::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::
Not to be outdone by the delusional pediatrician, Alexis found eight words that instantly caused a traffic jam of words in my head.
"How do babies get in a mommy's tummy?"
::blink::blink::blink::
The first time she asked, I think I managed to spit out something like, "Hey, look! Did you see that deer? I think it had the same hair as Justin Bieber! On its butt! It had glitter all over it, too! SHINY! SPARKLY! THING! OVER! THERE! LOOOOOK!"
Hey, now. You'd change the subject, too, especially if Britney Spears was blaring through the radio with a song about having a threesome.
The second time the topic came up, Alexis decided to be a little more vague with her question, "Where do babies come from?" she asked.
I was slightly more composed in my response that time, despite the fact that I was eating a veggie hot dog at that exact moment. "Ask me later," I said.
Look, it's not that I'm afraid of talking about sex with the kid. I would MUCH rather that she heard it all from me than from some misinformed creep at school. I just was hoping that I would have a little time to prepare for The Talk.
So, that's what I've been doing lately. Preparing for The Talk.
I realize that I need to avoid having the discussion while we're in the car, just in case the soundtrack to our conversation were to end up being something that would traumatize me for life. And, yes, I said traumatize ME for life. I'm not worried about Alexis. It's me that could use a little Xanax when it comes time to think about my kid and sex in the same sentence.
(I just cringed, LITERALLY, typing that sentence. Go figure.)
I also need to avoid having any food that could be confused with a phallic symbol in front of me while we're chatting about sex. I mean, really. I'm worse than a 14-year old boy.
Considering all of that, I decided that an age-appropriate book was the way to go. I'll just read it to her during our usual nightly reading session and it'll be no big deal. For her. I plan to weep openly after it's done.
I tromped around Amazon for a bit, reading reviews and write-ups about various books guaranteed to keep the conversation on target. I found a few that have potential (this one and this one, specifically), but then discovered something truly amazing.
Some people really have issues.
Like, REALLY.
Reading some of the reviews turned out to be so funny that it's almost worth knowing that I have to deal with The Talk with the kid. There are reviews that say things like, "This book is far too graphic. Kids don't need to know all of this stuff." There's also "The drawings are too graphic and will likely frighten anyone (child or adult)." There's, "If you want to turn your kid into a pervert and have him whoring around in preschool, then you'll get what you want." And my favorite, "This book read like a manual for pedophiles."
Two words for some of those reviewers: Projecting much?
I guess I'm not the only one who gets a little uncomfortable thinking about discussing sex with their kid. Thank goodness I'm not so scared of The Talk that I get all wound up over some cartoon drawings and the word "vagina."
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Reader Comments (23)
BB has lost some of his supposed innocence on this subject. I have a few friends who think/say/project that I talk/share too much with my kids on the matter. In my opinion, I have no other choice. So, I get all of what you just said to me. I've been searching for a book. In fact, I found a book that is TOTALLY HILARIOUS and I plan on blogging about it in the near future. And by TOTALLY HILARIOUS I do meant OMG, DON"T BUY THIS CRAP. I think it's from the 80's. Oh, the 80's. The early ones too.
Keep doing what you're doing. And then maybe we can let BB and Alexis spend time together when they're teenagers without FREAKING OUT. Or LB and BB. They've recently started fighting over girls. ...save me.
Jeebus. This would have been a good time for a captcha. The sentence that reads LB and BB should read LB and Alexis. JEEBUS.
I'm dreading that - only because I know it will be before I'm ready. And because I tend to ramble. I forget the golden rule in such conversations: answer the question and only the question and stop talking when she stops asking questions. Sabrina will likely ask me how does a baby get in the mommy's tummy and would be satisfied with "That daddy puts it there" but I'll give her some graphic answer punctuated by nervous laughter. Because I am a dork. I can totally talk to other people's kids about sex but my own not so much.
you know, I have 4 kids. and not ONE of them have ever asked the question! I mean my oldest was 6 when our second was born, and not a peep. #2 and 3 are only 13 months apart so no expectations there from the baby, but again my oldest had no questions. When #4 came along, the others were 11, 5 and 4 and not one peep of curiosity. And I asked if they had any questions...nope, not a one. They were not interested in HOW the baby got there, just that it was there and look, it kicked the remote off mommy's tummy LOL. Now, when we decided to have #4 we did chat with our oldest and she was 9 1/2 and had basic knowledge. School and friends. I figured the kids would come to me or hubby and ask and we would answer...I never imagined them NOT being the least bit curious! Not even witnessing #4's birth did #2 and 3 ask how the baby got in mommy's tummy LOL. I would have thought that would have at least sparked some questions!! so it's always been up to us parents to start the conversation.
