It's Not The Kids Who Scare Me.
I never really belonged there. They all knew it.
From my reluctance to accept the local accent to the obvious ease at which I maintained straight A's, every single kid in my class knew I wasn't one of them. I wish I could say I was quietly confident and well-equipped to deal with the words they hurled at me when they were in the mood to hurt, but the truth is I spent many days hunched over at my desk silently crying.
I loved school, but dreaded the people I would see there. I buried my nose in books, busied myself with activities, and did my best to find a way to hang out with the boys. The boys weren't as mean. The boys weren't as cruel. The boys generally chose to do their bullying on the soccer field, rather than with words.
A soccer ball to the face hurt far less than the words.
With all the recent media coverage of bullying, the words have been drudged up from the depths of that little black box in the back of my memory. I slap on those 20/20 Hindsight Goggles and analyze those words, fully realizing that they were every bit as bad as they seemed to that gawky little girl with the mouse-brown hair. I don't know if bullying has gotten worse in the past *mumble*grumble* 20-something years, but the effects of bullying are being discussed more. It makes me wonder what the difference is . . . why I came out the other side with very few scars, and yet other kids have taken their own lives.
I don't know the answer.
I wonder what I can do to protect Alexis from battling those same demons. It's pretty obvious she inherited that Smart Gene, that thing that often made school so much more difficult. To be average is a blessing when surrounded by middle schoolers. To be different, in any way, is a sin.
Yet, at the same time, I'm often more worried about her becoming a Popular Girl, one of those girls who doles out punishment to everyone in her path. Alexis has a heart of gold, but I can already see the beginnings of social hierarchies amongst her preschool friends, and Alexis is a leader. That could turn out to be a very good thing, or it could turn out to be a very big challenge.
Figuring out how to teach her to be kind always to everyone makes me question what other parents are doing. I already see the early beginnings of bullies amongst our friends. Little boys who are often too rough when playing are praised for being tough as dad glows with the anticipation of standing on the sidelines at a football game. Little girls who command their peers to do their bidding, often with threats and insults thrown in as motivation, are admired for their leadership skills. But, they are little bullies. Already. And their parents fully support it.
And then my thoughts circle back to fourth grade. Stacy. That was her name. She was the meanest of the Mean Girls, and I was often the butt of her jokes. Her cruelty knew no bounds. She would often follow me around, hurling insults as I desperately tried to escape her venom. Stacy's mom was a nurse and highly involved with the school. She knew everything that went on. She volunteered to escort field trips. She showed up for school parties. She was in the front row at concerts.
She offered to do lice checks for the entire school.
It was fourth grade when she pointed a flashlight at my little head and declared that there might be lice. I don't really know if there was or wasn't . . . I just know that she told me to go home and wash my hair and that she would check it again when it was cleaner.
Despite the fact that I passed the re-check with flying colors, she opened her mouth. She told Stacy. I don't know exactly what was said, I just know that Stacy showed up for school armed with a whole new arsenal. "My mom found lice on her!" "She's so gross!" "Don't stand anywhere near her!" She screamed it all, wrote it on notes, broadcast it to the world.
Stacy was a bully, but her mom was something worse.
You guys, we can't let our kids be bullies. We just can't.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Reader Comments (24)
AMEN. I can't say that enough. We put Mag in private school to try to subdue the bullying, but it's there too, no matter how small the school is. Every year (since Kindergarten) there has been one kid that Maggie has has issues with, but the person is usually just that way to EVERYONE, not just her. Until last week...a new boy to the school this year told her she was fat. My poor girl. UGH....stinkin kids. We had to talk about it all weekend, she was that upset. She did the right thing, she went right to the principal (who was there with the kids at lunch) who dealt with it, but still. It breaks my heart.
Hoping Alexis rules her pre-school with kindness, instead of cruelty. That's what we try to teach Mag! Good luck!!
I have been wanting to write a post on this for a while now. I have been teaching an Internet safety unit to my 1st-4th graders and we are just getting into the whole "Cyberbully" part. I was teased all through middle school and I am dreading those years for my girls. I pray that they aren't bullied and also that they know better than to ever be the ones to tease or bully someone else. The whole Cyberbullying thing scares me, since this can now be taken to a whole new level of mean. As parents, we just have to keep educating our kids on this topic and keep the conversation open as they grow and hope what we say sinks in.
Ugh. She was something far worse. And we know where Stacy got it. I agree. And I struggle with exactly your fears. How to balance self-confidence and kindness. How to be there for them if they are the targets and take them down and teach them if they are leaders.
