the same amount of attention, and none of them should ever have to feel inferior or not liked by their teacher.
I know how you feel - I've been in similar shoes where I felt that I should have seen something happening right before my eyes, but I think sometimes we have expectations about people (like dance or gymnastic teachers), and it is hard for us to want to believe they would treat a child that way. I am just glad you don't have to go back there and hopefully you have a better experience at your new dance/gymnastics place.