my youngest is 7 and all he has ever asked is when am I having another baby because he does not like being the youngest LOL. guess it will be his time for the talk soon enough!! (his teacher just had a baby over Christmas but...nope...not one question...except the one about when am I gonna have another one LOL)
They actually have some good books here in Belgium for explaining all about gender/sex/procreation in an illustrated, cut and dry, kid friendly, matter of fact way. I'd recommend some of them to you but sadly, they're all in Dutch. I do think I'll buy a couple of them before we plan on moving back though, cause I've seen the American books on it and they're not always so accurate/unbiased/good in general.
But hey, our first is going to be a boy, so hopefully when he does ask, it'll be to my husband and I won't have to deal with it.
Oh lordy. We went the library book fair one year and my little sister (unable to read at the time) picked out a book called "So THAT'S how I was born" which my mother promptly hid so she could avoid buying it.
I have no advice on the sex talk. My mother did mine in the car but I was way older than alexis. She said the car is the best place because the parent looks at the road and the kid doesn't have to look the parent in the eye.
I'm cringing FOR you. I hated that. Still do, actually. Although at that age, I think they're looking more for something like "that's what happens when mommies and daddies love each other" than an in-depth, anatomically correct description. Or was that me wanting that? I get confused.
Oh god, I am already in a panic thinking about gross teenagers wanting to take my daughters out on dates and, over my dead body, trying to kiss or touch them. I already want to punch every teenage boy I see.
I so relate. I had to have the REAL talk a few weeks ago with my Diva. She's 11. She was not impressed or amused and decided that everything about it was disgusting since boys pee with that thing. LOL!
I still TOTALLY remember the talk my parents had with me. They read me a book in which for some reason it compared sex to jumping rope. I didn't speak to my mom for 1 week after b/c she did THAT to my DADDY. UMM have I mentioned I was, ... err am, a bit of a daddy's girl???? My parents still joke with me about it 25 yrs later b/c my sister and brother had zero reaction and I was a bit over the top dramatic! :)
Best of luck with Alexis. I know you will do great!
Since my first is not even out of the womb yet, I obviously don't have much from the parenting angle to contribute. But I do remember how my mom spoke about it with me, and I thought it was really worthwhile and made sense, and if I can not be a huge nerd about it I'd like to repeat it with my kids. :)
My mom's definition of her approach was "answer the question until the kid has no more questions." So when she was pregnant with my brother and I asked about it, she just had to explain that the baby was in her womb and that was it. But I was only two and I could see the evidence, so that made enough sense to me. Then when I asked how a baby got to be there, she said that a mommy and daddy had to make the baby. Which then satisfied me for another few years. Then I asked how it was made, and that was probably the closest conversation to "the talk." It wasn't incredibly scientific, but she got the point across. And while I thought it was weird, my parents had been cool enough about naming parts and everything that I wasn't creeped out or embarrassed. The harder thing for my mom to convey was that other parents might not appreciate my sharing this knowledge with their children. :)
I handled sex ed (which started in fifth grade in my crazy Canadian education) a lot better than most of the other kids did. I didn't know what fallopian tubes were, but I knew the basic mechanics of sex and that it was something that adults did and that it was something I knew I had no interest in doing even though it might be cool to hold a boy's hand now and then (the "you will be a whore if you know about it!" argument makes zero sense to me.)
I think I knew about sex a LOT before many of my peers, but I will admit I was one of the last people to actually have sex (and not just because I couldn't get anyone to want to) and that I've had fewer sex partners than many people my age. I'm happily married (in ALL aspects of marriage, wink wink). I really credit my mom for that. To just be real when she talked to me about it. It's crazy when I think about how much sex my friends are having but how many hangups they have about it. My mom didn't use the opportunity to moralize, just to say that this is how it is. And as I had later questions growing up about some of the trickier moral or philosophical issues, she was cool with saying, "I don't know" or "That's a really hard question." And I was cool with asking her rather than someone else because I knew she'd be honest with me.
