Shattered Pride
A wall of noise reached out and smacked us in the faces as I opened the door. It's always like that at the Dance Studio on Thursdays. Four very full classes overlap, so the place vibrates with madness and chaos.
As Alexis and I weaved a path through the crowd, we spotted a little opening by a wall. We settled in and I helped her quickly yank off her t-shirt and change into her tiny black dance shoes. As soon as she was ready for class, she glanced over at some other girls from her group who were running and jumping through the waiting room, joyously doing that thing that little girls do.
"Momma, can I go play with them?" Alexis asked. Normally I would have told her no because I'm not a fan of shenanigans in such a crowded space. I sensed that it really mattered to her this time, though, and class was set to begin in just a minute or two. That didn't leave much time for her to do anything that I would have to fuss at her for, so I nodded as I stuffed her tennis shoes into her dance bag.
Alexis skipped over to the two girls as they stood in the center of the room bouncing and giggling.
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I registered Alexis for her very first gymnastics class when she was just a few days short of two years old. It was a Mommy and Me class selected specifically because she was so terribly shy that if a stranger so much as glanced at her, she would fall apart.
Alexis spent every minute of every class glued to me. That was the point, though. I wanted to push the limits of her comfort zone just a little bit. As time went on, I re-enrolled her again and again, eventually graduating to a "kids only" class that was a combination of gymnastics and dance. Alexis really wanted to dance, but she needed the familiarity of the gymnastics class.
Gradual change.
Little-by-little.
Eventually she started going into a dance class without major tears or drama. She always loved the class once she decided to participate, it was just that initial separation anxiety that did her in.
When we changed to a new dance studio, *POOF* the shyness was completely gone.
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As Alexis skipped over to the girls in the middle of the crowded room, I thought back to the days when she wouldn't make eye contact with another kid during dance class. In just under four years, she has grown leaps and bounds. She much more confident now, far more outgoing, and can take control of a room without batting an eyelash. She has learned to enjoy being the center of attention, even when the attention comes from people she doesn't know.
But she knew those girls.
She's been in class with them for weeks. They're a bit older than her, but really, that's generally how Alexis likes it. She gravitates towards kids who are into the same things she is, and she is most definitely into things that are more appropriate for a slightly older kid.
Alexis confidently pushed her way into the conversation between the two giggling girls.
But then, something happened.
I don't know what. The room was so loud that I couldn't hear the words, but I watched as Alexis' expression shifted from confident and happy to angry and confused. Then her entire face fell as she morphed to hurt. Tears began to fall as she turned and ran back to me.
"What happened?" I asked as she threw herself into my lap.
"They said I can't play with them because I don't have a dad here," she sobbed.
The answer was almost more confusing than anything I could have expected, but I managed to gather that the two men in the waiting room belonged to the two giggling girls who had trounced away as Alexis left the conversation in tears. It didn't make sense why having your dad take you to dance class was suddenly a status thing, but since when do 6-year olds make sense?
I didn't know what to do. I had no idea what to say. They don't tell you how to handle this sort of stuff in any of those "What to Expect When You're Expecting" books.
I ended up having to drag Alexis into her class, still sobbing and upset. I don't know if it was the right thing to do. I just knew that heeding her pleas to go home wouldn't solve anything.
It's moments like that which make me wonder if Alexis wasn't originally right to be leery of everyone. It's certainly safer to be shy.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Reader Comments (18)
Little girls suck. Actually the big ones do sometimes too. Sigh...I wish people would be nicer to one another.
This makes me mad. There was no reason for them to be mean to her. We are dance drop-outs but so far gymnastics remains promising...
OOF. This is the kind of crap I'm hearing from school with Maggie. Who is wearing a dress matters, what color shoes, how they fix their hair... they pick something new each day that makes them 'special' it seems. I can't keep up! All I can do is try my best to explain to Maggie that those things don't matter. And if those people make her feel bad because of those things, then they don't matter, either. Sigh.
Little girls are the nastiest substance on earth sometimes. It's important, tho, for our girls to learn how to let this sort of behavior roll off them now, because it only gets worse as they get older. (Crap like this for the Howler started in Kindergarten & 1st grade with the one snot--and the snot's snot mother refused to let the Howler in the Daisy GS troop 1st grade which just proved where the snot 6 year old got it, and in 2nd grade with a different one)
We're trying to walk a fine line with the Howler--how to let others' bad behavior (like what you described) roll, and to be sure she does NOT treat others that way, either. Those aren't things that you learn in a day, so we've been working on it for years.
