The Very Last Kid
I promise to quit acting like my kid was the first in the history of the world to lose a tooth right . . . about . . . NOW.
You guys, it sucks harder than a Dyson when your kid is the VERY LAST KID in her kindergarten class to lose a tooth. I know she was the VERY LAST KID because every day for the past several weeks I've been told, "Mom, I'm the VERY LAST KID to lose a tooth. Waaaah!" The "Waaaah" may not have actually been included in her statement, but it was implied. Loudly. And with a sigh.
So. Here's the thing. In my head, the Tooth Fairy is kind of a cheap bastard. I haven't figured out what she wants all of those teeth for in the first place, but since so many kids are perfectly willing to let her have them, the price is pretty low. Supply and demand, you know? I was thinking $1 for the first tooth and then I was planning to start stealing quarters from the kid's piggy bank for any subsequent teeth.
The kid is spoiled, for the record. She is spoiled MIGHTILY...by ME. The Tooth Fairy doesn't need to take credit for spoiling given all that the kid manages to score.
But it turns out that there are plenty of parents who are perfectly willing to let the Tooth Fairy seem like Donald Trump after a drunken night hanging out with Mother Theresa. They are throwing cash at kids like WOAH. Alexis cheerfully reported that one kid got $10 for his tooth. I heard about how another got $5 plus a toy.
And then there is my personal favorite. One of Alexis' friends got a diary.
That may not sound like much, but THAT was the Tooth Fairy offering that Alexis clung to the most. Never mind the fact that the kid has something like ten diaries, she was absolutely convinced that the Tooth Fairy was going to deliver yet another one.
The Tooth Fairy didn't realize just how serious the kid was about the diary thing. WHOOPS.
Remember how Alexis sleeps in a loft? That is five feet up in the air? Yeah. It turns out that the ladder for that loft squeaks when grown-ups try to climb it, so there was no way for the Tooth Fairy to gracefully deliver anything. Instead, she balanced precariously on a tiny little footstool as she groped in the dark for a pillow to shove some cash under, risking life and limb because there is no telling what the kid has stashed up there. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if she is training a herd of rabid hamsters to attack anyone who approaches the loft. They could survive on stuffed animal innards, Kleenex and that mysterious goo that all kids seem to have on their hands.
Despite all that was required for the Tooth Fairy to make the delivery, Alexis woke up and was nothing short of shattered. There was no diary! Just $5! Waaaaaah! WAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!
I'm not exaggerating at all when I say Alexis sobbed for a solid ten minutes because the Tooth Fairy had the nerve to skip town without leaving a diary behind. It just so happened that we were headed to Cleveland to go to the I-X Center Indoor Amusement Park that day or she would probably STILL be sitting in the corner sobbing quietly to herself. Fortunately, she was distracted by shiny things like roller coasters and pink inflatable dolphins.
Could we please pass a law that says the Tooth Fairy is only allowed to deliver cash? Preferably something that can be covered with a coin or two?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Reader Comments (36)
Trade me: The Howler turned 10 on Sunday...and started her period. TRADE ME! TRADE ME!
THIS is a tooth post I can stomach.
A diary?! Wowza!
We do $5 for the first tooth too. And subsequent teeth are followed up much.much.cheaper. Although, fairies have a house AT your house...so I might have expected a diary too.
p.s. I didn't lose my own 1st tooth until first grade. So, I was last. It sucks.
@mumple--Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! ACCCKKKKK!
First, please let her know that Deuce hasn't lost any teeth and kindergarten ends for him in May.
Second, I truly feel that if we, as mothers, could come together on some of this crap like working-mom vs stay-at-home mom and the tooth fairy amounts, the world would be a much SAFER place...
Third, I don't really have a third, but it seems like there should always be one.
@Stephanie--The Tooth Fairy and the fairies in our garden apparently have nothing to do with each other. At least that's what I hear.
And it was AMO, not Amp.
Phones not autocorrecting your own name. THAT should be number three...
@Amo-Third could be that you are a genius because YOU ARE RIGHT. Life would be simpler if we could just agree on the easy crap like Tooth Fairy amounts.
WOW you pittsburghians are losing teeth like crazy, over here on the east side of the state only one child has lost a tooth in my sons class, and he just turned 7. I personally agree with the cash situation, its much easier. If you are wondering what the tooth fairy does with those teeth I was told that they are logs for her fire in fairy land. Yes this is what my parents told me as a kid.
