The Elf Got Pummeled While Sitting on the Shelf
If I could make the entire internet repeat a phrase after me until they believed the words in their heart of hearts, I would make everyone repeat "It's OK that other people choose to celebrate holidays differently than I do."
Yup. Give me the power to change the world and THAT is what I'm doing.
It makes me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that so many people spend their social media time telling others that they're doing it wrong. It's not wrong. It's different.
Which is how I soften the blow when I say ... I hate your damn Elf.
Sorry, I do.
NOTE: I am not saying that you shouldn't have an Elf! It's cool that you like him! Just keep him out of my house, please!
I don't want an Elf on the Shelf for a number of reasons, but really high on the list is the fact that I can't do anything half way. I would quickly turn into that annoying overachiever who spends an hour a night carefully crafting a clever scene for the Elf. I don't have time for all of that nonsense, so I won't be going there. EVER.
Besides, the Elf on the Shelf annoys me. Everything about him is annoying, kind of like Kesha. I have felt this way from the moment that stupid Elf first made his appearance in stores. I won't be changing my mind any time soon.
Enter Alexis.
APPARENTLY kids compare notes and feel the need to tell each other about things that happen in their homes. APPARENTLY several kids that Alexis knows have an Elf. APPARENTLY those kids have told her that he is fun.
She started asking a few weeks ago.
"Mom, can we get an Elf? Please?"
No. The answer is no. I will stick to that forever and ever.
But the child kept asking. And asking. And asking. She kept telling me that she was sad that others had him and she didn't and I SMELLED SOMETHING FISHY AND IT WASN'T KIARA'S BREATH.
It's not like Alexis to covet something another kid has. It really isn't. The whole thing was suspicious. So, I asked questions.
"Why do you want an Elf, Alexis?" I asked.
"Because he gets into trouble," she replied.
"You do know that he watches what you do and tells Santa if you're bad, right?" I said.
"Yeah, I know," she replied.
The questioning went on. And on. I wanted to know the real reason she wanted an Elf. If you think about it, there is no good reason a kid should WANT an Elf in his or her house. It can only lead to tattling, after all.
Finally, after about five minutes, the quizzing worked. I finally found the right way to ask the question so that Alexis would admit what it is about the stupid Elf that she finds appealing. FINALLY.
She said, "The Elf is creepy. I kinda like creepy stuff, especially because I can throw things at him."
Alexis is so definitely mine, but she still isn't going to get a chance to throw stuff at him in her own home.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Reader Comments (9)
She needs AtheistElf!
I am not fond of the elf, the same way I am not fond of certain dolls - I find them creepy. And I know if we had one I'd end up turning to my husband and yelling, "IT'S STARING AT ME! Make it stop!" It's also entirely possible I watched a lot of horror movies as a kid and the elf reminds me if the dolls that come alive at night and go on murderous rampages.
I am happy the other people find joy in it and don't think the elf is going to kill them in the middle of the night. And I even enjoy their posts about it sometimes..
You know... if I can't see the creepy elf eyes staring at me.
I hate the stupid elf. I wish I hadn't bought him in a moment of mommy guilt weakness. Because once you start that shit, you can never undo it. I just know that when they are 17, they are going to make me do it because it is tradition. Stupid elf.
We have an elf, although he didn't make an appearance last year and I'm trying to keep him in storage this year. What I hate is that people take things TOO FAR. I mean, if the elf is watching out for the kids, making sure they don't get into mischief, then why does the elf get to do naughty things? Naughty, inventive things that I have to come up with and then clean up the next day? For 24 danged days?!? No, this chickadee right here does NOT have the energy for that nonsense. I can barely remember to move him every night to a new location.
So, in the closet he stays. Until I have grandkids. (Insert Grinchy smile here.)
Yet another reason Alexis is by far one of the coolest kids I know.
Our elf is generally a happy guy. And he does his job--sitting on in places, leaving the kids notes. Seeing things on Pinterest with "top 50 elf ideas!!!!" kind of drives me crazy.
LOL. She cracks me up.
Alexis is my kind of kid! Love it!
I took to Facebook last night, complimenting my friend's creativity, while at the same time declaring my hatred for the elf. I think I lost a few friends. I'm totally with you dude. CREEPY. And not in my house!