Two Months of Thought. Still No Answers.
I've said a million times that if this whole parenting gig could be done from within the safety of a bubble, it would be SO much easier. While it's not always easy to navigate the parenting path when it's just us and Alexis, it becomes infinitely more complicated when other kids become involved.
And then there are other parents.
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Alexis sees the world in black and white. There is no bending of rules or gray area for her. If it's right, it's right. If it's wrong, it's wrong.
And, man, is it fantastic.
Her way of looking at the world makes it very easy to be her parent most of the time. She isn't going to cut in line because it's against the rules. She gasps when she hears someone use a word we consider a "grown-up word." She's by no means perfect (OMG THE TALKING BACK, is just one of many examples I could give), but she's such a Rules Girl that I don't really worry about her behaving when she's with other people. We're talking about a kid who told her teacher she couldn't take a piece of candy as an award for good behavior at school because it was before lunch. She isn't allowed to have candy before lunch. It never occurred to her that maybe it was OK if a teacher was offering. It never occurred to her that I wouldn't have known if she did eat it. She felt so guilty for thinking about taking the candy that she came to me this evening and said, "Momma, I have to tell you something" and then spilled her guts.
Our day will come, I'm sure, but for now? Meh. I know she won't commit any serious crimes when she's out of my sight. Her conscious won't let her.
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As the doorbell rang, Alexis ran to see who was there. She was hoping it was a friend or two, but it turned out to be a friend's parents. As she called out who it was, it never once occurred to me that I should dread going to the door.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
As I reached the door and looked out at the father and mother, I tried to predict what friendly terms had brought them to our door. An invite of some sort, perhaps?
But ... no. They were there to discuss something Alexis had done.
The discussion was a long one and stretched over a couple of incidents, but the intention was clear. I was to stand there and listen as I was told that my kid is a bad influence. It was her fault. She started it.
"It" was a giggle-fest between Alexis and another girl her age. The details of the tale started at the midway point, but basically they were caught sitting on some swings giggling and giggling and giggling about how funny a word is.
Alexis HAD to be the source of that word. "We don't use that word in our house," I was told.
Neither do we, I thought. And she doesn't have any older siblings. Oh, and she rode a school bus all by herself last year. A million thoughts ran through my mind for how it was very interesting that Alexis HAD to be the source, even though her life is even more sheltered than that of her friend.
The Blame Game continued on and on as I blinked and blinked, trying to figure out how two people could seriously stand on my front porch and assign blame without regard for the fact that all of our kids live in a big world with lots of other people in it.
It took me a minute or ten to realize that in my mind, I wasn't denying that Alexis knew the word. We really don't use it in our house, but I have no doubt that she's heard it during recess or while watching TV or while in the grocery store or something.
Nor did I care that she knew the word. And I cared even less that she thought it was funny.
If you can't sit on a swing and giggle your butt off about how funny the word "wiener" is when you are six years old, when can you giggle your butt off about how funny it is? I'm sorry, it's a funny word.
Wiener.
See? It's a funny word.
So I stood at my door in total silence as I was told how terrible my kid is for teaching someone else the word "wiener." I stood there silently as I considered the thousands of potential sources for the word "wiener," none of which involved Alexis. I stood there in silence as "I DON'T CARE IF SHE LAUGHS AT IT!" rattled loudly around my brain. I stood there silently as other parents dressed me down for being a bad parent.
I'm pretty sure I handled it about as badly as it could be handled. I'm still handling the situation badly, months later.
So tell me, Internet, what do you do when you don't see eye-to-eye with your kid's friends' parents? Because, seriously, I suck so hard at this part of the parenting game.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Reader Comments (44)
OMG! Those parents need a lesson in parenting. You were perfectly fine! They will learn words much worse than that. Geez. My 8 yr old son cracks up at the word meatballs, because he just recently learned the slang 'balls' mean a little dangly part of his body. (ugh) But do I care? No. Do I tell him to never say that to a girl because it's a boy private part? yes. I guess I am lucky and have surrounded myself with kids and parents who pretty much parent the same way as me. And maybe that is also the difference between being a 'girl' parent and a 'boy' parent. Good luck!! :)
They are lucky you are you and not me, because I don't think I would have been able to hold my tongue. Or the door. Which would have flown in their face SO HARD.