@Elena--And now I'm going to have nightmares about bonfires built with teeth. HOORAY!
Love this post. Maybe parents of Kindergarteners should have a meeting about this so we're all on the same page.
Oliver was still 4 (about 2-3 months before his 5th birthday) when he lost his first tooth, and then a second tooth a couple weeks later. Money held no meaning for him at the time, and he had no friends his age that were losing teeth and giving him Tooth Fairy Gifting Ideas, so we bought a little toy airplane the first time and he loved it. Subsequent lost teeth also got small toys that were $1-2. He just lost a fifth tooth last month and we finally caved in and gave him a $1 bill. He was as excited as if he'd won the lottery, lol... We're holding on to that feeling as long as we can!
The only time C ever got $5 for a tooth was when.he lost both top front teeth in the same day. That was special. But, honestly, it's $1 or nothing here. I just kind of ignored the "Alec gets $5 for his teeth" and it never came up again.
@Melissa--There are advantages to being first!
@Lisa--TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.
May I offer some things that the Tooth Fairy does in our house? I have a 14 yr old who is done losing teeth and a ten yr old so I have a little experience. The tooth goes into a small zip bag (for beads or coins etc) and that bag goes into an altoid box. (the bag keeps the tooth from making noise) An identical altoid box with an identical bag is set up with a folded up dollar or dollar coin for the tooth and various odds and ends that are curious - an interesting button, sparkly beads, one time a loose christmas light, a tiny plastic skeleton hand that fell off a tiny plastic skeleton, a wrapped mint, a seashell - anything small and interesting that will fit in the bag. Then that identical box is traded out for the one with the tooth (easy to find under a pillow!) . The Tooth Fairy is getting good enough that the replacement box is sometimes under the pillow before the kid lies down. In the morning, the odds and ends are amusing and confusing and the kids like the dollar too. Hope this helps.........
@LeeInIrwin--I oddly managed to stumble into a very similar setup. Since Alexis had stuck her tooth in a little container all by herself, I found the identical container and traded the empty one for the one that held the tooth. It really did make life easier, especially since I inadvertently convinced Alexis that the loft would be a terrible place to put a tooth if she wanted the tooth fairy to find it. I got it half right!
Love the idea of the various odds and ends!
Since the tooth fairy recently visited us for the first time, we put the teeth in one of those paper dixie cups on the nightstand (my kid is a crazy hitter in her sleep), and then dumped into a plastic pill type bottle and replaced with two dollar coins (one dollar coin per tooth).
Normally the tooth fairy would like to pay $2 bills but since she had to show up unexpectedly on a sunday she didn't have any handy...
@Mackenzie's Momma--What is it with teeth falling out on Sundays? There should be a law against that...
We do $5 for the first tooth and $1 for every one after. No other "gifts," just cash. :)
And Alexis did good losing her first tooth in K...my youngest was a 1st grader when he lost his first tooth. And about 3 days before school ended to boot LOL (I remember that one exactly cuz he lost his first tooth the same day my oldest turned 19!). He did the same kind of squaking about being the last one he knew to lose a tooth! And now? He knows a loose tooth means cash so he wiggles and wiggles it, trying to pry them out!
@Clair--I fear the same thing is going to happen here. The wiggling must stop! ACK.
Thanks @Michelle! The odds and ends make it fun (for the grown ups too - we hunt around the house for stuff ( "marigold seeds? how about a car fuse? found a tiny eraser that looks like a fish!") and the mere dollar doesn't seem so meager.....good luck in your future T.F adventures!
I was lucky if I even got a dollar from the tooth fairy, I'd have loved five!
@Becca--You and me both. I don't remember getting anything from the tooth fairy.
After going through this 3 times, I'll share what we do: the tooth sits in a shot glass of water, or a box and it sits not in their bedroom, but on the mantle above the fireplace. Only quarters replace tooth. It was like Christmas morning for them. The first tooth is always extraordinary and gets special attention. I usually gifted them with $5 plus a little something. R got a whistle because he was so bummed he couldn't whistle when he lost his tooth. K got a quartz crystal, because everything was magic and held super powers for him, and J got a teeny tiny figure of an angel because it made her feel safe to be protected right after our move to PGH. Ry took his first tooth and showed everyone in our neighborhood his tooth, and came home with $10! Stinker.