I totally agree. It is not ignorance, it is action. We need to set an example for our children, and talk to them out loud about how we should treat the people around us.
if all the parents of the world actually worried about who/ what their children would grow up to be there would be so much less bullying in the world. just the fact that you care enough to worry means you are already on the right track :)
Unfortunately, one of my cousin's kids is going to be that bully. Kid is just MEAN. She'll post on Facebook about the things that he has said to other kids or even adults (!!!) who are complete strangers like it's funny. Sad thing is he's learning that behavior somewhere.
Must you always make me cry? Kids aren't born bullies, they learn it. As long as you're teaching your daughter to be a leader and to be kind, you should be okay. Unfortunately other parents won't teach their kids the same thing.
This post? Could've come from my own brain. I agree with all you've said.
I went through hell in school. It wasn't enough I had a hearing disability and wore an aide, I had to be smart as hell too. Add those two together...
Then I left home at 16 an emancipated teen. I kept myself in school and worked full time. The bullying never stopped, only now I had a few teachers that thought I was a bad apple. You would think they'd give me kudos for staying in school - but no.
Skye entered kindergarten well ahead of her peers. She could read and write, while they struggled with the alphabet. Fast forward a few years and she's put in an accelerated program, a combination of 3rd and 5th grade. These kids would automatically advance past 4th grade.
She lasted 6 months, before the reports started coming home. Skye wasn't doing her homework, didn't participate in class. The thing is she worked hours on her homework every single day, even weekends. What she failed to do...was hand it in. When they opened her locker they found every single homework assignment she had completed over the past few months.
Two weeks later Skye landed back into a normal classroom. She kept a solid A-B average all through high school. What she never did again, was allow herself to display her full potential. My daughter dumbed herself down to be just like every one else. My heart broke, but in the end I couldn't force her to be something she hated.
Bullies fear anything that is above their abilities or different. I have all I can do, not to knock someone's teeth down their throat when they boast, 'It's a right of passage'. Bullying is cruelty in all it's ugliness. (Hugs)Indigo
I completely agree. That kind of meanness is taught. Children observe and learn very quickly. It is a horrid cycle.
It reminds me of a song from the musical "South Pacific" called "You've Got To Be Carefully Taught"
Kids are not vicious at heart. They are taught that. I blame the parents too.
Kindness and compassion need to be taught at very young ages. I'm glad you are fostering those values and watching for signs of less desireable actions. As we all should.
Indigo, I hope your daughter was able to find an outlet for her potential when she reached college. College was where I could be myself - smart and nerdy, silly and fun - and not be put down for it. I hope Skye finds the same thing. I'm so sorry she went through that.
Re: Private school being a place where bullying is somehow less - I disagree. I went to private school for my entire elementary/HS education and it was SMALL. I graduated with a class of 48 - most of whom I'd been going to school with since 1st grade. Let me tell you, that old adage about familiarity breeding contempt was painfully true in my school. I was the outcast. The weirdo. The one who's sister MUST be lesbian because she hung out with a girl best friend and didn't date (for the record, my sister does not happen to be lesbian, but so what if she was?). I was one of the smart kids but I wasn't a smart, cool kid (we had a few of those). I read books for fun (what?!). I didn't wear the latest styles. Whatever they could needle me with, they did - until I started fighting back.
The teachers never did anything. The principals never did anything. *I* did something. When I got tired of being physically abused by boys, I tripped them in front of the class so they made fools of themselves. When they stole my books and wouldn't give them back, I left handprints on their faces when I slapped them. They learned to back off because they knew I'd make them look foolish.
I got in trouble a time or two by doing this but I was lucky that I had parents who would rather see my stand up for myself and get in trouble for it than take the abuse that wasn't being controlled by the adults.
My husband had it worse than I did. So much so that the slightest hint of bullying sends him off the rails. I hope and pray that neither of our children has to face that and that we can help them if they do.
breaks my heart that you had to know such pain
Everyone has rough years in school. I was also a smart kid and had to deal with kids always saying comments. It got so bad that I called my grandfather one day to bring my work to school that I forgot and ended up crying just to take me away. I just couldn't bear the thought of going through life if this was the way it was going to be.
I got through it. Then when I did my student teaching in a middle school I realize that age group especially is just hard...everyone is trying to find their way for good or bad. I bet if you talk with the people who were mean, they were having issues of their own. Doesn't excuse them or the parents and I will never talk or "friend" the people who made my life hell but it gave me perspective.
My huband (who had similar issues) and I try not to put our insecurities in our son. To teach him to treat all kids with respect. You don't have to be friends with everyone but you must be nice. I think the best thing we can do as parents is keep an open communication with our kids so we know what is occuring. Currently my kid is the humorous slightly distracting one....it will be an interesting ride.
You are going to find a way. If anyone can do it, it is YOU.