I'm not a parent yet and I want to be soon. But those are the situations I dread way more than the staying up all night, more than cleaning up diaper explosions or projectile vomiting, more than "Why? Why? Why? Why? " coming out of the mouth of my future 5 year old. It's all those parents who think they know everything about all of the other parents, and even worse, they know BETTER than all of the other parents.
I'm all for legitimately bad parenting being called out. Parents who are downright mean to their kids, parents who choose NOT to parent, parents who deny their child has done something wrong when they've honestly done something terrible cough cough 14 year old car thief cough but this is just so...petty and unfounded. Yuck.
"OK. Is there anything else? Thanks for sharing your concern." Close door. Go search on the Internet to see if you can rent the OscarMayer-mobile.
I am SO bad about coming up with this stuff on the spot.. I would have stood there dumbfounded & probably not said much at all. Then I would find a way to send them a nasty email lol
What the hell is wrong with people???? WIENER?? SERIOUSLY??????? Wow, just wow.
I think you handled famously. It is a funny word. "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!" I probably would have slammed the door in their faces.
Wiener? Seriously? They were upset about wiener? They need some perspective. It wasn't an f bomb or the c word. I think I might have laughed in their faces. Also, husband & I just giggled about wiener after reading this. We are 40.
THEY handled it badly. And you at least were quiet. I would have started giggling as soon as I saw how seriously they were taking the word weiner. I would likely have laughed so hard I would have had to excuse myself. I have no patience for folks like that.
I would of told them to suck it!
Seriously, wiener. I might have to invite them over for a hotdog cookout. Bahahaha. I'm guessing this is their oldest child and they are the ones who are sucking at this. Poor kid is going to hear worse than talk about wieners and they will make it so she won't go to them with any questions for fear of them handling it like they did here. Yikes.
@crystal--Nope. It was their middle kid who was involved.
I would have had to sing the Oscar Meyer jingle or talk about Wiener dogs or just yell Wiener, Wiener, Wiener!!! Seriously this is a real topic of concer?
Is there any evidence that the girls knew that wiener is slang for penis?
Regardless it is a funny word and those parents appear to have zero sense of humor. It must be a very sad house.
Seriously, wiener. I might have to invite them over for a hotdog cookout. Bahahaha. I'm guessing this is their oldest child and they are the ones who are sucking at this. Poor kid is going to hear worse than talk about wieners and they will make it so she won't go to them with any questions for fear of them handling it like they did here. Yikes.
How did that post again? Crazy internet.
Anyway, man middle child. These parents REALLY should know better. I can't imagine parenting like that. What's the point? Did they want to warn you of the dangers of silly talk. Really, the sheltering they are doing to their children isn't going to do anything productive. I'm a super over protective mom, but wiener talk never hurt anyone.
I'm also the queen of dwelling on this kind of stuff, but seriously its their issue, not yours.
Next time somebody blames your daughter you can tell them they are poorly educated. Only because it got a weird double meaning in American Engisch it is not a bad word, because:
Wiener in German does not mean nothing else than "from Vienna" and a "Wiener" in German for this the word for "sausage Vienna style". And we do not use for any body parts over here. It is a 100% clean word.
It is not Alexis's fault that THEY have diry thoughts when they hear it.
And yes. ... it is a funny word.
Honestly: I think it does not make sense to fight and argue with people like this. They won't their view on the world becaus of your arguments anyway. You can only throw youself between these people and your daughter and keep the senseless blame away from her.
