Shattered
Nearly two weeks later, I still haven't written the post that I need to write. And here I am not doing it again because it's easier that way. It's easier to lock the memories in a box, shove it to the back of the highest shelf of an unused closet, and just do my best to move on.
It's ridiculous to hide from your own story, but that's what I'm doing. At least for now.
It's even more complicated than that, though. Everything I put in this space right now comes with an extra dose of complication and stress. That's what happens when you are actively sending out resumes and know a Google search of your full name can potentially land in this not-fit-for-the-corporate-world space. It's a bit of a journey to land here with that search, but it's possible. I've never felt the need to throw additional roadblocks into that path, but I've never had to worry about total strangers who are evaluating the quality of my character finding words not intended for their quest.
Like I said--It's complicated.
But I am going to write that post and that post and most especially THAT post. They need to be written. Even through my fog of self-preservation, I've noticed the trend. Since I hit publish on the only post I've ever regretted posting, I've received email after email and DM after DM and a few dozen emails on top of that. Each and every one of the messages filled with kindness have been littered with a heavy dose of "you're not alone."
My story is your story.
Except, when you tell your story, you sometimes say things like, "I didn't want to say this where others would see it."
I get that. Obviously. I totally and completely get that.
And yet, SCREW THAT. There is no reason to be ashamed of your story. There is no reason to talk about miscarriages in whispered voices and behind locked doors and only through the safety of a private email.
Seriously. SCREW. THAT. NOISE.
I need to get through this fog and I need to let a little time pass, but I will write those posts.
I promise.
(Thank you to everyone who has sent words of encouragement. I'm sorry that I haven't been replying, but I've been putting self-preservation ahead of good manners recently. I hope you'll understand.)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Reader Comments (30)
Take the time you need, but know we're all here for you. Still sending you good vibes. :)
I didn't share my story at the time because so many people gave me shit about the fact that we weren't trying. Maybe I will someday. I don't know. It's hard.
Sending love. And jobs. But more love than jobs.
I am behind on my Google Reader, so I did not see this until now. I have had a miscarriage before every single of one my boys was born. At 6 weeks, 8 weeks and 12 weeks. It never gets any easier. Its always hard. And its always gut wrenching. And its always hard to talk about. Let yourself hurt as long as you need to. And when you are done hurting so very much, you will begin to heal very slowly. Much love from here. XO
lots and lots of love from my family to yours.
I've had three miscarriages, all at slightly different times in my life, and I still struggle. You know this, but i'll say what so many other have again, you are not alone.
Please don't feel bad about not sharing something so intensely personal. When (and if) you want to will be the perfect time. Although you write a public blog, that gives no one a right to you.
You take all the time you need. We'll all be here...
it is your ife, your story, and most definately YOUR experience. don't apologize for what you feel. when the time is right, you will know when you want to tell it and reply to it. i too have suffered that loss. i think each one that has went thru such a loss has to heal in their own way. we may have experienced the same loss, but we each go thru it differently. you hang in there. you will know if and when the time comes that you want to share it. until then those who love and care about you will wait and keep you in our hearts and prayers.
No, you are not alone. And you have the right to never be public with your thoughts and feelings on this if that is what you so choose. Everyone handles it differently. I also had a m/c between #3 and #4. Yeah sure I already had 3 kids but it hurt nonetheless. Every November 1 (m/c date), I remember the baby I lost. Every May 15th (due date), I think about what could have been. Yes I went on to have one more baby, but I still do mourn for the one who never had the chance to be born. Its never easy. But there is healing. It may take time. And a little part of you will always think and wonder and grieve. But there will be some healing. It just takes time.
I'll never understand the timing or why things like this have to happen.
Never.
But I do know that when they finally do...there's this moment where you're allowed to look around and breathe knowing you made it through and that this phase is over, this awful painful want-to-scream-and-shout-phase is over. All the fighting and pain and suffering is dulled by what is to come, whatever it may be.
xo
Self protection got me through all of my miscarriages. I communicated to people that I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't ashamed - I just do better when people don't extend sympathy or pity. Those things make me cry and I don't like to cry. I do better when I can be angry.
Hugs - hope you are okay.
Honestly, the whole don't tell anyone until after the first trimester business has always kinda baffled me. Why should we hide it, and worse, be alone, at the time when we need our friends and loved ones' support the most? Thank you for sharing. You are NOT alone.
Sad to hear about what happened to you. Sending prayers to heal your heart.
What Carabee said. You need the support of others when awful things happen.
But even if you never want to share it here thats more than okay! In this situation you get to be selfish and just do whats best for you and your family. :)
It gets better though, I promise. Slowly but surely.
