I Think She's What Darwin Was Talking About
I've mentioned before that Ali isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but apparently I need to be reminded of that fact from time-to-time. She recently opted to prove the point by demonstrating she's so dumb that she will starve herself to death.
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Whenever we get a new pet, there are certain rules that must be followed. The baby eats alone, for one. It's not that we're trying to run The Isolation Diner for Newbies, it's that there's a certain 15-year old white cat who will eat All Of The Things if given the chance. He's a lard ass when he only has access to his diet cat food for old cats who don't move unless they are kicked, so letting him get his paws on kitten food is like handing him a case of Ho-Hos and saying, "Enjoy!"
He would eat every last crumb in that case of Ho-Hos, by the way. Every. Last. Crumb.
When Ali was a kitten, she was given special treatment and encouraged to eat when she was in our bedroom. Her food was kept way up high where Powder the Lard Ass couldn't jump to reach it, but all she had to do was bat her eyes and we would put the food down for her.
She was happy right up until she got too old for kitten food.
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Here's the part where we fast forward to Penny splashing into our lives. She's a frequent customer at The Isolation Diner, except that we have been keeping her food bowl in the kitchen. I'm not sure why we moved things around. We just did.
Ali has been jumping up on the kitchen counters and stealing Penny's food when it's put up for the night. Somewhere around the third time she got busted for it, we started applying a bit of common sense and making it impossible for her to chow down on the puppy food.
She thanked us by standing in the kitchen and meowing loudly for hours on end.
Every day.
For hours on end.
MEEEEOW. MEEEEEOW. MEEEEEOW. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW, BITCHES. WHY AREN'T YOU FEEDING ME?
There is a very large bowl of cat food in our basement. It's one of those endless supplies sort of bowls and is hidden in the storage room. It's protected from the dogs by way of a baby gate (everybody is a food thief in this house, so protection and separation is required). It's a low baby gate. Powder the Lard Ass can jump over the gate (and obviously does...frequently), so there's no good reason for a healthy 2-year old cat to have trouble with this concept.
Except that she's dumb. Apparently.
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About a week ago, Ali started howling at me to feed her. Homey don't play that, though. I'm not her bitch and she can walk her little butt down the stairs and get her own damn food, thank you very much. After she spent 20 minutes taking a sledgehammer to my last nerve, I picked her up and escorted her down to the cat food bowl.
When I set her in front of that bowl, I swear she looked at me like I was a god. MEEEEOW! LOOK AT ALL THAT FOOD! HUMANS ARE AMAZING!
I seriously don't think she knew that food bowl was in there. She has lived in this house TWO YEARS and never noticed it.
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I have a terrible memory. I admit it. I can't remember anything anymore because my brain has been beaten to a pulp by a certain kindergartener who asks too many questions and sings too many annoying songs. However, I do believe if that someone showed me a wondrous place with magical quantities of yummy food, I would remember it.
Ali doesn't.
Every day there is squalling and meowing and general bossiness in the kitchen. Every day I escort her to the food bowl in the basement. Every day Ali acts like I am her god. She is completely shocked to find that there is food in front of her face and overjoyed that she gets to eat as much of it as she wants.
I'm relatively certain the cat is so small because she has been surviving on dead stink bugs, stray bits of dog food she scrounges up, and the occasional people food she finds on the floor. Since there is no cure for stupid, I'm guessing I will be showing her that food bowl every day for the rest of her life.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Reader Comments (9)
Oh poor Ali...though the sympathy for her is limited as we are treated to our own round the clock yowling for kitty num-nums though it this case the kitty in question is 14, going lame and has made it her mission to eat us out of chicken and beef. I wish I was kidding when I say that we gave her half a meatloaf but alas, I'm not.
And this may just have been the best thing that I read today!
Reason #245 why we only have frogs and turtles till time itself ends. Our one permanent doggy (we fostered a ton) would rather eat socks, tub cans, light bulbs, Barbie heads and the legs of my kitchen chairs rather than doggy food. We wound up foisting him off..... I mean..helping him find a new forever home with childless neighbors when I got divorced.. He doesn't eat lightbulbs any more. I am not meant to have fuzzies.
My stepmom recently moved her dog's food bowl to a different spot. It's still in the kitchen, maybe five feet from where it has been for the last ten years. The dog still needs to be shepherded to his food. Sigh.
I believe that cat has, indeed, made you her bitch.
Cats are evil. She's probably mocking you with all that joyous meowing ;-)
I have to agree with Jayna. She's playing you.
My cat never learned he could jump over the baby gate that led to his version of heaven (free access to upstairs where there was a bed! and a toilet!) If we had picked him up and walked him through jumping a few times we think he would have gotten the idea....but we never did because that was the cat hair-free zone up there. Maybe Ali can't figure out the gate (I am assuming it has holes in it-we always thought out cat had some optical illusion issue when looking)
making my not smart german shepherd look downright brilliant. thanks, ali!
I swear all of our pets are siblings in some way.
Hydrant (choc lab) will steal EVERYONE's food if given the chance, much like your whilte lard ass.
FireCat, much like Ali, gets "lost" frequently. And he did this when I lived w/ him in a 1 bedroom apartment. He'll stand in the middle of whatever-room-he-happens-to-get-"lost"-in and cry, cry, CRY until I find him and take him where he needs to be. And every single time he acts overjoyed to see me. Poor kitteh.
She's sure pretty though... ehem.
Really though, cats are different than dogs. Cats will actually starve themselves to death if they're sick or they don't like something. Maybe she doesn't like the food. Or maybe she doesn't like it being in the basement...
Might be worth a phone call to the vet at least...
Or she may just be dumb as rocks.. :)