I was always the nerd - with extra-thick glasses, out-of-style hand-me-down clothes (even though I was the oldest) who could never afford anything - book orders, field trips, school pictures, camp, you name it. I can't remember anyone in particular making me feel bad about it, but I did.
My kids go to a small, private school. They wear uniforms. And so far, they are OK. But we, as a family, don't put a whole lot of importance in the type of car someone drives or the brand of shoes they wear. I'm hoping that they'll understand that these things make no difference in the person someone truly is. And I'm hoping they surround themselves with similar-minded friends who will defend them if necessary and whom they will defend til the end. That's what got me through. Friends.
Based on one of your most recent posts, Alexis follows this same strategy. She's a true, loyal friend.
This is a fantastic piece, really fantastic.
My heart goes out to your younger self! I went through some teasing/bullying myself (just wrote about it, actually), and it sucked to go through. I don't know why some of us come out the other side, and come out stronger. I wish we could teach all the kids going through it how to end it and how to survive it.
There are definitely parents out there like Stacy's mom, but I am glad to know that there are parents out there like you! I don't necessarily think that kids learn to be bullies by watching their parents. I think kids inherently try things out, and some kids enjoy the feeling of power over others. I think it would be very hard to raise a child who is popular and who enjoys that feeling of influence over others.
I actually think it's very hard to teach our kids respect and kindness for everyone, but I think it might be the MOST important thing we do as parents. Good luck to you and Alexis!
It's the parents for sure. Every single bully we have ever come across has had asshole bully parents.
Amen. I remember people being bullies. I remember one older girl who rode my bus. She would hit me on her way past me to exit the bus at her stop - every single day. Until she upped the ante and started sticking gum in my hair as she walked by. I didn't even know her - I was just smaller so she felt she could be mean. I was too ashamed to tell my mom - what could she have done but make it worse? Argh. Mean girls are the entire reason I cringe about sending my kids off to school.
Can't agree enough here. Even I have observed, its the parents who encourage this in their kids or rather don't stop their kids from behaving rude. There is a very thin line between encouraging the kids to be confident and kindness as one other blogger friend mentioned. I've seen many parents feel proud that their kids are so bold (popular in their opinion) totally ignoring the fact that the kid is hurting the other kid physically or emotionally or just being plain rude.
Kids will not understand all this until the parents explain this to them. I don't know how to make such parents understand this other than expose this to their face which I'm not sure if I can ever do.
How awful that you were treated that way! It makes my blood boil! And that woman, what a waste of a human being. It makes me sick to my stomach. Since I haven't been exposed to any of this as a parent yet, and honestly I was never really exposed to it as a child, your post is very poignant for me, as are all the other stories that have been bombarding the media recently. I've been thinking about bullying more than I ever have before. So thank you to you and all of the others who share these intimate stories that most likely still smart with the memory of that humiliation. Its making an impact.
And I have NO doubt that Alexis will blossom into a kind and generous adult under your guidance.
Parents have such a scary and difficult job. Funny thing is, we think the lack of sleep in the beginning is hard, but, little do we know, that is really the easy part!!
We've battled this since Becky was Alexis's age. Somehow Becky learned to live above it, while also becoming one of the Popular Girls. She's a leader, and she doesn't hesitate to call someone on the mat if the need arises, but she's all about building up and never tears down. She has learned the hard way that words hurt and has vowed never to do that to anyone, nor allow it in her presence.
I wish I knew what to tell you. While it's a major success story, I did nothing phenomenal to bring it about. Kids learn what they're taught, whether it's love and acceptance, or otherwise. And I hate that parents don't instinctively know that, or worse - don't care. And then there are the parents who teach by example that others are there simply to trample on so that you can reach the top faster. Those parents need to supervise two dozen preschoolers for a month solid as punishment.
The teen was bullied in 3rd grade. It was a tough road for both of us because I wasn't sure how to handle it and let the school take the lead. Hind sight, I think they made some bad decisions. In the end, it all worked out thankfully. Eventually the teen became friends with the bully. Weird. Now, though, they are no longer friends and have gone their separate ways. The girl's parents are nice people. But, I heard she had issues at home she was dealing with. Don't know what. And she was a latch key kid. The parents were constantly "buying" her love. Now Diva's in 3rd grade. She's much more outgoing than her sister was. She isn't a tom boy. I think she's doing ok, but still, the worry is there, in the back of my head. And if things start to go array, I'll be more prepared to deal with it. I hope.
That sort of shit (sorry, but I'm cursing today) starts at HOME. You have to raise children with respect for everyone. No excuse for that mean mommy. Blargh.
People don't take bullying seriously enough, and now more children are taking their own lives because of it. CHILDREN. I posted on this a few weeks ago and I still shiver when I think about it.