I Still Wish I Hadn't Said It
In what can only be considered a random consequence of life moving on, I hadn't seen her in years. She's always been someone I regard very highly, one of the smartest, kindest, most easy-going people I've ever been fortunate enough to know. Our lives have gone in different directions, but in a random twist of fate, we somehow wound up in the same place at the same time.
I excitedly called out her name and we did that thing you do when you encounter someone you adore, but haven't seen in a long time. The small talk centered around things like jobs and common acquaintances and major life events. And then I asked a question, a question which I later realized was an absolute and total jerk moment. "Are you still with {name of significant other}?"
Later, as I sat in my car replaying that sentence, I felt awful for being such a douchenugget. I know she didn't think anything of it because she's classy and amazing and forgiving like that. But I felt awful. AWFUL. I was concerned that the question was a sign that in my heart a double-standard lives, a double-standard that I don't want to possess.
Oh, yeah. Did I mention that the amazing person I'm talking about is gay? She and her significant other have been together for a decade . . . maybe even longer. Probably even longer.
It's been months since that chance encounter, but I kept replaying it in my mind. I couldn't imagine myself asking that same question of any of my married friends. I mean, who does that? Who asks someone if they are still with a husband or wife?
It was such a douchenugget thing to ask of someone who had been in a relationship for so many years.
The conversation replayed in my head again today, once again leaving a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But then another random sort of conversation came up and I realized something--I would ask a heterosexual friend if he or she was still with a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" or "significant other." I don't believe in asking things like "When are you having a baby?" or "When are you getting married?" but that question, the "Are you two still a thing?" question? That one is fair game when two people aren't in a governmentally recognized union. It's a matter of semantics.
Pennsylvania doesn't allow my friend to refer to the love of her life as her "wife," and THAT is where the double-standard lies.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Reader Comments (17)
Amen!
I hate when I say something and then think about it for months on end.
I truly believe that by the time my friends and I are getting married their marriage will be recognized the same as mine would. At least it better be, or I'm moving to a state that acknowledges marriage based on love and commitment, not if the part between your legs are the same/different. I have about a billlion gay friends and you BETTER believe that they are equal (or superior :-P) to me in every single way. They deserve equality in marriage too.
I, too, have said silly, thoughtless things to people and play them over and over again in my head. Of course, THAT doesn't make me feel better .... just begins to sound worse and worse, and.... I end up driving myself nuts.
Anyway, is it possible you have had such a long friendship with her that you've seen relationships come and go, and... something she said about a new job or relocation made you think she had changed other things in her life? I do that.... like I have a million kids now, so.... you must too - that kind of thing....
I think the marriage thing applies to gay and straight couples in that sometimes we assume the relationship isn't as serious if the couple isn't married (I was long considered disposable by my boyfriend / now hubby's family until we were married and had a baby). Of course, this brings us back to your original point that marriage should be allowed for EVERYBODY.
You sound like a sensitive girl :-) - I'm sure your friend knows that....
Someday we'll talk more about these issues not in the public comment section of your blog. Until then, know that your friend, however long you hadn't talked, is likely not even thinking of your comment. She was just glad to see you. Because you're awesome. And because you so obviously care.
*big hugs*
She knows you didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean it in any kind of insulting way.
We all have what I call "nitwit moments," when something pops out of your mouth that if you actually thought about it, you would never let escape.
I'm sure she's heard much much worse from people that meant what they said.
I said something at a bar to a friend of mine 10 years ago (yes I was drunk) I still to this day replay it in my head and think "I am an idiot!" I hate when stuff comes out of my mouth when I forget to filter:/
I hate it when that happens.
Also, it's a big ole load of horse crap that gay people aren't allowed to be married. Enough already!
I don't think you did anything terrible, but maybe next time, you could just ask, How is so and so doing?, and make it like you assume they are still together.
Sometimes we say things that we just didn't think about and really, the other person doesn't even realize it. Homosexual relationships are equally as permanent AND non-permanent as heterosexuals. I have a gay friend who (before the whole marriage debate really started here) went to Canada to have a ceremony and he now refers to him as his husband. I think he even wears a ring (he lives on the other side of the state, so I can't be certain). The point is, if I ran into him and he didn't mention him in our conversation AT ALL, I would ask the same thing you did...but in the same way I would ask any married friend who didn't mention their spouse. Right?
The only way I know not to put my foot in my mouth is to keep it shut, which I know is never going to happen. Look, I have been in many similar situations, but the person looks away and never tries to get your attention, or does not even remember who you are with or if you are married or if you ever had kids. I think you should be proud you knew her name, asked about her wife and forget about it. You did everything right.
That is indeed where the double standard lies (lays?)! Good for you to realize that it was a normal question you'd ask others.
I honestly think you were only asking because you cared to know if they were still together. How else were you to know?
I was defending you all the way through while reading this because I was thinking the same thing: I WOULD ask a hetero friend if he/she was "still with [significant other]" and this is no different to me. Especially after a long absence, any one of us could have gotten divorced, spilt up, someone died, etc.
But then it occurred to me that asking that question of anyone can possibly be seen as insulting. Like you didn't expect it to last. Or like when my mother asks, "Is HE still around?" of the man who's been my husband for 13 years. So maybe the better question is, "How is [significant other]?" and let the person elaborate on the details of the relationship if they feel necessary.
I think with the divorce rate the way it is, it's safe to ask of just about anyone. Especially if they were in a rocky marriage when you knew them way back when. Which doesn't sound like the case here.
I am QUEEN of saying things I shouldn't...or of saying them in such a way that it sounds so much worse than what I was trying to say. But at least our mistakes are that - mistakes, accidents. The state and federal govenments? They are disciminating ON PURPOSE. Criminal.
love you ....
That is interesting. I get asked on a fairly regular basis if I am still married to my wife. I think it is a little strange when people ask it, but it must just be a sign that they don't think we are suitable for each other, or something. I don't get offended. I doubt that person got offended.