It's Not Fair That There Isn't an Instruction Manual for this Stuff
I have bad skin. Terrible, no-good, awful skin. I always have. I've gone through phases where I care about it and try to do whatever I can to ward off the evil skin demons, but mostly it just is. The things that sort of work tend to have worse side effects than just leaving it alone, so whatever. Call me crazy, but I tend to think acne sounds a heck of a lot more fun than, say, skin cancer. So, makeup! Makeup is good! And I'm OK with that.
Since Alexis was born, I've become sort of paranoid about putting makeup on in the presence of the very impressionable short person. I just don't know how to explain to her that she is absolutely perfect, but I'm not. She'll have plenty of time for not being perfect later, like when puberty takes over her brain and makes her completely irrational in about eight years. Of course, there's the whole icky feeling about implying that anybody needs makeup to be "perfect," the whole "I want you to be confident in who you are, but screw that, I don't have to be," and the general suckiness that is society's expectations and blah, blah, blah. Grown-up women wear makeup, and I need to wear a little extra. Little kids are gorgeous just the way they are. It makes sense in my grown-up head, but I can't seem to explain it to her.
Today I screwed up. Without thinking about it, I slapped on a little powder and lip gloss while Alexis was in the car with me. She immediately started pleading for "lick-stick." That happens to be on the Almost Permitted List around here, so I passed her a tube of Chapstick and she was happy. For a minute. Then I heard, "My cheeks aren't pretty."
"You are beautiful just the way your are," I responded, perhaps cursing at myself under my breath.
Alexis didn't believe me. She started to cry, all the while begging to put some makeup on her cheeks. Then she wailed the words that were like daggers to my heart, "I want to be beautiful like you, momma."
Oye. Vey. I'm not cut out for this kind of stuff.
Eventually I turned the conversation around and managed to get Alexis to tell me that she has beautiful eyes, a cute nose, and a pretty face, but it wasn't easy.
And it's only going to get harder.
Oye.
Vey.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Reader Comments (24)
It DOES start young... way too young for my taste. I let both my daughters (ages 5 & 7) wear chapstick ... and last summer I bought them their own clear lip glosses at Target (some crap they sell that's geared towards kids). They've already lost them - go figure.
But recently, my 7 year old has started in with the, "I don't like myself" garbage. It's crazy!
Grrr. Argh. I've already seen it in the Howler's classmates: one girl has crooked teeth, and she REFUSES to smile. Or have her picture taken. For Valentine's Day, I took pics of each of the kids, then printed them out to send in the next school day. I had to PROMISE her that NO ONE else would see the picture before she'd allow me to take it. Another girl cannot NOT make a horrid face when you try to take her picture (when asked why, she says it's because she's "ugly"). She's like a badly drawn cartoon character then. And last night at during supper, the Howler begins telling us about the differences between how her body looks compared with another girl--neither girl is fat by any means, but they compare their weights and build. They're 8 years old! I want to beat the crap out of someone and scream!
<<tear>> I don't think I'm ready for this either. I've been on meds for my skin as well and am hoping that my kid is not affected. She loves lip gloss, which I'm fine with, and I'm just hoping the lack of confidence doesn't come any time soon. They are too young to worry about their looks!
Why do we do this to ourselves?
This is reason #572 why I'm glad I have boys. Their sense of self-worth doesn't seem to be as tied to their appearance as it is with girls.
That being said, maybe Daddy can get in on this (you know, since dad's are gods of everything to a little girl) and sneak in somewhere that he finds mommy most beautiful when she looks all clean and fresh .... just like Alexis.
But really? I haven't got a clue or a single nugget of wisdom to share here. I just know that I teach my boys to look beyond the mascara into the eyes.
Have you seen this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6JvK0W60I
I'm sorry.......it really isn't fair that it starts so early. Just the other day my sister over heard her 6 year old little girl and a friend talking about "being fat." My sister nearly died! It's just too early. And this is one reason I am glad I am the mom to two boys!
