The Undead Cabbage Patch

The doll. It's still a thing.

Mila says its name is "Baby" and don't you dare try to convince that something different might be better because she will tear your soul out of your body, stomp on it, and then set it on fire.

She's POSITIVE its name is "Baby."

Mila is also positive that its the best baby ever and should be taken absolutely everywhere. There are some grocery store shoppers who super disagreed, but the only way to stop the madness is to make Mila mad. So.

NOT IT.

You do it. I'm not.

Mila takes Baby to the store. Mila takes Baby to bed. Mila takes Baby EVERYWHERE. It's fine, though. It's not like any of us are bothered by the eyes that double as hell mouths or the fact that the thing talks constantly.

Did I not mention that it makes noise? Oh, it makes noise. It endlessly asks for a baba, demands that you change its diaper, and burps. It's nearly as persistent as its Tiny Human mom. Weirdly, though, the noises don't bother me.

They eyes, on the other hand. They bother me. Still. Always.

So Mila has been taking her doll with her everywhere. It's sort of sweet, just as long as I can't see its eyes glaring at me. The other night, Mila forgot to grab Baby before going to bed, so I was ordered to go back downstairs and get her. Which, fine. I ran back down the stairs to get Baby.

On my way up, I stumbled on the stairs. It was just a little stumble, but it was that sort of awkward stumble where you have to pick whether you're going to fall down a flight of stairs or drop what you're holding so you can catch yourself.

I chose correctly.

Baby landed on her head.

Baby landed on her head and promptly let out the saddest, creepiest sound I have ever heard. It was the sound you'd expect a puppy to make if it walked too close to a hell mouth and found itself living the last millisecond of its pitiful life.

It was the sound of death. The sound of doll death.

The Tiny Human was by then very desperate for the return of Baby, so I played it off. "Baby is sleeping!" I said as I handed it over. There was a bit of fussing, but in the end Mila went along with the whole "Baby is sleeping" game.

The second Mila was sleeping, I knew I needed to get to work. I had to resurrect that doll before Mila found out I had killed her.

I tried new batteries. I tried flipping the batteries and then flipping them again. I fussed with the power box. NOTHING WORKED.

Baby was dead.

I didn't want Mila to wake up to a dead Baby, so I left it on the kitchen counter. I figured I would battle my way through the morning and then promptly run to the store to exchange the brand new doll for a brand newer doll.

Hours later, as Mila readied to join the day, I braced for battle. I knew it would be a matter of minutes before Mila asked where Baby was and I needed to be prepared to explain that Baby was tired. So tired. The doll was all of the sleepy and would be sleeping until it was so late in the day. Zzzzzz.

And then Mila asked where Baby was. I followed my plan perfectly, handing over the doll while talking about how tired it was.

The second Mila was holding it, the damn thing woke up and started talking. Its bright flashlight eyes cut through the morning sun and grabbed my heart, fiercely squeezing it as the damn doll proved that it is out to get me.

It's possessed. That's the only possible explanation.

Comments

[Gina]

Karma. Creepy doll karma.

[K Sundaram]

Been a blog reader for some time, and I love your hilarious posts! I had to comment on this one though: maybe those cheap sunglasses thing was meant to be left on? Would have given the hellmouths a little colour.

[Bluzdude]

At least she didn't name it Chucky.