I have so many different things to write, most of which I will not because writing about parenting issues got me in trouble on my own blog. I am a turn-my-cheek-and-take-it kind of parent, where as my husband is the complete opposite and wishes I would defend our kid more, particularly since, at least for now, my kid is about the most honest 9-year-old out there.
I probably would have said that I cannot imagine my kid saying that, but I would talk to her about it, and then I would have apologized profusely (even though what she did is not that big of a deal) since it obviously bothered these people. I like to think that would be better than my husband, who would have probably told them where to go.
I struggle with crap like this more than I thought I would. It does not help that I am naive and idealist and think that most things can be worked out because people are people, so why can't we all just get along.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Is what i would have said, then found out the real scoop from my own child. .
Seriously she must have her husbands wiener in some sort of vise grip, cause i would be laughed at if i tried to get my husband to cone along for that kind of conversation. Seriously. People there are much bigger issues that we will have to deal with. Saying wiener shouldn't even be on our radars.
I'm with Andy - perfect! LOL
Really, I don't live my life for anyone but me and my son. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I would have told them to mind their own daughter and leave me alone.
My kid was the ONLY one in kindergarten at the lunch table that didn't know what a.s.s. was. So when someone was spelling it he said "Ass? What does this mean, ass?" Holy freaked out lunch lady. Detention for the kindergartener.
Then in second grade someone pulled the same stunt with the F word, d!ck (because he wore a hockey shirt sponsored by Dicks the store) and some other word I can't remember. This time the lesson stuck. When someone is spelling or using words you don't know... be quiet, come home and ask mom.
I never once thought to criticize the other kids involved or their parents. I just sat back and chuckled at the overreaction of the adults that now made it such a game. Stupido's. You'd think people that work with kids all day every day would know that the more reaction you give the more something becomes a game.
Life is too short. Is it appalling when your baby uses a horrible word? Yep. Is it the end of the world or the last time in his/her life that it will happen? Nope. Move on.
So I just had to have the "this is serious
My Gram (to this day!!) always refers to hotdogs as "weiners." As a kid, my siblings and I used to laugh and laugh when she'd offer us them for lunch. I hope she doesn't somehow end up in a lunch conversation with your neighbors! ;)
And I second Jennifer's question: Is there any evidence that the girls knew what weiner is slang for?
Am I a bad parent because this story reminded me of Beavis and Butthead? Heh, heh. Wiener. Heh, heh. Except insert girly giggles for the "Heh, heh"s. Seriously, I probably would have just stood there dumbfounded, and laughed about it after. They have something so far up their butts they can't see how funny the word and the situation are. Hopefully you're not actual friends with them?
I do not have children and this post just reassures me that I'm perfectly fine with that. ARGH! Parents! Not you, THEM! Really. I have no words. Other than... WIENER WIENER NEENER NEENER!
Andy has my vote! But I'll be honest; I'm here for advice as much as the next person. These are the things that baffle me as well. I have learned that people are all sorts of stupid when it comes to protecting their kids from imaginary harm, and sometimes I'm going to get caught in their net of stupidity because I live in the real world and their kids have contact with mine.
I'm waiting for the day their kids hear the word "douche."
I actually don't have a problem with the other parents not allowing the word "wiener" in their house. I think we all have rules that others don't feel are necessary. For example, we don't allow Alexis to wear a bikini. It's a rule that works for us, but I don't judge other parents who don't have the same rule because I think we're all just trying to do the best we can.
For me, the real problem is how to deal when you have different rules and there is conflict because of it. That's the part I can't figure out AT ALL.
@Jennifer and @Emily -- Yeah, they knew what they were giggling about.
I find myself wondering if they were inquisitioning their daughter and she just pulled Alexis' name out as the person who gave her the word, like Ralphie did in The Christmas Story. They really thought a middle child couldn't possibly get that word from the oldest child or anywhere else? It's one thing to think someone's kid taught your kid something, and a whole other thing to go to their door and dress them down, without the evidence to back them up. Wow.
Then my only advice (for better or worse) is to simply acknowledge what they're saying and move on.