But you're an awesome mom and from what I can tell about your parenting from this blog, you've done a really good job teaching Alexis about respecting and caring about other people. Talking about sex is definitely part of the respect lessons.
Oh PLEASE do a book review! PLEASE! :)
Even the best educated kids can get it all wrong-remind me someday to tell you the story of the peanuts & pachina and how long hair results in said peanuts falling off and a pachina growing in their place.
Okay, maybe educated isn't the right word....looking back. But when we were expecting The Chicken, Giggles needed to know exactly what was happening and why, vague stork answers were crazy (according to her)
they let just any old one post a review on amazon, eh?
I am so going to have to have this talk with Gracie soon. I know I bookmarked Mir's Talk With Chickie and Monkey somewhere....
First (and I'm sorry...I don't remember who said it, and at the moment am entirely too lazy to scroll back up and check), I just want to point out that not all teenage boys are gross. Mine are perfect specimens of awesomeness. :) Of course, that might be because it's drilled into them to NOT be channeling octopi when with a girl. ;)
I think The Talk is different with boys than with girls. My boys did not care about the baby part of the whole thing. No, they only wanted to know about the actual act. And they were older when they asked.
Which meant that we didn't get to experience much of the innocence of The Talk. We had to jump fairly quickly into the Brutal Fires of Hell Consequences portion of the discussion, that went something like this: If you're absolutely not going to wait (and let's be realistic here, the odds are you won't), then you need to remember one word. Condom. Every time. And here, let me show you some pictures of penises that thought they didn't have to wear one every time.
(Um, this is where I admit that I *may* have printed out several pictures found on the internet of penises that had experienced some unfortunate medical issues caused by excessive socializing. What? I'm not above using graphic imagery to burn a point into my children's heads....)
It's really not as bad as you think it will be. The important thing to remember is that it isn't one TALK, but a continous discussion. As they get older the discussion gets a bit more advanced. Just be matter of fact about it all and answer her question without going to much into it. Chances are she is asking to know much less than you are going to tell her. Good luck!
First (and I'm sorry...I don't remember who said it, and at the moment am entirely too lazy to scroll back up and check), I just want to point out that not all teenage boys are gross. Mine are perfect specimens of awesomeness. :) Of course, that might be because it's drilled into them to NOT be channeling octopi when with a girl. ;)
I think The Talk is different with boys than with girls. My boys did not care about the baby part of the whole thing. No, they only wanted to know about the actual act. And they were older when they asked.
Which meant that we didn't get to experience much of the innocence of The Talk. We had to jump fairly quickly into the Brutal Fires of Hell Consequences portion of the discussion, that went something like this: If you're absolutely not going to wait (and let's be realistic here, the odds are you won't), then you need to remember one word. Condom. Every time. And here, let me show you some pictures of penises that thought they didn't have to wear one every time.
(Um, this is where I admit that I *may* have printed out several pictures found on the internet of penises that had experienced some unfortunate medical issues caused by excessive socializing. What? I'm not above using graphic imagery to burn a point into my children's heads....)
Crud. Somehow it posted twice. Might have something to do with my lack of techinical finesse. Sorry 'bout that!
I'm a science teacher and I had parents react similarly to those amazon reviewers when I taught their children about the reproductive system in health class ... And I was sticking strictly to what parts are called, not how they "fit together."
I honestly don't remember having any single "talk" with my own parents growing up. I was always fascinated with birth, though, and I do remember asking my mom about how that end of things worked. In third grade or so, I would always take out books like "Where Did I Come From?" from the library (the librarian actually scolded me for doing so, once) and read up on the topic myself ... I totally agree that its better she hear from you than some creeps at school! Good luck and report back, please! I've got some time, but I'm not excited for having the talk with my now-seventeen-month-old son when he starts wondering ...
I checked "It's Not the Stork" out at our local library when my son kept repeatedly asking me about why I did not have a penis and where did my pee come from and could he see!? Um, no, no you may not. Funny thing, when I sat down to actually read it to him, he was totally uninterested. Guess I'll be checking that out again the next time he asks.
Oh. my. gaw. Saw this just now, and had to show you.
http://www.parenting.com/gallery/weird-baby-products?pnid=257303