My daughter was one of the last in her class to lose a tooth. One day she asks, "Is the tooth fairy real?" Well, I was preoccupied and not thinking and I said "No". I realized immediately what I said but was too late to change my answer. I braced myself. She said, "I knew it. Who would want teeth?" She then held up a tooth and asked what should she do with it. No drama at all and I don't have to do the tooth fairy thing.
My daughter also swears she is the last one in her kindergarten class to lose a tooth. She's an August baby, so I explained that she's younger than a lot of kids in her class and it takes time. What I haven't mentioned is that my side of the family is historically late when losing teeth. My first...third grade. I remember being so excited and then so embarrassed because all my classmates were like "what's the big deal?
My oldest lost his first tooth in first, so I'm hoping hers will come soon. I think we left $5 for the first one and then $2 or $3 (or whatever change we could scrounge up at 11:00 pm) for all the ones after that.
I remember that we only got coins - quarters and then dollars (loonies! in Canada) I remember remarking to my mother
Grrr, silly phone cut me off! At any rate, when a boy in my class lost his first tooth and got $20 for it - yes, $20 - and I mentioned this to my mother, she was very quick to respond that he was our dentist's son (true) so he must have exceptionally good teeth. I will keep that one in mind for later ( McBaby only has six so far).
i still have most of the silver coins i received for my teeth (susan b. anthony dollars, kennedy half dollars, bicentennial half dollars, even an eisenhower dollar). now as an adult i love that my parents didn't give me regular ole cash that i would have spent on stupid stuff, i appreciate the "funny money" (although at the time i didn't find it funny, i thought it was rare and precious).
other parents will always outdo. fuck them. fortunately you are teaching alexis valuable lessons with your smart parenting.
I agree on the getting together thing! I vividly remember my neighbor friend showing me her first report card in elementary school on the bus ride home - she'd gotten 1 A, and said that she got $20 for every A, so she was getting $20 (I KNOW). Anyway, I thought that was standard now that we were in "real" school, so I looked at my straight A's, and cash register noises went off in my head! Once home, my Dad looked at my report card, and said he was very proud of me, then handed it back. I told him that neighbor friend was getting $20 per A, and then he just laughed and walked away.
As a grown-up and parent, I now get it.
When I was a kid we were excited to get a dime for a tooth, now parents have to take out a second mortgage. I did leave a dog treat under my daughter's pillow once when she tried to pawn off one of our old mutt's teeth as her own.
Here's another TF idea and you can take it as far as you want. Make or buy a small fabric drawstring bag and hang it from the doorknob. When you do the tooth exchange, sprinkle a little fairy dust, aka glitter, on the floor near the doorknob.
I sense a teachable moment here: "Hey! Life sucks and then you die!"
Ok, we might have waited until they were out of high school before we used that one on a regular basis.
Anyway. I don't recall getting a penny for any of my baby teeth. (I am old, so maybe that doesn't count.) But really, $5 for a tooth is bupkis? This has all the earmarks of a parents' status race and it's too bad the kids get caught up in it. I guess I would be tempted to explain how losing teeth is a normal biological function that happens to, uh, EVERYONE and although the TF might find YOUR teeth particularly interesting or useful, there is a limit.
Or you could just laugh scornfully and say "Hey kid, when I was your age the Tooth Fairly left me a nickel per tooth! And I was glad to get it! Uphill both ways! In the snow 365 days a year!"
I lost my first tooth in APRIL of first grade. And my teacher had a bulletin board where everyone got a paper tooth with their name on it every time someone lost a tooth. My two teeth were shoved in a tiny corner.
::sob:: It obviously scarred me for life.
With the recession, shouldn't tooth fairies be giving quarters again, like we got? I'm afraid of what inflation will cause by the time my kids are losing teeth.
I gotta tell ya... I'm knee deep into a teething 6mo old and a 2 yr old who just cut molars.... I think this whole Tooth Fairy thing is crap! We parents spend sleepless nights, and occasionally blood, sweat and tears to get teeth IN and then we pay them when they loose 'em. It's CRAP!
Anywho.. Enough of my rant! Sorry! I totally agree, cash only, unless that dollar store gifting works ;)
wow, $5??? your tooth fairy is pricy.
Our tooth fairy gives $1 (Sasha was the FIRST kid in his preschool to lose a tooth). But because the tooth fairy is special she gives GOLDEN dollars. One trip to the bank and several confused tellers and a confused manager later, I have a stash of golden dollars that will pay for every baby tooth in both boys heads.
The GOLDEN dollar has been a big win because, as a little boy, this looks the most like pirate booty and has actual worth to a 4 year old.