"Your daughter may have heard if from Alexis. It's not a word we use here, but that's not to say she didn't pick it up elsewhere. I'm sorry you feel she is a bad influence. We weren't aware that you were offended by that word. I'll let her know not to bring it up around your girls again."
And then forget all about it, because otherwise it'll drive you nuts.
I agree with Andy and Crystal D above. I would have thanked the Weiner Whiners for sharing their concern, asked them if there was anything else, then later invited them over for weiner cookout.
This is a joke, right? Who drags their husband to a neighbor's house and makes such a big deal over the word wiener? I mean, I wouldn't be upset about this, but I think at the very most, it would deserve a casual mention next time you see a neighbor. A quick "hey, I overheard the girls saying this word. I let them know that it's not a word that we say at our house. Just wanted to let you know."
My honest inclination is that there is more to this story on their part. It's like they were looking for a "reason" to come to your house because no one in their right mind would make such a huge deal about this. Since Alexis is the type (like Jack) to tell you when she gets in trouble for something, I would guess that THEY didn't address this "issue" when it happened. So I guess that would be my reaction. "Well, what did you say to them? and if It was such a big deal, why not just come over here to talk when it happened?"
This is just... hilarious, really. I told Dan the story and his first question was, What response were those parents expecting from you, exactly? To tear into you for something SO TRIVIAL, HONESTLY, and in front of Alexis? Come on, people. If this is really a huge issue for them, okay fine (we as parents all have our Things, I suppose) But they REALLY should have talked with you privately and less confrontation-ally. It's not like Alexis beat their kid up or something, goodness.
Dan and I have talked about this type of thing, The Words We Shouldn't Let The Kids Use, and obviously we don't want our kids to be dropping f-bombs all over the place. But we also realize that if a few inappropriate words are the worst thing we have to worry about as parents? Then we're lucky. But of course every parent has their own views on these things, and that's fine. They just could have handled their outrage (??) a little better, I think. I don't know how I would have reacted... probably stand there, slackjawed and red-faced, then think of 1000 awesome responses 5 minutes after they left. I'm REALLY good at that! :)
The way those folks were talking it up, I thought you were going to say that someone dropped the f-bomb.
I'm surprised you didn't just yell "Wiener, wiener, wiener," stick your tongue out at them, and slam the door!
Poop.
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They're lucky it was you rather than me standing there. I know they would have learned all kinds of new terminology, as I enthusiastically suggested what body parts they should repeatedly insert into which cavity, with special emphasis on the force and velocity. You know, perhaps there would be a physics lesson in there too...
If only life provided do-overs...
I was expecting the two girls to have dropped an f-bomb... weiner? They were seriously overwrought because of that word? Wow! Can you say 'helicopter parent?" Of course kids were going to be giggling over it, it's a funny word. There is probably nothing you could have said to placate them. Thank them for their concern and let it go.
Those parents are a couple of wieners. And you're a much better person than me. Because I would have snapped, "We don't use that word in our house. We use 'cock.'"
Oh brother. Pa-lease. If the worst thing your kid does is giggle about the word "wiener" then you should be pretty freaking grateful. I mean come on! Having three boys that word has definitely made the rounds in my house (though I try to let them know it isn't something they should be joking and screaming and goofing about I also try to choose my battles and let kids be kids- and let them know what talk is appropriate and not).
These parents are doing a HUGE disservice to their kid. Not only for not letting her be a kid and have a little breathing room, but for over-reacting as well. Couldn't they simply have said "we don't talk that way" or "that isn't appropriate" or "the correct word is penis and we don't really talk about in public" or whatever!
You were much more composed than I would have been because I would have been laughing at them. I would have been saying, "Seriously? Wiener IS funny! Take a breath, parents! Sheesh!" Good luck to them with the teenage years.