Since I have two boys I won't face this, but I think that as long as you don't let Alexis walk around wearing enough blue eyeshadow to put a Vegas whore to shame, you're doing OK. And, yes, I did see this on a girl about 8 years old at the playground a couple months ago.
With an extra little one running around, it's been impossible for me to put makeup on without Charlotte noticing. So, I do my best. I tel lher she's beautiful without makeup, that she doesn't need it, but then we "pretend" and put a little blush on her chips and "lips" on her mouth.
Everytime I tell her she's pretty I make sure that she repeats "and smart and important"
It's hard. Sometimes, there's no right way and we're all just winging this parenting thing, hoping our kids need less therapy than the other kids.
Oye. Vey. Indeed. My oldest daughter got a purse for Christmas that came with pretend lipstick. She put some on and my husband said, "You look beautiful!" And then he caught my eye and said, "But you look beautiful without it, too. Just like Mommy!" (yeah, I know, he was probably trying to get lucky). That seemed to do the trick for now, but I worry about this stuff, too. They ARE perfect. But they WILL want to wear make-up when they're older. {SIGH} Girls are hard. You're doing great with Alexis. Hopefully, we'll all learn from each other as they grow up. Thanks for writing about this.
i love that you are so aware of how everything you do impacts her world. you truly are a good momma bear.
and yeah, it breaks my heart when i see little boys wanting to shave like daddy and little girls wanting makeup like mommy. there are only so many years when they are young and yet it is instinctive to want to be grown up.
one thing i really appreciated about my mom was when i watched her putting on her makeup she called it war paint or hiding behind her battle paint. she would tell me about how the stresses of being an adult who worked led to her wearing makeup so she could feel more equipped mentally to leave her family and go out into the dog eat dog working world. i find it interesting that now i only wear makeup when i go to trade shows. although sometimes i wear mascara in the middle of the week, just because i can and just because it is fun to bat my dark eyelashes.
(wait...i gotta be honest...even as a kid in the 70's i knew my fresh face looked better than green eyeshadow. i distinctly remember hating the unnatural look on her. maybe you should start doing your makeup slightly clown-like so she can see how silly it is to wear all that paint. heehee)
sheesh, sorry for the novel in your comments...
for the kid, chapstick FOREVER! for you however, i sell Mary Kay. If you ever want to try some stuff lemme know and i'll send you a little goody bag :)
For those of you who have girls - can you just tell them "you're too young" and let it go at that? I know that's what my Mom said. "No, you're too young for that."
I haven't ever checked my make-up application in front of the girls. To be honest, it never even occurred to me. When they've asked me why I wear it, I tell them it's something grown-ups can choose to do to be FANCY. Just like wearing jewelry or heels. If they want to do it when they're grown-ups, they can - but they don't have to. I try to steer it into a conversation of different styles for different people - which I think is easier to see as "different" - instead of a conversation of the more power-based, hierarchical terms of beauty.
You're so aware of all you do for your girl--it's awesome.
Morgan has asked a few times when she's seen me putting make-up on if she can have some. I always tell her she doesn't need it; it's for super big girls; that she's not only beautiful already, she's smart. She seems to, for now, accept this and be fine with it. She has pretend make-up, but gets more kicks out of putting it on Daddy than herself :)
Oy! This is one of those posts that makes me so thankful that Alexis is older than Eva so that you can warn me about these things ahead of time! I've been so concerned with not passing along my body image issues that the whole make-up thing hadn't occurred to me yet. I'm right there with you on the skin issues though. Last weekend stressed me out so bad that my face looks like a war zone. I actually considered wearing makeup to the gym because my skin looks THAT bad right now. I think my plan at the moment is to go with a combination of "mommy needs it because she has bad skin/you don't need it because you're so lucky and your skin is perfect/we don't want to distract from how beautiful you are/ and you're just too young." Good luck!