I had a strange discussion with my 10 year old on the way home from a craft store this weekend. He just started learning to knit and we were discussing prayer shawls that some ladies from our church make. I told him someone gave me one once and he wanted to know why. It's not that I've intentionally not told him about our miscarriages but he was 3 and 4 and 5 so I didn't tell him at the time. But I'm with you on the whispered voices and locked doors so I told him and answered all of his questions and his response was, "that's so sad." It is sad. My heart hurts for you and the unfairness of it all.
Michelle, you need not be ashamed of anything you've said here. If a potential employer "finds" you here, they will see that you are a hardworking employee that never posted anything inappropriate about your workplace, a loving mother, and an overall talented individual. If they are turned off by your being a somewhat public person, then you didn't want to work there, anyway.
We've had eight miscarriages! Each one at different stages...most were twins that I lost within weeks after each other. It is so hard and changes you forever. Sorry to hear that you have been faced with this loss. Please know that I am here, if you want to talk. I'll be praying for you.
I think that what is most important is to let every person grieve in their own way. If that means that giving that person some space while they work through the fog, as you call it, then so be it. If it means sitting and listening and holding a friend while she cries, then so be it.
I often wonder if the silence regarding miscarriages isn't just a vicious cycle. People don't share their story because others don't know how to react and people don't know how to react because people so infrequently share their stories. I'm sure we've all had our share of insensitive comments (like Firemom shares above) and I know for me, those comments stung terribly and have been part of the reason that I don't share my story.
Hang in there, lady. We are here for you.
The day before you posted about people inadvertently asking asshole questions about having kids/more kids, I had to have a medically-necessary abortion to get the little zygote out of it's unfortunately comfy spot right up next to my ovary. It was a very wanted pregnancy (first one after trying a while) and my husband was pretty devastated by the whole thing. On top of that, husband's (younger) sister was due with her first baby just a few days later, so we fully anticipated vising his family, being throttled with "what's taking you guys so long? why don't you have babies?!" and not knowing that we'd just lost one. Awkward.
We decided that we weren't necessarily going to announce what happened, but we weren't going to make a big secret about it. I didn't lose the pregnancy in a traditional sense, so I'm sure I have some friends that, when they hear about what happened, may turn their backs on me due to their personal beliefs. Their loss. I'm pretty open about the entire thing if I know the company is comfortable with it. It's lead to some very interesting discussions and learning that some of my own friends went through similar things, suffered alone and in silence because they never felt comfortable talking about it and felt overwhelmed when finally able to say something. Don't let it eat you up inside, but don't talk about until you feel you're ready. There's no judging here from your friends.
Hugs ! and don't worry everything will be ok.
Delurking to tell you that I'm just catching up now and, well, dayum. Sending along virtual hugs and lots and lots and a lot more positive karma.
I am sending extra thoughts and prayers out to you today because I know how hard it is. You don't have to share it if you don't want to but also know that you are not alone. Exactly 9 years ago today I had my first of four miscarriages and none of them are easy to handle. I will never forget the feelings and how alone and isolated I felt. There were people who knew but no one would talk to me about it and that caused some issues for awhile. I guess I got more comfortable talking about it over the years. You are an amazing woman!!!
I missed that post originally so just reading about it now. I feel so bad for you. You really have had a crappy couple of months. Nothing more I can say but sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry, mama. *hugs*
Good for you! I don't understand why people are afraid to talk about these subjects. We need each other. Why suffer through it alone. We are here for you when you are ready.
My wife has had one that we know of. She was 6 weeks. We had just told our close friends and family she was pregnant. We just told them the thousands of dollars and weeks of drugs paid off. Until it didn't. We had been undergoing IUI for three cycles. It was my wife's mis-carriage and it changed me. It changed her too. Are we better for the change? It has been almost six months and I don't know.
Michele,
Take your time. Do what you need to do. Self-preservation always comes first. We will be here, ready to listen and read whatever you have to say, when you are ready to say it.
Good luck on the job front. I wish you fruitful searches and a return to normalcy, whatever that might be for you.
Screw good manners.
Obviously, I can't understand what you're going through, but something in this post struck me, when you wrote about not wanting people to see the words and talking about miscarriage in whispers...
Do women feel ashamed... embarrassed, by this? Hurt and upset I understand, but shame? It never crossed my mind that THAT would be the feeling. That makes me sad.
I'm saddened by what you're going through and my heart goes out to you and any woman who has been through this, but shame should never be part of the equation!
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
in trying to comment over here i found your "about me" page. specifically "I use this space to make sure that I don't forget. Anything. It's all about us." if you want to share, let it out. if you don't want to share, don't feel compelled. this is about your grieving, not about what is right for those of us on the other side of a keyboard.
although if you do want to share, we'll be right here with you. loving you.
Self preservation is good. Very good. Thinking of you.
Oh Dear Michelle - I am so sorry to hear this news (I'm always the last one to find anything out). I know these simple words can never ease how you feel right now. Lean on your husband, lean on each other. Time will heal this.