The flip side is that when her BFF treats her badly, and she cries and mopes and whines, but then the snot shows up at my house, the Howler follows her like a puppy looking for a whippin'. We're trying to teach our Howler that THAT's not friend behavior either. (We also are lucky enough to be friends with Dad, and can make it clear to the BFF that what she did wasn't okay, either, without it becoming one of those crappy neighbor issues...but it also follows that BFFs Dad can tell the Howler off as well. So far, it's working.)
It's not just little girls, honestly. I have a 5 year old son and there are two boys on the playground who are friends who go back and forth from one day to the next whether they are friends with him or not. Some days he tells me "Stuart said he's not my friend anymore." I have watched them tease some... and it hurts my heart, because Sam (my son) doesn't understand why anyone would stop being friends with him - he just wants to be friends with everyone. So far, this is the most heartbreaking part of being a mom for me.
It's not fun being excluded! My kids have been through similar stuff. All I can say to them is that those kids decided to be hurtful instead of friendly. Still doesn't help, but it must be pointed out so that they learn how NOT to treat others. Have you read "Purplicious", sequel to "Pinkalicious"? It's about bully behavior and finding out how to be yourself.
ew. Mean girls already? This is why the idea of large groups of girls is terrifying to me. I always hung out with boys. This is part of why I love being a teacher, because I get to address these issues with my students and let them know that meanness is unnecessary and unacceptable!
Tell Alexis I <3 her!
Dear Sweet, Wonderful Alexis,
See, there are people in this world (kids or grown ups BOTH) who are good, kind and sweet like you and your momma. They do wonderful things for people. They make people smile. They understand hurt and try to make it better not be the cause of it. Those people, they are the ones worth your tears, your heart, your energy and thoughts. Like how my eyes get full when your mom tells us about something sweet you do. Like how I cry for how sweet and giving your mommy is, how unselfish she is even when things aren't going her way.
Then there are people who totally suck. Yes, my son who turns 9 tomorrow has known that horrible word since he started kindergarten and I had no other words for the evil that was his TEACHER, a grown up! but it soon came to apply to those people with no regard for anything or anyone but themselves. People who don't care how others feel. People who don't touch anyone in a good way. Even some people who got their happy from making other people feel bad.
But my wise & funny son soon taught me that the absolute BEST way to deal with people like that was to just walk away. He thinks maybe they suck, maybe they are just sad their mommies can't come and are protecting THEIR hearts from hurt or maybe they weren't worth his wonderful energy to begin with because they just haven't gotten to the place yet where anyone else matters but them.
I hope you don't let the people who suck hurt your heart enough to stop you from sharing your warm, bubbly, wonderful self. Even we who only get to hear about it on the internet and not see it everyday can see your special wonderful YOU. The people who take the time to see YOU and be happy they know you....they are lucky.
My son asked me to add "Don't let them see you cry cuz because if they are really not nice and not just stupid then they probably like that. Hug your mommy hard, smile and go have fun at dance." (his 'dance' is ice hockey, he wouldn't let anyone else ruin his fun time for anything)
Love you from 2 hours away.
D&D
OUCH. As far as I can tell, girls this age tend to focus on their similarities (those two had dads there...) and shun those who might be perceived as different. Maybe they were self-conscious because usually their moms take them? Who knows? But they acted inappropriately and they probably don't even know it. I doubt Alexis would ever do something like that but in our home that would just be a teachable moment.
My oldest daughter started pre-K this year and her class is ALL girls (6 total, including her). She has since told me "I have ugly hair. It's not yellow like 'L's'" and "My teacher won't like me in this outfit" (which is totally unfounded because I have NEVER heard their teacher utter one unkind word...and this is our third time 'round). I don't understand little girls. I don't understand big girls. I don't understand grown women who can't follow one simple rule: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Sorry, Alexis. You have a mom AND a dad who rock. Those girls are probably just jealous.
This happens all the time, boys and girls, and I'm surprised if this is your first brush with this type of behavior. We have a large number of children on the street, and both the boys and girls, at various ages, are at various times doing these silly, exclusionary things. This type of behavior is starting to come on the radar of educators as the beginnings of learned, bullying behavior. My daycare (for three, four, five and six year olds) already actively works to stop kids from doing these types of things, and it is amazing how young it starts. And I don't think it is anything new, we're just paying attention to it more.