I think you are better off without that little girl in Alexis' life simply because the parents are the way they are. ;)
Yeah, Tara R. has them pegged: helicopter parents. We use the anatomical names for all body parts at our house. Some people freak out about that, but like you said, every house has their own rules. They are in for a long adolescence if they plan on confronting other parents on trivial things like using weiner as a euphamism for penis.
You're right, its a funny word and has other meanings than the slang word. those parents need to get a LIFE! I mean there's a WEINER MOBILE that drives around the country! You have much more patience than me! I would have had to tell them to leave my porch.
Holy hell. Not only are they super uptight, but they also like to teach their kid to point fingers and play the blame game instead of dealing with issues head-on, and admitting that sometimes it's your kid who's being "bad" too. Ugh. I'd have told them that I don't see the problem with the word weiner, and if they didn't want it said at their house, totally fine, whatever, but don't try to tell my kid what's right and wrong to say. This seems so ridiculous to me. We're currently in a battle with our four year old to get him to stop saying "fu*k", and these people are worried about "weiner". Good Lord.
Next time, I would teach their kid a whole lot of words worse than wiener. But, then I don't put much stock in "bad" words vs. "good" words...
We have weiner roasts all the time. You like cooking with fire - time to grill up those faux weiners (and maybe some real ones) and invite the neighborhood!! Make sure you distribute the appropriate flyers to all necessary parties with the word in all caps. It'll be FUN!
I love that Alexis told you when she was offered candy and didn't take it. My Youngest Boy has a teacher this year who is famous for distributing jolly ranchers as rewards. Turns out, Yougnest Boy doesn't actually LIKE jolly ranchers. I found this out when I went to clean out the van and there was a puddle of melted candy in his cup holder. He would take it - to be polite - and then spit it out after school. {SIGH}.
Wowza! I'm so glad my daughters are now college students. They come home with a lot more interesting terms than "weiner". It doesn't get any easier, this parenting gig. In fact it was much easier when they were that age, and you could say "it's not a nice word" end of conversation. Now, it's "please don't say that word" and "yes, I know I'm old". All you can do is laugh, and know that this too shall pass~and to choose your battles wisely. This isn't worth noting, except as a memory someday to share with your daughter and her children. Thank you for sharing, it is a funny story.
Seriously? Weiner? THAT was the "bad" word? sighs I honestly have no idea how to deal with these kinds of things either. But out here? We don't generally have to worry about it (plus to living in middle of nowhere).
Also? I'm an adult and I giggle over "weiner-esque" words all the time. Last night I was watching the news and they were talking about how we just had a new wildfire sparked and when they said the name I disolved into giggles at it. It's the "Wenas Fire" (pronounced Wie-nis (as in rhymes with that body part)) I mean it was like head tilt THAT was the best they could do?"
I think it's completely developmentally appropriate for 6 year old girls to giggle about body parts, and the parents missed an opportunity to teach their daughter "appropriate" body words while jumping up and down on your front porch like babies (I know Alexis knows the proper words because I remember the wonderful book you posted years ago about teaching her these things). So I'd agree with the suggestion to say "thank you for letting me know, anything else? ok, bye bye." I know this will come up for our family MANY times because people and their opinions get under my skin. I'm a live and let live person. I think unless a parent is outright mean or inappropriate to your child, you just use it as an opportunity to demonstrate to Alexis that everyone is different, expectations may change in different environments, and wine heals all wounds. Wait, that last one is for you...
You're a role model mama- ignore those weiners.
I would have giggled right there, it is a funny word what can I say.
If they have those wiener rules you just have to respect like anything else but don't worry too much, I wonder what they would do when their daughter learns a really bad word.
Uhhh... I'm 30. A good friend of mine is 31. I was telling her about going to lunch at Franktuary and the word "wiener" obviously came up in that conversation and we giggled like little kids. Those parents need to pull the stick out of their butts. If they're that concerned about a word like that, imagine what they'll do when their kid says "Ooooooh fuuuuudge..."
i don't envy your role as a parent.
also, WIENER!