I have 2 girls and a boy who are all interested when they see my put on makeup. Like you, I do not have great skin so I wear something almost any day that I'll see people outside the family, but I try to put it on when the kids are occupied. I think mostly mine are interested in it because they get a little bit of attention and the brush tickles. I keep a clean brush in my bag (I use loose mineral makeup) and sweep the brush over their faces. This has only happened a few times in years though. I tell my girls that there is dress up makeup, which they can wear at home during dress-up play, it's pale and shimmery, and there is fancy grown up make up that I wear because I like to look a little fancy even when my clothes aren't. Even though I usually wear just foundation, they are satisfied with this answer. When they have on their dress up clothes and/or makeup, we always make sure to just say they look "fancy" and keep beauty references to when they're looking like their regular selves.
So I talked to my mom. She told me that she handled it by going 50/50 on it with me. She told me that she had explained it to me in NO uncertain terms that it was something that grownups do and that I was too little, she'd put some on me once or twice when I was getting overwhelmingly annoying about it just because I was curious. It was never anything I was to leave the house with.
And I can speak from experience, my mother was always sort of a tyrant when it came to the difference between grown ups and kids. Kids had stuff they did without grown ups and grown ups had stuff they did without kids. Make up was one of those things.
Good luck!
This makes me cry. My daughter "helps" me get ready in the morning (which really means that she sits on the counter while I put on my makeup). She plays with my makeup bag and bangs around the eyeshadows and calls eyeliner "crayons." My mom never wore makeup so I have no framework in how to handle this.
I am so worried about this. She's two. I have the idea that when she's big enough to start asking for it (I'm talking 13 here, not the 6yr old conversation) that I'll take her to Clinique and have the conversation framed on skin care and hygiene rather than looking "perfect."
I don't have the best skin either, so I'm hoping she gets her dad's. And I'm hoping I can avoid looking like a hypocrite when I tell her she's perfect as I apply bronzer.
@Beth--Same thing. My mom never wore makeup, so I have no framework. I just remember thinking that she was a freak for not wearing it when I was about 15 or so.
@Beth and @Burghbaby - my Mom wears makeup every day of her life - she calls it "putting on her face" because she has very blond eyelashes and almost no eyebrows so without makeup she really does look a bit strange. She very clearly delineated for my sister and I that makeup was something for adults and we were not to wear it.
However.
When it *did* come time for us to be allowed makeup she never really taught us what to do with it. You know how I finally learned? (YEARS after starting to wear makeup) I kid you not, watching Carmindy on What Not To Wear. My makeup got better my lightyears at that point.
Also, BurghBaby, don't know if you've used mineral makeup but I have skin problems too and while it won't clear up the problems, it does cover it up with the sheerest of feeling. It's so much better than liquid foundation.
I'm not quite sure how all this relates to the discussion, but rest assured that even those of us that had make up wearing Moms still came out of our teen years completely bewildered about make up.
It's a fine line to walk. SOmetimes I'm glad I only have a boy (so far) because boys usually don't care how they look when they walk out the door.....hope it stays that way!
But you will do fine, I know you will. You answered her well later and you asked her to say her eyes, etc. are beautiful. You told her she was. You're a great mom and we all slip sometimes....your slip really wasn't bad at all!
I found that all my kids (boys included) were into makeup only because it's something they saw me do. (Oooh, PAINT! FOR MY FACE!) but if I didn't make a big deal of it and let them try things, they got over the fascination and moved. (Becky has come around to revisit it now that she's a teen, but thankfully the boys didn't.)
I find the makeup thing to be no different than heels or anything else that's a mommy-thing. Adults must wear some things, and kids don't have to. Sure, you can try it. Here, I'll help. Withholding will only give fuel to the fascination.
That's my 2 cent opinion on the subject. You can toss it into the change basket.
Both Cooper and Maren have expressed interest in my make-up in the past, but have been completely satisfied with my explanation that "Make-up is something that older girls and Mommies wear." I think I should probably consider myself very lucky.