What Would Mark Brown Do?
The defining moments of life that alter your path and guide you in a new direction are often predictable. You know that life will never be the same when you have a baby, for example. However, it's the life-changing events that you don't foresee causing a major impact that can REALLY turn your life upside-down. An unexpected death, for example, can be like a boulder suddenly crashing down in the middle of your path through life. You have to figure out how to navigate it and work around that boulder.
I have a new boulder in my life. It's a small one, but it is definitely having a BIG impact.
Remember Mark Brown? If not, let me catch you up real fast. I was pulled over for speeding in Kentucky by a lovely gentleman who had his head firmly planted up his ass. Let's ignore the part where I'm 100% certain he actually clocked the red Chevy that passed me moments before he flipped on his lights. Instead, we'll skip straight to the part where he ran the wrong drivers license number. He thought I had a suspended license because he failed to realize that he was looking at Mark Brown's information. I lost an hour of my life to the delay that comes with a highway patrolman thinking your license is suspended. On that night, I was also gifted with a really very upset kid, a ticket I didn't deserve, and a life-time of jokes about a man named Mark Brown.
And, now, I've completely lost every last shred of sanity because of that lovely gentleman who had his head firmly planted up his ass.
While all the chaos and confusion was going on that dark night in Kentucky, I imagine Alexis was desperately trying to make sense of the situation from her place in the back seat of the car. She, of course, knows nothing of suspended licenses and CYS and computers spitting out answers to exactly the question that is asked. Before that day she had no concept of traffic citations, and she most certainly didn't know about speed limits.
She knows ALL about them now.
For the past several weeks, she has read EVERY. SINGLE. speed limit sign to me, often using an accusatory tone that would be better suited for telling me that I have dog poop on my shoe. "The speed limit is 45, momma," she will say, her voice dripping with accusations.
I don't even know how to reply when she does it, other than to silently thank all of the gods, deities, and powers that be that she doesn't know how to read a speedometer. Yet. Do you want to guess what the number one feature I'll be watching for when I finally buy a new car this fall will be? Digital speedometers. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I will pick a car that has a digital display because that would be like handing the kid a pile of blank speeding tickets and a pen.
"Momma, the speed limit is 35."
"The speed limit is 25!"
"The speed limit is 55, momma. How fast are you going?"
See? There is NO FREAKIN WAY I'll be letting her anywhere near a speedometer. It's much easier to just repeat whatever number she read off of the sign.
The real kicker to this whole "Momma, the speed limit is 45" thing is that Alexis doesn't seem to believe me that the penalty for speeding isn't really all that great. I mean, it's not exactly safe to exceed the posted speed limit, but as long as you manage to avoid an accident, the worst that can happen is that you get a speeding ticket. While speeding tickets certainly aren't fun, they aren't the end of the world.
Alexis doesn't believe me on that, even though I've told her approximately 153295684 times.
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
My dear, sweet child is absolutely convinced that if you are caught speeding, you will instantly be sent to jail.
Frickin' frackin' Mark Brown is never going to stop haunting me, is he?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Reader Comments (9)
You need to find out a way to make her stop pestering you while still hanging on to the nothing that speeding is fundamentally wrong. I would think that's something you'll want her to believe when she is 16ish.
@Kim Z--Therein lies the problem. It is wrong, but that whole sliding scale of wrongness thing makes no sense to her. She's very black and white. (A fact that will be crazy great for me when she's older.)
Heaven help me if I ever have a child who does this. It might be the only thing in the world to tame my lead foot!
I would see if a police office or HWY patrol man would be willing to talk to her about the difference between speeding and having a suspended license. My niece was a backseat driver. I don't remember what I said to get her to stop badgering me. I'll have to think about it.
Makes me glad my 3.5yo is still rearfacing! He can't even see me sneak candy (though I do think he has supersonic ears & can usually hear the wrapper).
Maybe move her carseat behind yours (though then you'd have to deal with her kicking your seat) or see if dimming your console lights helps at all.
After thinking about my comment...that is too much work, if you don't know a policeman. I still can't remember what I said to the neice.
can't you tell her that mama is very capable of driving, has been doing it for x number of years very successfully, and that it is not her business nor her job to pester you about how you are doing it? i mean, she is a smart kid. but she trusts you. the cop made a mistake. will she bite on the fact that she is welcome to call out the speed limit signs, but she needs to trust that you are obeying the rules and that mama knows how to drive (and that it is dangerous / distracting to be constantly questioned about how you are operating the vehicle)?
if not...beat her.
heh. good thing i don't have kids, eh?
She can marry my son who knows how to read the spedometer and still reminds me of the speed limit even though he is old enough to know not to. He to lives in a black and white world and I do take advantage of that fact. I definitely feel your pain on this one.
I was lucky that my son wasn't with me in car when I got a speeding ticket, that woould have been the end of my sanity while driving.