Thursday
Feb242011
The Lights Are On, But Nobody Is Home
Ali celebrated her first birthday earlier this week, making her officially not a kitten anymore. With that milestone came a realization--I can no longer blame her brand of dumb on youth. As in, HOLY CRAP, she's not just stupid, that cat is downright defective.
Borked.
Impaired.
A whole bag of french fries short of a Happy Meal.
Dumber than a box of Barbie dolls.
The wheel is spinning, but there is no hamster.
For some reason, I thought the adorable little thing would outgrow her . . . shortcomings. She hasn't. AT ALL. She's still a sweet and tolerant and lovely little cat, but I think it's because her brain is duller than a marble. Like, she doesn't know how to do anything except be nice.
Just a few of her signs of defect:
- How many times can she get locked in the hall closet before she'll figure out to stop going in there? I DON'T KNOW. We haven't reached that milestone yet, despite the fact that she gets locked in that closet at least daily. She once spent an entire day (about 9 hours) locked in there, and yet the second someone opens the door, in she prances. Is she looking for a secret door to an underground catnip farm? A giant nest of tasty mice? A couple of brain cells? I DON'T KNOW.
- A normal cat will ram its head into your leg when it wants a few minutes of attention. Ali is not a normal cat. Ali thinks it makes sense to throw her entire body to the floor and kick her legs up in the air when she wants you to pay attention to her. The first few times she did it, I briefly wondered if she was trying to imitate a fish out of water. Nope, just stupid.
- The cat has been alive for twelve months. TWELVE MONTHS. That should be plenty of time to figure out how to nudge a door open. Apparently, for her, it's not. If a door isn't left wide enough for her to just walk through, she will stand there and meow. And meow. And meow. It hasn't occurred to her to use her nose to make the opening between a door and a wall a little wider. She's never thought to just stick her paw in the gap and pull the door open. The only thing she can do is meow like the helpless little borked cat that she is.
- When Ali decides she needs or wants something in the middle of the night, she tries to reach up through your nose and open your eyes from the inside. Seriously. The number of times I have woken up to a paw stuck in my nostril is pretty close to equal to the number of times I have screamed before accidentally launching a cat across the room.
- Do you want to guess how many times Ali has forgotten that glass exists? Think of the biggest number you know. Now double it. The cat has launched herself into a window while trying to catch something on the other side so many times that I don't even laugh when she does it anymore. Ali bashing her head into a window is as much a part of my day as breathing.
Defective, but cute.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Reader Comments (21)
I had a dumb cat - best cat ever. I had one cat so smart I was a little afraid of her. She could open closed doors. She would jump up and hook her paws around the knob and rock back and forth to turn it while pushing off the jamb with her back paws. She had one paw with 6 toes - my theory was that she was trying to get that opposable thumb she was lacking and then she was coming for the can opener and the car keys.
I love defective animals. They entertain me. Luckily, I am VERY entertained in this house.
@Michelle--That's EXACTLY what we have going on in our house. Powder is crazy smart and can turn on water faucets and open doors (he's long enough to just reach up and wiggle the knob until it comes loose enough for him to pull the door open from the bottom). And then there's Ali...
If that happened to me in the middle of the night there would be nothing "accidental" about launching the cat across the room.
As the owner of a supremely stupid dog (Kerrygirl) I say thank God for dumb animals. I love that she'll stand in a doorway with the door wide open and not move because she thinks there's a magic forcefield that disappears when a human picks up a leash. I LOVE that i could carry a leash that's totally not connected to her and she'll walk along just as carefully. I am minorly annoyed by the fact I have to pull her food dish out from under the island 130,985 times a week because she hasn't figure how to bat it out with her paw during her 8 years of life. ANd it's kind of funny that she still thinks she's a Paris Hilton chihuahua in spite of being 45lbs of pure muscle, although th leaping into my arms topples me over and knocks the freaking wind out of me.
She's a wonderfully sweet and tolerant dog and perfect around little children and I think it's because she just doesn't know any better.
Ali sounds like she's autistic. I have a male cat that is the same exact way. Pumba is 9 now and he still has his days. He's outgrown some stuff, but the majority is just who he is.
He'll forget he had a drink of water and come back a few minutes later and get another drink, walk away and come back again. Till I literally have to either chase him away from the water or put it up. Otherwise he'll sit in front of the water bowl all day long.
He has freaky moments of staring at nothing in particuliar with his eyes straight ahead at the wall or ceiling. I used to wonder if there was a ghost in the house he had conversations with daily. According to my husband (since I can't hear him anyway being deaf) He chatters non-stop, to the point one of the other cats will walk up to him and wallop him (kind of like someone slapping a screaming person) to get him to be quiet. All in all I wouldn't trade him. He's the most loving cat out of the bunch. (Hugs)Indigo
accidentally launching? i think not...
@Becoming Mommy--I think the same thing about Ali. I bet she puts up with all of the stuff that she does because she genuinely doesn't realize that she doesn't have to. Heh.
There were literally tears pouring down my face as I read this. Ali (coincidentally my name) sounds exactly my cat O'doyle (minus the paw up the nose thing). They must have been seperated at birth.
Honestly I'm with the majority that defective pets are the best. I still have fond memories of our "special" cat Jumbo that would consistently look around in confusion every time the doorbell rang or someone knocked. She never once made the connection between the noise and someone magically appearing in the house.
Hilarious. I love that you don't have any problem calling your cat dumb. People are really sensitive to that. I have one smart dog and one dumb one. I know the feeling. The dumb one is the sweetest dog of all time, but I'm not sure she even knows where she is half the time. The absent minded stare and smile gives it away every time.
@Otter--Facts are facts, man. That cat acts like she was dropped on her head at birth.
Uh, Jelly still doesn't realize he can open a door with his nose. And don't even get me started on the fact that he couldn't go down more than 3 steps until he was FOUR YEARS OLD!
It must be a cat thing. My two cats do a lot of the same things. I think it's an act though, setting us up for total domination.
That's a great picture of your cat!
Sometimes I wish my cat was dumb. She is entirely too smart and I am waiting for the day she locks me out of my own house because I didn't give her enough treats before I left for work. Ha ha!
Beautiful photo of Ali :)
She won't grow up entirely for about 3 years. Then she will just sleep alot and you'll miss all of the fun--trust me on this.
I love it. Our dog is not too sharp but the cat was brilliant. Also schizophrenic. The bunny is just... spastic.
Oh, how I cracked up laughing at this post. HILARIOUS. Especially the bathroom door bit -- why can't cats understand this concept?!
I, too, am the owner of a dumb cat. Although I think yours has trumped mine. :) Then again, my cat sleeps sitting up, as if he's waiting for something to happen and he needs to be in position, ready to pounce if so.
Cat launching <snickers>. This is why I am glad I do not have cats. The middle o' the night adventures would scare me half out of my mind, and I've already lost the other half.
I think, perhaps, your last bullet point explains away ALL of the others! :)