I don't make a big deal of it. I shrug, say, that is really mean, I think you should not play with so and so for a while, and get the child involved in something else. Alexis is a smart girl. Ask her if she felt that it really made any sense, and confirm for her your thoughts about the whole thing. I find it helps to engage the smart child in a more intellectual discussion about what went on. (later, after they are no longer emotional about it) They eventually kind of get it on their own, by you asking some questions that lead them there. (Doesn't make it hurt any less, unfortunately.)
And the next thing to knock you over...will be when you catch Alexis engaging in similar behavior. No matter how sweet your child, it will happen at some point. Children try out different behaviors that they see, it will not mean that she is any less sweet than you think her to be. And then you talk to her about the instances where it happened to her, and why it felt bad to her, and how she made the other child feel as she did previously.
I know you know this, but we can't keep our kids in a bubble. If you do that, they aren't prepared for life. If they never learn how to deal with adversity, then they need us to sit in the office, pleading with their college professors for a grade change, or to intervene in job interviews. We need to teach our children more to use their heads, and to feel strong enough about themselves that they do not need to go along with the mob.
She's in good hands with you and your husband.
And the opening paragraph...love your writing.
heartbreaking.
OH my heart! Your poor baby girl. The drama sure starts young with girls it seems. Boys just don't seem to have it the same way as girls. Well, I'm sure nerdy boys get picked on. Why can't people just be kind to one another?
I was hurt by a girl who said she was my friend when I moved to a new school then said she wasn't. She just wanted to see how many friends she could get. She had the misfortune of having the locker below mine our freshman year in high school. I might have bumped her head a few times with my locker door. Oops. I guess I needed to be kinder myself.
There were some outcast kids in my son's private school when he was in high school. He said he was always nice to them because he was afraid they would end up being the ones that brought a gun to school and shoting people and wanted to make sure he wasn't one of them.
It's a sad world we live in, isn't it?
So true, and gosh- over the years- if I have learned anything as a mom it is that 1}Girls are ridiculously mean and petty, and 2}watching your kid get hurt emotionally is far worse than any emotional scarring we got as kids. poor Alexis, and Poor, poor Alexis' mama! :(
Kids are dicks. And it's always kids like ours that get hurt by them. neither of my kids are perfect, but they have both always been the kind to welcome anyone - there is always room for one more to join in and they are the type to stand up and defend someone being mistreated. but those soft hearts get broken easy. But that's OK - kids like ours will grow up to be kind, caring, giving adults and that will make it all worth it.
Ugh. Kids can be so mean. And it gets worse as they get older. I will never understand. I remember living through it and now watching my own children live through it and all I can think is, "too bad I'd get arrested for smacking someone else's kid." Hmphh. I'm sorry Alexis got hurt... I hope she will realize that not all kids are mean little jerks and put herself out there again... dance class can be a magical place.
Deven has been telling me similar things on the way home from school. It's reaaly hard to hear, and even harder to explain. I tell him to shrug i off, but I don't know if that's good advice. The kids who say that stuff probably think nothing of it, but Deven is very sensitive and takes it to heart. Ugh.
Kids are dumb. In general they don't make any sense. One minute they are best friends and the next they are being hideous to each other. It's madness. And it isn't just mean girls. At the school Halloween party Joey's friends suddenly wouldn't let him sit with them or be in their group for some of the activities. He was so hurt. In general I just try to make light of it for him, "Oh they are just grouchy right now." or "Just ignore them for now." I try and make it more about the kids being in a bad mood than about him. But it still hurts him. Of course then they are back to being best friends again the next day. So weird. I just don't get it.
Watching your kid get hurt. It's the worst. And I fear it will only get tougher as the hurts go deeper. :(
The sad thing is-I have seen this at a preschool in the 4's class. there were 2 little girls who would constantly tell other girls they could/couldn't play with them base on:
-you are/are not wearing a dress, have your hair in a ponytail, you name does/doesn't start with....
I. was. floored. They were 4!
I went weekly there to play with one of the other kids...so I talked to the teachers-who were aware of it and attempting to stop it- but couldn't be on top of them all day...
4!