You've Sent a Clear Message to Women Like Me
Dear Alexis and Mila,
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I could have done differently that would change the pages that are being written in your history books now, but I'm sorry. You will be responsible for cleaning up the mess that is to come, and for that I'm sorry.
Love,
A Weaker Woman than I Was Yesterday
*************************************************************
Those history books are going to blame a lot of things. Racism, certainly. The KKK became loud and proud at the mere prospect of this chapter, but here's the thing - This election was lost because of white women. It was white women who said they'd rather have an admitted sexual predator in office than a woman. Those white women won't be marching in robes or anything. There is certainly racism rampant among them (I see your "Beyonce is so vile" memes and the 17 ways that your reposting it is racist, but carry on with your ignorant self.), but that's not what happened.
Some will say they overlooked the admitted sexual predator thing (and the very long list of other obvious sins) because of the issues. Saying that is asking me to believe you're stupid, though. For example, you can say it was because you're pro-life, but I know better. There's no way you cast a vote about something that's so important to you without checking to see where Trump really stands on abortion. He was a registered Democrat for 50-some years of his life and it's not hard to find video of him blatantly saying he's pro-choice. Sure, he also said he's pro-life, but which is it? How can you be sure?
Or maybe it was because you want to end gay marriage? That can't be it either. Surely you've taken the time to find out that it's the state laws that define marriage. The Supreme Court has upheld and struck down the decisions made by the states, but it's still the states. The President does not have the power to declare marriages invalid.
So, the issues can't be why an admitted sexual predator was elected by white women. I don't believe you're so dumb as to think that he can or will do anything to change the laws you say you care about so much.
No, I see you and I know what's really going on. I see you because I've seen others like you my entire professional career and in my personal life over and over.
I have a few things in common with Hillary Clinton. I can walk into a room and exude confidence and competence. I don't back down. While I'm nowhere near Clinton's level, I'm a "strong woman." Strong women can all tell you the same thing - there are always other women who hate us for no good reason. Those strong women can tell you another thing - we will happily deal with dozens of sexist men than one sexist woman.
Sexist men back down when you fight them with intelligence and grace. Sexist women double-down when you fight them with intelligence and grace. There is no single being that can tear a strong woman to pieces nearly as well as a sexist woman can.
We don't call it "sexist," though. We just think of it as "gossip" or "catfighting" or whatever.
But, it's sexist. When a woman walks around an office and says that so-and-so must have been promoted because she slept with someone, it's sexist. When a woman walks around an office and comments about a co-worker's attire, it's sexist. Spreading tales of a woman's promotion being a result of needing to meet some sort of quota is sexist. Women will absolutely campaign to destroy one another. They don't do it to men - just other women. They do it to women who they think have strayed too far from what a woman should be.
I've hit two significant curves in my career that were both the result of sexist women who felt I was out of my "appropriate woman" lane. I refuse to fight fire with fire, so I was an easy target. With age comes wisdom, so I've learned to identify those women in the workplace and I work 7x harder to get them to work alongside me instead of against me before the whole thing can spiral out of control.
Sometimes it works.
Those women are harder to win over in our personal lives, though. I know the relative who hasn't spoken to me in a year thinks she's teaching me a lesson in morals when she shuts me out. I know it's all because she thinks I woman wrong. Whatever. Shut me out. I'll keep killing you with kindness and I'll do it with a chuckle because you're doing me a favor. I don't have to wade through your sexist, racist, hate-filled words now.
Whatever.
So good job, white women. You bought into the lies and spread the stories about how corrupt Hillary Clinton is. You didn't bother to check the facts because you felt threatened by her strength. You talked about how much you didn't like her, but didn't bother to ask yourself why. If you had, you probably would have figured out that your feelings were built on a leaning tower of lies, sexism, and jealousy.
