The Power of If
I've always thought "if" is a terribly weak word. It's not if you're going to do it. It's when you're going to do it. Positive thinking, and all of that, is what matters.
To quote William Jennings Bryan "Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not something to be waited for; it is something to be achieved."
"If" has no place in making destiny.
But then there came a day when I realized "If" had fallen out of my head. For years and years, I didn't use it. I didn't use "when" either. It just wasn't. Alexis was to be an only child and that was all there was to it. There were no ifs or buts or when. There was nothing.
And then there was less than nothing.
I still haven't brought back the "if." Which, that's kind of hysterical when you think about it. 22 weeks into what should probably be considered a "when" is likely WAY past the point of reasonable. But, sometimes the brain doesn't make sense when it thinks with the heart.
Which is all to say there's a reason I have done absolutely nothing to prepare for the if or when or whatever. There are no tiny clothes sitting in a closet. I sort of started looking at strollers for a millisecond, but then something shinier came along. I'm vaguely aware that there are other things we probably need to buy, but whatever. I can barely remember that there's an if or when or whatever on the way, let alone do something to prepare for it. The brain doesn't allow in that which is not possible. Or so it seems ...
It's funny the power the word "if" has. I wouldn't have ever known if I hadn't been forced to invite it back into my life.
(Adding to the hilarity of my refusal to accept the "when" into my life: the Tiny Human has been hosting a crazy kung fu dance party the entire time I was typing this. SUCH ATTITUDE. SO SOON.)
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Reader Comments (9)
I know exactly what you mean. Other end of the spectrum, but yeah.
We're going to need a stroller for Kennywood!
I know exactly what you mean...
at 16 weeks, I am still a little scared to let myself hope for/wait for/anticipate/whatever the little one's arrival. I am a nervous wreck before every scan and test... The husband often touches my belly fondly, and it scares me even more seeing his excitement and expectation...
Just praying for the best for you and me... Altebest!
AND... Wish you a very very happy birthday!
I felt the same way with my pregnancy after a loss. We didn't even have the nursery ready until a week before my due date (we had the crib from my daughter, but the room was a construction issue). I told my husband that I was relieved not to have it too early because the loss had made me so scared to believe in the when/if.
Enjoy the tummy gymnastics! Congratulations.
I held my breath the entire time I read this. There will be plenty of time to prepare for the if/when/whatever. Be healthy, enjoy Alexis and her crazy kung fu dance. You are in my prayers.
I totally get it. We're expecting our 2nd (my daughter is 5 yrs old). After a while trying, and 2 miscarriages, it still doesn't always seem real.
I'm also 22 weeks (didn't realize until this post we were the same amount along in our pregnancies), and sporting a huge belly and a baby who holds dance parties in there, and I STILL have moments where I'm like "holy cow! there's a BABY in there!"
We did pick up the crib a few days ago, but other than that have done exactly zero preparation. In my mind I know Peanut will be here sooner rather than later, but it still doesn't FEEL that way.
xoxo
I get that. Even though it has been our younger daughter, and not me with the struggle, I am still almost afraid to think about it a whole lot. She is due in late May, and I'm still hit nearly every day with "Really? REALLY?" It's nuts. I bought a sleeper the other day though, so I guess I'm getting better :)