Oh, and good job, white women. I hear you. You want me to back away from the glass ceiling, roll my seat away from the table, and stop pushing for more. You would rather deal with the devil you know -- an admitted sexual predator who also happens to hate those with special needs, anyone who isn't pasty white, has any sort of belief system that is different than his, and a litany of other sins -- than a strong woman. It makes you uncomfortable when woman do the woman thing wrong.
I get it.
The only problem is that I only know how to parent strong women. I don't know how to teach my girls to keep their opinions to themselves. I don't know how to teach my girls to let sexist men and women keep them silent. I don't know how to teach my girls to sit quietly while a douchebag man rambles off with sexist crap ten feet from her desk like I did multiple times today.
So, look out. You may have defeated me when you cast that vote for Donald Trump - and you did defeat me by literally saying you'd rather deal with an admitted sexual predator than be led by a strong woman - but you haven't defeated Alexis and Mila. I'm going to sit down for a bit, but I'm using what I'm learning to make them stronger.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Reader Comments (13)
I never comment on blog posts but this one was excellent so I felt I had to comment. I just talked about this exact topic yesterday with someone. This person was talking about how white men voted Trump in to office. I told them that it was also white women who had a large part in getting him elected. Lots of women proudly wearing their Trump shirts while walking around with their daughters. Or standing in their yards watching their daughters play out by their Trump yard signs. I felt like stopping to tell them that supporting him, especially when they have daughters who look to their moms as role models, was basically telling their girls it's OK for a man to act the way Trump does towards women. Seeing what you wrote about how you are raising your girls to be strong women gives me hope for the future of this country.
Thank you for this.
Thank you.
Amen to that!
Thank you for voicing...and sharing this. <3
I'm almost done mourning. Then I'll get to work. Because this will not happen to my girls.
I know I'm going to get beat up over this, but I have to ask. Why is it ok to support Hillary who is accused of bullying and silencing victims of her husbands harassment? Is it because she herself didn't do it? I'm honestly asking as I didn't support either Trump or Clinton for multiple reasons on both sides. I have a daughter and I think she deserves a better role model than Clinton. Michelle Obama would be a great choice.
i've read this several times and all i can think of to comment is yesYesYES!! because you wrote it perfectly. no clue why people need to tear others down to feel better about themselves. such a horrible trait.
alexis and mila have a great mother. i'm so privileged to watch them grow under your guidance.
I said to my boss yesterday middle aged women are the most sexist group of people on the planet. I am not wrong. I don't understand it. I don't know that I want to understand it. But I do know that as a strong woman who has been in manager and leadership roles for over 20 years in one of the biggest 'boy's club' industries around, I'm a chef & restaurant manager, I've had more issues w women who have had a problem w me or disrespected me because it was boobs telling them what to do than I ever have had w the men I've worked for or with. It's ugly. But it's damn true.
You are such an unbelievable human being, and an incredible mother. Your girls are SO lucky to have you. You remind me a lot of my mom. She's outspoken (very), strong, will NOT back down in the face of wrong, and clearly did not how to raise "quiet" girls. She's also a minority. She's first-generation American. (her parents are Mexican). She didn't learn English until elementary school (and she speaks it beautifully). She has a masters degree, she works her BUM off, and she proves herself every. single day. I am so proud of the woman and example she is. I have a feeling your girls will feel the same way about you :)
Keep raising your daughters to be strong women.
Thank you.
Fortunately, I know exactly why I voted for who I did. I researched, I read, I listened, I watched....but that's the great thing about this country, we have a choice and a voice. I do believe there is large portion of America that is upset with the establishment, unreasonable insurance and Obamacare costs, Veterans and the way they are treated or actually, not treated.....
If half of the human race is raised to be stronger, it can only benefit us all in the long run. That's what we did, and I'm pleased to hear it coming from others. The next bit is to teach Alexis and Mila that they are doing it right, and anyone who tells them that they are wrong, are wrong.
I am disgusted by this election, and the best antidote would be a total repudiation from the upcoming generation.